My story... Please take the time to read...
Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 5:28 pm
My name is Mary. I'm 23 years old. I gave birth to my oldest son in Winter 2002 at the age of 14 and my youngest son early Spring 2008 at the age of 19. My children are my world even though they are no longer with me. They are always in my heart and on my mind.
This is my story. I'm going to tell the truth. I will not sugar coat anything. I will let you judge whether any of this is right or wrong.
I just need people to hear my story. I want people to know what my children and I went through because of the cruelty of other human beings. I want people to know the damage that “Child Protective Services” did to our family.
I just need a little comfort and support because this pain is overwhelming me.
Everything started in 2007. I was 19 years old and a happily single mom to a smart, wonderful 4 year old. I was on Welfare like most young moms in my situation but my son never went without. I had applied for SSI due to my previous failures at working so my son could have more. I suffered from Bipolar 1 with Depression and Anxieties and was on medication and in therapy for my problems. I never had a problem raising my son, even with these disorders.
I lived with my great uncle who was an elderly man that raised me along with his wife (who passed away in January 2007). After the passing of his wife, my uncle became a hoarder (I guess to fill the hole in his heart from the loss of his parter of 50+ years). Our two bedroom house eventually ended up terribly cluttered in a matter of months and it would upset him if I even tried to throw anything away. Because of this mess, we got roaches. I kept my area as clean as possible and prayed every night for a way out. I prayed for the strength to provide a better life for my son and I.
In late June 2007 I ended up meeting a guy named Chris who promised to make my dreams come true. He told me if I married him and had a child with him he would give me a home, support our family, including my older son and give us the world. I wanted better for my son (his real dad was never in the picture...) and for myself. So like an idiot I believed him. I got pregnant in July. He left me in September. So there I was, alone, with not one, but 2 children to care for. I was more than prepared to be in it alone once again. In December 2007, at 6 months pregnant, I met another guy named Josh. We stayed just friends for about a month because I was pregnant and didn’t think anyone would ever want me again at that point. We talked every day but only saw eachother once at that point. He seemed funny, sweet, caring and compassionate. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I let my feelings grow for him. I started dating him New Years 2008 (like an idiot). I realize now how wrong I was but I was lonely. My own selfishness was proven to be my biggest mistake. My youngest son was born March 10th 2008. I found out when I was still in the hospital that this man I was dating was a severe alcoholic and had been cheating on me the entire time with underage girls. None of which surprised me. We only saw eachother for 2 days every other week. So of course I didn't know the real him. I broke up with him. A week went by an my oldest son asked, “Is Josh coming back?”. I said “No baby, why?” and he said “I don’t like him because he makes you cry.” That brought me to my knees. A month went by and I hadn't spoken to Josh or answered his calls. Then on April 14th, while my youngest son's dad was visiting him, my oldest son was sitting on the bed with me and said "Josh touched my weiner". My jaw dropped, my heart broke. My world felt like it had caved in on me. I looked at Chris with tears in my eyes and I said "Did he just saw what I think he said???" and Chris said yes. So the next day after pre-school I took my son to the police station and filed a report. I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend of Josh and mine's. A woman named Martha, a mother, like myself, someone I thought I could trust. That was another mistake. She ran to Josh and told him what had happened. He called CPS on me making up lies that I was still cutting myself (something I had only done from 11-13 yrs old then from 16-17 yrs old), that I beat my kids in the face with belts, that I starved them, that I never bathed them, etc etc. Just ridiculous lies. Then he told her I was badmouthing her behind her back so she should report me too. And she did. So April 25th 2008, when my youngest son was only a month and 2 weeks old, CPS and the police came to my door. I made the mistake of letting them in because I didn’t know better. The police searched my house because apparently the girl told them I had drugs in my home, that Josh was living with me, that I had strange men over all the time, that I was abusing my eldery uncle (Which caused Adult Protective Services to get involved as well. They spoke to my uncle the next day and the case was dropped). More and more ridiculous lies. Due to the fact that it was SAID that this man was living with me (even without evidence), the fact that my house was terribly cluttered and had roaches and the fact that my son did say he was sexually abused, they took both of my children that night and placed them with a family member. My dad’s brother. My uncle. CPS said they would get a copy the police report I had made 10 days prior to their visit and if my house was clear of clutter and roach free within 2 weeks, they'd return my children. So I made that happen.
My oldest son was so close to my uncle. I liken him to a grandfather who spoiled him rotten. So my uncle left for a few days and let me do what I had to do. 2 weeks comes and goes and nothing. I was giving the family members that had my children all of my food stamps, all of my WIC and all of my SSI check to care for my kids. My ended up dropping my kids off at the CPS office shortly after a month because they couldn't handle it and they did so without telling me. That's where my case got complicated. That's when my children went to foster care and that's when the court got involved. I had went to the office to see my kids the day they were dropped off. My caseworker told me there would be court in the morning but she didn’t know what time or where yet but that she’d let me know. I waited all day and nothing. So at 6:00 the next morning, I go downtown to every family court I can find until I finally got answers. One courthouse affiliated with another courthouse looked it up and showed me where I had to be (across the street). I showed up at 7:45 to the right courtroom (court was at 8:00 am) and there were the caseworkers and the child advocate! They looked at me shocked and asked "How did you find it??”. I said "I have my ways. I thought you were supposed to let me know when and where court was?” The caseworker said, “Oh we just found out”. I walked away seemingly more shocked than they were that they had just straight up LIED to me. They didn't want me to show up because they wanted me to look bad or like I didn't care or something. My kids were in foster care for a few months. I got to see them for two hours every month which felt like hardly anything but I was so glad to see them at all.
My dad’s sister ended up getting in contact with me. She wanted to take my kids and since the foster home wasn’t working out, the judge had my aunt investigated and a home study done, and against CPS and everyone elses wishes, the judge ruled that my aunt take my children. That lasted from mid-summer 2008 to late Spring 2009. My aunt couldn’t handle it either but she bit off more than she could chew. She works full time in the medical business and had 4 daughters of her own. I knew that wouldn’t work for her but I thank her for trying. She was working with a woman who was looking to adopt. So they decided to foster my children. That lasted a week (THOSE people do not deserve to adopt children. Children are not disposable. You can’t just return them if there’s something wrong with them). So back to the system my children went. My children were in 6 different placements in 2 years. Only two of which were family.
During the first 3 months of my case I called the Police Department EVERY SINGLE DAY trying to get answers and find out what they were going to do about this sick pathetic excuse for a human being that hurt my child. I finally found out that the police never opened a case against, nor even investigated, him due to lack of physical evidence and changes in my son’s story, so CPS turned their focus strictly on me. They ended up using "mental illness" against me because I was on medication for depression and anxieties (Medication that I had been on since I was 11 years old). Apparently anyone who's getting help for a mental disorder isn't capable of caring for a child. Also CPS thinks anyone on SSI, unemployment or on Welfare is an unfit parent too.
My uncle passed away in July 2009 at the age of 77 which almost killed me. He suffered from cardio-respiratory arrest in our bathroom. I found him. On top of everything going on with my kids then finding him that way, should have broken me. But I stayed strong. I knew that my kids needed me and I knew that’s what he and my aunt would have wanted. All he wanted was for my kids to be returned to me so we could be a family again. He never missed a visit with my children either. He was like a father to me, a grandfather to them. In his will he left his house, his property, all of his vehicles and money to me. I ended up hiring an attorney with the help of my best friend’s mom. My attorney helped me get my children back in November 2009. CPS was against it but the judge ruled in my favor. I was so relieved. I thought it was finally over. They extended my case for 6 more months. All I had was 6 more months to deal with them.
My boys were so happy to be home with me even though my youngest son and I never had a chance to bond. We finally had a chance to get to know eachother. I kept my house clean, my kids were fed and always clean, they were always all smiles except my oldest son would wake up screaming in the middle of the night saying "DON'T TAKE ME, DON'T TAKE ME, I WANT MY MOM". That tore me apart. He also started acting out and throwing fits and tantrums which is something he had never done before. But I stood by him and I supported him and I never once lost my temper with him. Those long nights holding him, comforting him, while he was crying out of fear, losing sleep worrying about him, it all seemed so worth it because I had them back. I thought I had won the fight. It was all so bittersweet. I hated seeing my son in pain. But at that point I had only myself to blame. My children and I all went to family therapy. I scheduled the appointments before my new caseworker even had a chance to come up with a case plan. My oldest son and myself each did individual therapy and family therapy was about all of us bonding Everything was going great. But then it all started to fall apart again after 3 short months. My oldest son's teacher in school didn't like him or me for some reason. She kept calling CPS on me (she knew the background). One time was for a bruise on a 7 year old BOY'S knee. One time was because he needed a haircut. Another time was because he had dirt in his nails after recess (Seriously?). All of those things were investigated by a local CPS worker and dismissed. Even that caseworker said the teacher was an idiot. The last time my son had a bruise on his arm the size of the tip of one’s pinky finger. The teacher said my son said my brother beat him. The investigative worker went to his school, took pictures and talked to him then came by the house to talk to me and my son after school. My son told her twice that him and my brother were wrestling, play fighting, like little boys do, but that he doesn’t know how he got the bruise. The worker said it’s no big deal and she closed the case. But then MY caseworker, the advocates and everyone all heard about it and there they were again. Accusing me of letting my brother beat my son. The last mistake I made, which I beat myself up every day for is that I didn't have my drivers license. One day it was raining and my mom couldn't pick up my son from school so I had to do it. When we got home, child advocates were here. That was it. 2 weeks later, the day after my youngest son’s 2nd birthday, my caseworker came and picked up my kids actually badmouthing me to my face. Calling me an unfit mother, telling me I’m a horrible excuse for a parent, etc etc. My youngest son was home with me. He didn’t know what was going on, probably because my poor baby was so used to it. My oldest son was at school and the thought of the pain he went through tears a hole through my heart every day.
My mom FINALLY let me use her car to get my license, after all this happened. She didn’t think it was a big deal. I didn’t think it was either. I didn’t drive on a regular basis because I had a fear of driving. And I mean having no drivers license is illegal BUT it does not make you a bad driver nor is it considered endangering a child. If they took away every person’s child who was driving without a license, a majority of my city would have no children.
May 22nd 2010 - The trial:
I found out before the trial began that my youngest son’s father signed over his rights.
So there I was. I had no one on my side. I was in this alone except for my family and friends on the sidelines. All my life I had always had my great aunt and my great uncle guiding me. I had never been completely on my own before and I was terrified.
During the course of my case, I did EVERYTHING CPS wanted me to do.
I jumped through hoop after hoop and it was never good enough for them.
They set certain goals, I’d reach these goals, they’d set more. It was neverending.
I never missed a single visit with my kids except the appointments my retarded caseworkers messed up by “forgetting” to pick up my kids.
I kept my house neat and clean and I passed every home study.
I went to TWO parenting classes.
The first one was something I did myself. The second, they ordered.
I got a job even though I suffer from panic attacks.
I supported my children financially even when they weren’t with me.
I did the drug tests they requested and passed every single one (though drugs were never a factor in my case).
I went to every class, group, meeting and therapy session they ever ordered.
I started seeing the psychiatrists and the therapists CPS wanted me to see, instead of my own whom I had for years, just so they could moniter my medications and my progress.
I hired an attorney.
I got my GED.
I got my drivers license.
Among many other things I can’t even think of right now (2 years is a lot to go through). All of these things were brought up to the judge by my attorney proven by paperwork (I had proof of everything so they couldn’t say I didn’t do this or didn’t do that).
The judge, the ad-litem, the CPS attorney, the child advocates, the caseworkers, all had it out for me from the beginning even though they KNEW how badly I was trying. They ALWAYS had termination and adoption as their main goal. They never even gave me a fighting chance. I was new to everything and they knew I was learning but none of that mattered to them. These people didn't care about the wellbeing of my children. All they cared about was WINNING. I had the investigative worker on the stand on my behalf, who defended me. I had my brother defending himself and me (They weren’t even concerned about the bruise on my son’s arm at that point, the other side wanted dirt on me from my brother) and then finally they requested me on the stand, on the stand, defending myself as a woman and a mother to them. The ad-litem ended up reading me a report of what my son said Josh did to him. I broke down. I was crying and having a panic attack because at that point in time no one had told me what exactly had happened to my son and I didn’t want to ask him myself and put him through remembering that horrible experience. The trial literally pushed me over the edge of pain and suffering. When people sit there and point the finger in your face and accuse you of things you’ve never done and you try and try to defend yourself but no one will listen, it makes you feel less and less human. When the child advocate was on the stand she said I called her and told her to take my kids because I didn't want them anymore. I NEVER called her and I would have NEVER said any such thing. She also said the scars on my arms seem to have multiplied. These scars are years old for one and these people saw me damn near every week for 2 years so they would know if I were cutting myself or anything of the sort. They just came up with lie after lie after lie and it was exhausting because in their eyes I was guilty and it was their word over mine and the judge had to decide who to believe.
In the end, after everything I did, all the time that I fought, everything I had proven, the judge terminated my rights. Mainly because of two main factors. The fact that my youngest son’s father relinquished his rights and I would be a completely single mother with no financial support from the fathers and the fact that I went against her orders by driving ONCE without a license. I am now no longer allowed any contact with my children until they reach the age of 18.
As I stood up from the table, tears pouring from my eyes, my legs wobbling beneath me, I looked around the courtroom. I looked at my attorney who shrugged his shoulders and said “I’m sorry Mary, we tried.” I looked at the judge as she walked away, doing the same thing she does every day. Allowing families to be torn apart. I looked at the ad-litem, the CPS attorney, the child advocates and the caseworkers. They were smiling and laughing and high-fiving at what they had just done. As I was walking to meet my family outside the courtroom, I heard the ad-litem say to someone else “J***** is a sweet kid, his foster mom already filed the papers to adopt him, but J**, he’s going to end up in a group home til he’s 18 because he’s just too messed up.”. I wanted to beat her senseless. I wanted to tear her head off for saying that about my son. It’s THEIR fault he was like that.
I walked to my family who walked me out. I don’t remember much after that. I don’t remember the trip downstairs or to the car or the ride home. I just remember for days after wondering why me? Why my kids? I didn’t find out til it was too late that within 30 days I could have filed an appeal. It seemed my attorney didn’t try very hard or that he gave up and it seemed like he just didn’t care. He got his money. But that’s just how the world works I guess.
It's been over a year since I've seen or talked to my children. In fact, it’s been 1 year, 5 months and 6 days since I’ve seen them. I just want to know that they're okay. I need to know if they're safe and happy wherever they are. I want to know if they seperated them or if they’re still together. Those whole 2 years, all my little boys ever had was eachother. The thought of them suffering kills me inside. I cry every day for them. And now to make things even harder for me, I'm pregnant again by my fiance. He was my best friend for 8 years and we've been together officially for 3 years. He's been more than supportive of everything I've gone through. He loved my children like his own and he was there for me through it all when I had no one else. But due to everything I’ve gone through, we didn’t want children of our own yet. We wanted to wait. I’m now I'm 18 weeks pregnant and I'm completely terrified. Since my rights were terminated, what will happen with this baby? There's no reason for CPS to get involved again but I'm terrified nonetheless. I’m scared and I don't know what to do anymore. Now reading this over, I feel so guilty. I know I made so many mistakes and I tried to right my wrongs but I feel like a failure. I was supposed to protect my kids and I couldn't so I let them down in the worst way possible. I know I will suffer every single day for the rest of my life because of this. No amount of therapy or medication will ever make this pain go away. The guilt is overwhelming.
Also I had a dream recently about coming across my oldest son in a grocery store where he was with his new "family". I waited until they had their backs turned and I grabbed him and ran. We went on the run but none of that mattered to either of us because we were together again. We ended up in a hotel where I held him as we fell asleep. I held him just as I always had. I could FEEL him in my arms and I could even smell his hair. The next morning I woke up without him in my arms and I cried for the next 3 days. I couldn't get it out of my head.
This is my story. I'm going to tell the truth. I will not sugar coat anything. I will let you judge whether any of this is right or wrong.
I just need people to hear my story. I want people to know what my children and I went through because of the cruelty of other human beings. I want people to know the damage that “Child Protective Services” did to our family.
I just need a little comfort and support because this pain is overwhelming me.
Everything started in 2007. I was 19 years old and a happily single mom to a smart, wonderful 4 year old. I was on Welfare like most young moms in my situation but my son never went without. I had applied for SSI due to my previous failures at working so my son could have more. I suffered from Bipolar 1 with Depression and Anxieties and was on medication and in therapy for my problems. I never had a problem raising my son, even with these disorders.
I lived with my great uncle who was an elderly man that raised me along with his wife (who passed away in January 2007). After the passing of his wife, my uncle became a hoarder (I guess to fill the hole in his heart from the loss of his parter of 50+ years). Our two bedroom house eventually ended up terribly cluttered in a matter of months and it would upset him if I even tried to throw anything away. Because of this mess, we got roaches. I kept my area as clean as possible and prayed every night for a way out. I prayed for the strength to provide a better life for my son and I.
In late June 2007 I ended up meeting a guy named Chris who promised to make my dreams come true. He told me if I married him and had a child with him he would give me a home, support our family, including my older son and give us the world. I wanted better for my son (his real dad was never in the picture...) and for myself. So like an idiot I believed him. I got pregnant in July. He left me in September. So there I was, alone, with not one, but 2 children to care for. I was more than prepared to be in it alone once again. In December 2007, at 6 months pregnant, I met another guy named Josh. We stayed just friends for about a month because I was pregnant and didn’t think anyone would ever want me again at that point. We talked every day but only saw eachother once at that point. He seemed funny, sweet, caring and compassionate. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I let my feelings grow for him. I started dating him New Years 2008 (like an idiot). I realize now how wrong I was but I was lonely. My own selfishness was proven to be my biggest mistake. My youngest son was born March 10th 2008. I found out when I was still in the hospital that this man I was dating was a severe alcoholic and had been cheating on me the entire time with underage girls. None of which surprised me. We only saw eachother for 2 days every other week. So of course I didn't know the real him. I broke up with him. A week went by an my oldest son asked, “Is Josh coming back?”. I said “No baby, why?” and he said “I don’t like him because he makes you cry.” That brought me to my knees. A month went by and I hadn't spoken to Josh or answered his calls. Then on April 14th, while my youngest son's dad was visiting him, my oldest son was sitting on the bed with me and said "Josh touched my weiner". My jaw dropped, my heart broke. My world felt like it had caved in on me. I looked at Chris with tears in my eyes and I said "Did he just saw what I think he said???" and Chris said yes. So the next day after pre-school I took my son to the police station and filed a report. I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend of Josh and mine's. A woman named Martha, a mother, like myself, someone I thought I could trust. That was another mistake. She ran to Josh and told him what had happened. He called CPS on me making up lies that I was still cutting myself (something I had only done from 11-13 yrs old then from 16-17 yrs old), that I beat my kids in the face with belts, that I starved them, that I never bathed them, etc etc. Just ridiculous lies. Then he told her I was badmouthing her behind her back so she should report me too. And she did. So April 25th 2008, when my youngest son was only a month and 2 weeks old, CPS and the police came to my door. I made the mistake of letting them in because I didn’t know better. The police searched my house because apparently the girl told them I had drugs in my home, that Josh was living with me, that I had strange men over all the time, that I was abusing my eldery uncle (Which caused Adult Protective Services to get involved as well. They spoke to my uncle the next day and the case was dropped). More and more ridiculous lies. Due to the fact that it was SAID that this man was living with me (even without evidence), the fact that my house was terribly cluttered and had roaches and the fact that my son did say he was sexually abused, they took both of my children that night and placed them with a family member. My dad’s brother. My uncle. CPS said they would get a copy the police report I had made 10 days prior to their visit and if my house was clear of clutter and roach free within 2 weeks, they'd return my children. So I made that happen.
My oldest son was so close to my uncle. I liken him to a grandfather who spoiled him rotten. So my uncle left for a few days and let me do what I had to do. 2 weeks comes and goes and nothing. I was giving the family members that had my children all of my food stamps, all of my WIC and all of my SSI check to care for my kids. My ended up dropping my kids off at the CPS office shortly after a month because they couldn't handle it and they did so without telling me. That's where my case got complicated. That's when my children went to foster care and that's when the court got involved. I had went to the office to see my kids the day they were dropped off. My caseworker told me there would be court in the morning but she didn’t know what time or where yet but that she’d let me know. I waited all day and nothing. So at 6:00 the next morning, I go downtown to every family court I can find until I finally got answers. One courthouse affiliated with another courthouse looked it up and showed me where I had to be (across the street). I showed up at 7:45 to the right courtroom (court was at 8:00 am) and there were the caseworkers and the child advocate! They looked at me shocked and asked "How did you find it??”. I said "I have my ways. I thought you were supposed to let me know when and where court was?” The caseworker said, “Oh we just found out”. I walked away seemingly more shocked than they were that they had just straight up LIED to me. They didn't want me to show up because they wanted me to look bad or like I didn't care or something. My kids were in foster care for a few months. I got to see them for two hours every month which felt like hardly anything but I was so glad to see them at all.
My dad’s sister ended up getting in contact with me. She wanted to take my kids and since the foster home wasn’t working out, the judge had my aunt investigated and a home study done, and against CPS and everyone elses wishes, the judge ruled that my aunt take my children. That lasted from mid-summer 2008 to late Spring 2009. My aunt couldn’t handle it either but she bit off more than she could chew. She works full time in the medical business and had 4 daughters of her own. I knew that wouldn’t work for her but I thank her for trying. She was working with a woman who was looking to adopt. So they decided to foster my children. That lasted a week (THOSE people do not deserve to adopt children. Children are not disposable. You can’t just return them if there’s something wrong with them). So back to the system my children went. My children were in 6 different placements in 2 years. Only two of which were family.
During the first 3 months of my case I called the Police Department EVERY SINGLE DAY trying to get answers and find out what they were going to do about this sick pathetic excuse for a human being that hurt my child. I finally found out that the police never opened a case against, nor even investigated, him due to lack of physical evidence and changes in my son’s story, so CPS turned their focus strictly on me. They ended up using "mental illness" against me because I was on medication for depression and anxieties (Medication that I had been on since I was 11 years old). Apparently anyone who's getting help for a mental disorder isn't capable of caring for a child. Also CPS thinks anyone on SSI, unemployment or on Welfare is an unfit parent too.
My uncle passed away in July 2009 at the age of 77 which almost killed me. He suffered from cardio-respiratory arrest in our bathroom. I found him. On top of everything going on with my kids then finding him that way, should have broken me. But I stayed strong. I knew that my kids needed me and I knew that’s what he and my aunt would have wanted. All he wanted was for my kids to be returned to me so we could be a family again. He never missed a visit with my children either. He was like a father to me, a grandfather to them. In his will he left his house, his property, all of his vehicles and money to me. I ended up hiring an attorney with the help of my best friend’s mom. My attorney helped me get my children back in November 2009. CPS was against it but the judge ruled in my favor. I was so relieved. I thought it was finally over. They extended my case for 6 more months. All I had was 6 more months to deal with them.
My boys were so happy to be home with me even though my youngest son and I never had a chance to bond. We finally had a chance to get to know eachother. I kept my house clean, my kids were fed and always clean, they were always all smiles except my oldest son would wake up screaming in the middle of the night saying "DON'T TAKE ME, DON'T TAKE ME, I WANT MY MOM". That tore me apart. He also started acting out and throwing fits and tantrums which is something he had never done before. But I stood by him and I supported him and I never once lost my temper with him. Those long nights holding him, comforting him, while he was crying out of fear, losing sleep worrying about him, it all seemed so worth it because I had them back. I thought I had won the fight. It was all so bittersweet. I hated seeing my son in pain. But at that point I had only myself to blame. My children and I all went to family therapy. I scheduled the appointments before my new caseworker even had a chance to come up with a case plan. My oldest son and myself each did individual therapy and family therapy was about all of us bonding Everything was going great. But then it all started to fall apart again after 3 short months. My oldest son's teacher in school didn't like him or me for some reason. She kept calling CPS on me (she knew the background). One time was for a bruise on a 7 year old BOY'S knee. One time was because he needed a haircut. Another time was because he had dirt in his nails after recess (Seriously?). All of those things were investigated by a local CPS worker and dismissed. Even that caseworker said the teacher was an idiot. The last time my son had a bruise on his arm the size of the tip of one’s pinky finger. The teacher said my son said my brother beat him. The investigative worker went to his school, took pictures and talked to him then came by the house to talk to me and my son after school. My son told her twice that him and my brother were wrestling, play fighting, like little boys do, but that he doesn’t know how he got the bruise. The worker said it’s no big deal and she closed the case. But then MY caseworker, the advocates and everyone all heard about it and there they were again. Accusing me of letting my brother beat my son. The last mistake I made, which I beat myself up every day for is that I didn't have my drivers license. One day it was raining and my mom couldn't pick up my son from school so I had to do it. When we got home, child advocates were here. That was it. 2 weeks later, the day after my youngest son’s 2nd birthday, my caseworker came and picked up my kids actually badmouthing me to my face. Calling me an unfit mother, telling me I’m a horrible excuse for a parent, etc etc. My youngest son was home with me. He didn’t know what was going on, probably because my poor baby was so used to it. My oldest son was at school and the thought of the pain he went through tears a hole through my heart every day.
My mom FINALLY let me use her car to get my license, after all this happened. She didn’t think it was a big deal. I didn’t think it was either. I didn’t drive on a regular basis because I had a fear of driving. And I mean having no drivers license is illegal BUT it does not make you a bad driver nor is it considered endangering a child. If they took away every person’s child who was driving without a license, a majority of my city would have no children.
May 22nd 2010 - The trial:
I found out before the trial began that my youngest son’s father signed over his rights.
So there I was. I had no one on my side. I was in this alone except for my family and friends on the sidelines. All my life I had always had my great aunt and my great uncle guiding me. I had never been completely on my own before and I was terrified.
During the course of my case, I did EVERYTHING CPS wanted me to do.
I jumped through hoop after hoop and it was never good enough for them.
They set certain goals, I’d reach these goals, they’d set more. It was neverending.
I never missed a single visit with my kids except the appointments my retarded caseworkers messed up by “forgetting” to pick up my kids.
I kept my house neat and clean and I passed every home study.
I went to TWO parenting classes.
The first one was something I did myself. The second, they ordered.
I got a job even though I suffer from panic attacks.
I supported my children financially even when they weren’t with me.
I did the drug tests they requested and passed every single one (though drugs were never a factor in my case).
I went to every class, group, meeting and therapy session they ever ordered.
I started seeing the psychiatrists and the therapists CPS wanted me to see, instead of my own whom I had for years, just so they could moniter my medications and my progress.
I hired an attorney.
I got my GED.
I got my drivers license.
Among many other things I can’t even think of right now (2 years is a lot to go through). All of these things were brought up to the judge by my attorney proven by paperwork (I had proof of everything so they couldn’t say I didn’t do this or didn’t do that).
The judge, the ad-litem, the CPS attorney, the child advocates, the caseworkers, all had it out for me from the beginning even though they KNEW how badly I was trying. They ALWAYS had termination and adoption as their main goal. They never even gave me a fighting chance. I was new to everything and they knew I was learning but none of that mattered to them. These people didn't care about the wellbeing of my children. All they cared about was WINNING. I had the investigative worker on the stand on my behalf, who defended me. I had my brother defending himself and me (They weren’t even concerned about the bruise on my son’s arm at that point, the other side wanted dirt on me from my brother) and then finally they requested me on the stand, on the stand, defending myself as a woman and a mother to them. The ad-litem ended up reading me a report of what my son said Josh did to him. I broke down. I was crying and having a panic attack because at that point in time no one had told me what exactly had happened to my son and I didn’t want to ask him myself and put him through remembering that horrible experience. The trial literally pushed me over the edge of pain and suffering. When people sit there and point the finger in your face and accuse you of things you’ve never done and you try and try to defend yourself but no one will listen, it makes you feel less and less human. When the child advocate was on the stand she said I called her and told her to take my kids because I didn't want them anymore. I NEVER called her and I would have NEVER said any such thing. She also said the scars on my arms seem to have multiplied. These scars are years old for one and these people saw me damn near every week for 2 years so they would know if I were cutting myself or anything of the sort. They just came up with lie after lie after lie and it was exhausting because in their eyes I was guilty and it was their word over mine and the judge had to decide who to believe.
In the end, after everything I did, all the time that I fought, everything I had proven, the judge terminated my rights. Mainly because of two main factors. The fact that my youngest son’s father relinquished his rights and I would be a completely single mother with no financial support from the fathers and the fact that I went against her orders by driving ONCE without a license. I am now no longer allowed any contact with my children until they reach the age of 18.
As I stood up from the table, tears pouring from my eyes, my legs wobbling beneath me, I looked around the courtroom. I looked at my attorney who shrugged his shoulders and said “I’m sorry Mary, we tried.” I looked at the judge as she walked away, doing the same thing she does every day. Allowing families to be torn apart. I looked at the ad-litem, the CPS attorney, the child advocates and the caseworkers. They were smiling and laughing and high-fiving at what they had just done. As I was walking to meet my family outside the courtroom, I heard the ad-litem say to someone else “J***** is a sweet kid, his foster mom already filed the papers to adopt him, but J**, he’s going to end up in a group home til he’s 18 because he’s just too messed up.”. I wanted to beat her senseless. I wanted to tear her head off for saying that about my son. It’s THEIR fault he was like that.
I walked to my family who walked me out. I don’t remember much after that. I don’t remember the trip downstairs or to the car or the ride home. I just remember for days after wondering why me? Why my kids? I didn’t find out til it was too late that within 30 days I could have filed an appeal. It seemed my attorney didn’t try very hard or that he gave up and it seemed like he just didn’t care. He got his money. But that’s just how the world works I guess.
It's been over a year since I've seen or talked to my children. In fact, it’s been 1 year, 5 months and 6 days since I’ve seen them. I just want to know that they're okay. I need to know if they're safe and happy wherever they are. I want to know if they seperated them or if they’re still together. Those whole 2 years, all my little boys ever had was eachother. The thought of them suffering kills me inside. I cry every day for them. And now to make things even harder for me, I'm pregnant again by my fiance. He was my best friend for 8 years and we've been together officially for 3 years. He's been more than supportive of everything I've gone through. He loved my children like his own and he was there for me through it all when I had no one else. But due to everything I’ve gone through, we didn’t want children of our own yet. We wanted to wait. I’m now I'm 18 weeks pregnant and I'm completely terrified. Since my rights were terminated, what will happen with this baby? There's no reason for CPS to get involved again but I'm terrified nonetheless. I’m scared and I don't know what to do anymore. Now reading this over, I feel so guilty. I know I made so many mistakes and I tried to right my wrongs but I feel like a failure. I was supposed to protect my kids and I couldn't so I let them down in the worst way possible. I know I will suffer every single day for the rest of my life because of this. No amount of therapy or medication will ever make this pain go away. The guilt is overwhelming.
Also I had a dream recently about coming across my oldest son in a grocery store where he was with his new "family". I waited until they had their backs turned and I grabbed him and ran. We went on the run but none of that mattered to either of us because we were together again. We ended up in a hotel where I held him as we fell asleep. I held him just as I always had. I could FEEL him in my arms and I could even smell his hair. The next morning I woke up without him in my arms and I cried for the next 3 days. I couldn't get it out of my head.