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I just hate what we're all going through. Luckily there's someone in the school system that knows what I went through and cares...my son's bus driver. She knows that I get scared if the bus is even a few minutes late. Can't we all say the same thing? If our children are late, we start thinking CPS kidnapped our children from school! Well when the bus driver knows that she'll be late bringing my son home, she makes sure to notify the transportation department...and they call me to tell me so I won't be worried.

It really is nice and I thank her for her kindness. I thank her for empathizing with me. I have no choice but to send him to school (although I homeschool my daughter) and it's so scary wondering every day if he'll be coming home. Who knows if there will be another accusation, and they just take him from school that time? The worry consumes me and it is so nice that this person cares enough not to leave me hanging...to personally make sure that my fears are calmed, at least for the day.

In the meantime, I'm trying to pick the pieces up but it's so hard. I feel I can no longer go back to the work-chores routine that worked best for us. Now I work on weekends because I'm hypervigilant on weekdays. When I try to go back to working on weekdays, I can't concentrate. Now I just clean instead. Because you have to be a bad mother if you haven't put away your laundry before noon, right? And when I'm done cleaning, I just look around wondering what things they could rip me a new one for that are invisible to most people. They always seem to think of something. It's such a hard kick to the teeth, to have been busy all day and have someone deride you for something that shouldn't even matter, like two pots on the stove.

My daughter is still talking about CPS many times per day. She's scared they'll come back but hopes they won't. She is still begging me to buy a house with a secret room so she'll feel safe from CPS. She says it hurt her that they said bad things about me and yelled at me.

At least my son is fine. I don't think he has any real memory of it because of his disability. For my daughter and I, hopefully peace will come in time. In the meantime, I'm trying to gear up for the lawsuit. I hope my friend was right about the statute of limitations, but I'm not sure. Hopefully it hasn't passed, and that I'll be able to sue and win and therefore get closure and justice.

The fear just never seems to stop. Last night, I had a nightmare about CPS (again). This time I dreamed that the CPS worker came and announced she was removing my children. She couldn't think of a reason why they were actually in danger, but she said she was going to do it regardless. I was terrified. Thank God it was only a dream in my case and I woke up to both of my children still being with me. So many people here have had to go through that pain for real and I'm so sorry for everyone who has lost their children needlessly.

It does get better. I know because I have been there. It does get better as long as you continue to take control of your life and that you continue to have patience.

CPS is something like childbirth. After a while you forget the pain. Maybe that's not good because if you're not vigilant then having them show up again out of the blue sends a new shock to the system.

Have you looked at any books on trauma? I was thinking of trying a trauma workbook... to see if it might help CPS victims overcome some of the residual pains long after their cases are closed.

Sorry, I didn't see the responses.

I've looked up trauma and related issues online. I haven't actually bought any books because money is so tight. I'm blessed to have several friends who are supporting me emotionally during this trying time. My daughter and I also have each other. We talk about what we went through and are sorting through our feelings that way.

A trauma workbook would be a good idea. This seems to happen a lot to families victimized by CPS. It helps just knowing that we're not alone and that there are others going through the same thing, and hearing from others who have dealt with the pain longer.

The biggest trauma to me is never feeling safe. Knowing that it could all happen all over again leaves me feeling so vulnerable.

My son and I spent almost 8 years without each other, and with very little contact thanks to CPS. He's home now, but we're both always on edge. We're in a different county now, all the way across the state, and still every knock on the door has us both getting tense. I don't think that fear will ever go away completely.

I guess I haven't felt safe since I was a little girl in the arms of my parents and my aunts and uncles. I have had many attacks on my family, a disgruntled grandparent who sued for custody of my children, children of an intact marriage, and then CPS. My husband and I won both times but it wasn't easy.

I reckon no one is truly safe, not we adults, anyway.

I struggle every day to "get" safe- to feel secure. Some days it works and other days, I start slipping down BUT-I know this, I have won, I have prevailed and my husband and I have kept our children safe and each day when I slip and fear the worst, I remember that we did prevail and we can do same again should anyone threaten us.

It is a hard road but it can be won.

I'm so afraid that if there's another "report", this time CPS will take my children immediately and ask questions later. I've had several reports called in on me, based on misunderstandings or downright revenge. I don't think I've ever had a substantiated report (if I have, then I was NOT told)...but CPS likes to say "where there's smoke, there's fire". Richard Wexler of NCCPR says that in this instance, that's often NOT true...if only CPS realized this! But anyway, I'm so scared that there will be a next time, and they'll immediately take the children and/or order those services that just get in the way instead of help. I'm so scarred and yet in a way I'm still luckier than many of you here!

I can't do ordinary things without feeling terrified. When CPS came after me last time, I was packing to move and they criticized the "mess". Most reasonable people would have understood. I canceled my move for them since I got so afraid to continue packing. Now, when I do things like clean out the storage, I wonder if they'll come back, "catch" me, and construe what I'm doing as child endangerment somehow. Just about anything parents do nowadays can be called child endangerment.

My kids have been doing fine, although they miss their dad terribly. They are older - 11 & 12 - and I've told them this is temporary. They are amazingly well-adjusted, confident individuals who have been raised in a loving, communicative home. Their fantastic coping skills throughout this ordeal are a testament to the normalcy of their lives. I took my daughter to for her first therapy session/intake and at the end of it, I asked what our schedule would be for future visits. Dr. said that she "is a very well-adjusted little girl and while I understand that you are in a transition period here, I'll leave it up to you to make any future appointments as you see fit." CPS wanted her in 6 months of weekly sessions. Now THAT would be traumatic!!!!

That's something that's lost on them. They don't understand that sometimes, bad situations in families can resolve WITHOUT government involvement. Every family will have crises, but most are able to cope. Sometimes their brand of "help" just makes a stressful situation worse. In my case, I was spared much of the usual BS (I wasn't ordered into any "services") but they still managed to take a family tragedy (I was dealing with a severely sick child) and prolong the duration of the stress.

I had another nightmare last night. I dreamed that I heard back from CPS and that charges of child maltreatment were substantiated. The letter listed ordinary things that ordinary parents could handle as reasons. It was ridiculous enough in a dream. But it's even scarier when I woke up and realized that's what happens to us parents every day. It's not just confined to a dream world.

These people often have a hard time distinguishing between ordinary family life and actual danger. It happens over and over and over. They think that if there is any risk at all, they need to take control. They don't realize that the place of parents is to balance and manage risks and that most adults are capable of that. We CANNOT eliminate all risks from our children's lives, but we can do the best we can in ordinary life situations.

angelheart83 wrote:In the meantime, I'm trying to pick the pieces up but it's so hard. I feel I can no longer go back to the work-chores routine that worked best for us. Now I work on weekends because I'm hypervigilant on weekdays. When I try to go back to working on weekdays, I can't concentrate. Now I just clean instead. Because you have to be a bad mother if you haven't put away your laundry before noon, right? And when I'm done cleaning, I just look around wondering what things they could rip me a new one for that are invisible to most people. They always seem to think of something. It's such a hard kick to the teeth, to have been busy all day and have someone deride you for something that shouldn't even matter, like two pots on the stove.

I pick apart every aspect of our car, house, and general appearance and actions, believing CPS would use it against us. I lose it over a dirty bowl, a stain on the carpet, a tight shirt on our son... or when he skips a meal, or throws a fit in public, or cries at all. I'm glad he was never old enough to be at a point of remembering this, and he's not even old enough to understand what happened if we told him, but I feel like the fear will never leave me. I am with you there.

o_suzanna wrote:

angelheart83 wrote:In the meantime, I'm trying to pick the pieces up but it's so hard. I feel I can no longer go back to the work-chores routine that worked best for us. Now I work on weekends because I'm hypervigilant on weekdays. When I try to go back to working on weekdays, I can't concentrate. Now I just clean instead. Because you have to be a bad mother if you haven't put away your laundry before noon, right? And when I'm done cleaning, I just look around wondering what things they could rip me a new one for that are invisible to most people. They always seem to think of something. It's such a hard kick to the teeth, to have been busy all day and have someone deride you for something that shouldn't even matter, like two pots on the stove.

I pick apart every aspect of our car, house, and general appearance and actions, believing CPS would use it against us. I lose it over a dirty bowl, a stain on the carpet, a tight shirt on our son... or when he skips a meal, or throws a fit in public, or cries at all. I'm glad he was never old enough to be at a point of remembering this, and he's not even old enough to understand what happened if we told him, but I feel like the fear will never leave me. I am with you there.

Oh yeah, this is common for me. Everything comes down to "how this might be misinterpreted". I am hypervigilant about what they wear, how they look, any absences from school. And I go into a full blown panic attack any time I arrive at school and can't find my oldest right away. Nine times out of ten he is in the bathroom or one building over, talking with friends, but I imagine the worst every single time. And then every time I get certified mail, it's another panic attack when I see that pink notice from the post office. It's ridiculous! If I had the money I'd be buying a huge chunk of land, getting a private tutor for the kids, and pretty much "dropping out" of society until they are all over 18.

I've even stayed awake night trying to figure out how to get therapy for our 8 year old without revealing her real name and address, because I am afraid of therapists too! Now I sound like a crazy person.

You don't sound like a crazy person. You sound just like all the rest of us that have been torn apart as a result of the actions of CPS. But I guess CPS has honestly probably MADE us all crazy, and that's something else they should pay for. Not just destroying a family, but destroying the mental state of each affected family member.