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Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 2:41 pm
I wanted to emphasize for those who are dealing with CPS or have recently just lost their children the heartache never goes away but with each passing day it gets a little easier. Especially since each day is another day closer to seeing them again. I had to make sure I said that before I went into what I am going through in hopes that I can (if nothing more) express my feelings because outsiders do not understand. So my boys were adopted in 2005. My rights were terminated in 2004. My girls rights were terminated in 2007 and adopted by step mothers. That has given me a plus in that I will always know where to search for them in that sense. My boys I suffer greatly from because where I know I may never have contact with my girls again there is the reassurance that they are with people I know and I can find them later on in life. I went through this hell for 2 1/2 years until I finally lost. Not one effort I put into it was beneficial in the end aside from the information to provide to my kids later on down the road to show them I never stopped trying. On the other hand the nightmare is still fresh in my mind. Each day I am fearful that someone will retaliate and decide that they want to make a call. I try to keep my distance from people and because of that have alienated myself from many. Is this normal? I am sure it is not but it is the easiest way for me to cope with it. Then I tell a few what happened but nothing can ever prepare them for what I tell them and many stop talking to me. I even have family that stopped talking to me for quite some time as I believe they really thought I was guilty of these things that I was accused of. When does the anxiety go away? I am always looking behind my back and taking more precautions then necessary when choosing friends. What I mean by this is that I may talk to them over the phone but I am really reluctant to allow them into my home or to even hang out with them. Is this something that people who have been through what I have go through? I am also reluctant to consult with a therapist as I am afraid that would turn on me as well. Do I have a thing to hide? No I have nothing to hide but you know how things are twisted and turned and I am always afraid of this. Outside of that I have made a change for myself where I graduate with a Bachelor of Science in less than a week and head off to graduate school. I want to make sure that I am one of those few who assist those who have been through similar situations in hopes that they can benefit from discussing things with a therapist or someone similar.
Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:35 am
I give a lot of advice. A few hours ago I looked at a recent posting with no responses but I just couldn't do it anymore today. I am so glad you posted this. It explains how I feel almost 100%. I can't sleep tonight, too much anger and my head won't stop reliving ALL of the events of the last 2 years. I thought this was gone and had been feeling ok for a few weeks, my days and night are a bit off as I seem to doze off anywhere from 4-7am and get up between 10 n 12, so for me that's normal. I just hate that when I want to go to sleep, I can't, at least tonight.
I didn't expect the heartache to go away, it's like there's something in my chest attached by a string that's getting pulled when I think of my children. I've been wanting to come and say something for days in this forum because I actually think I might be broken. I can't get anything personal I want to do done, I focus on these boards, I should be working on my case and when I did a few months ago, I get a bit insane like I am tonight, or should I say morning. I don't know what this is, maybe it's trauma, it feels like I'm in psychological hell sometimes.
I understand your feelings of wanting to be alone. I feel the same way and for almost the same reasons you do. I was once very active in both my work, a leader in the field and other personal help groups I used to identify with...I haven't talked to anyone in months. I don't like or want to see anyone either. I am living in a warehouse in Sun Valley, California, far from anyone residential that can speak my language. My only friend is the local bum at Jack in the box, not kidding...I've had these support friends slip out the back door on me as well and even had one figuratively stab me in the back for her own egocentric needs. I used to be invited to many places, socially, had many friends on fb, over the last two years I've deleted most friends except two, even deleted my profile and started again, then made a different profile when I thought my children might be affected by some of the crap that comes out of my mouth. Have a new profile just for them.
You are really something. I'm glad I came here and saw your post. I don't feel alone and empty at this moment. I know somewhere you are out there. I like what you're doing, I want to do the same with the rest of my life but can't seem to get out of the depression completely. I took Cymbalta for a while and it really started working, it worked so well that I didn't realize it was the drug making me feel better, so I stopped and within a few weeks, back to depression, so I decided I want to recover naturally without it and I think ONLY because the court case is resolving, that my children will not be permanently denied...two in legal guardianship, one escapee from the system and the other pretty much promised not to be adopted.. that I am coming out of it slightly overall.
I want to move on with my life like you, be productive and help us get our children back...but doing so is a psychological conundrum for me because by moving on, maybe it means I have let my children go and everything in my heart and soul says not to ever let them go. It's like a well of tears, never going to use that up with this always on my heart.
I live in fear, I still live in fear even though there is not too much to fear for me, as I know where my children are and have good access to at least three of them. The fourth is the one that needs me and a one hour visit at jack in the box doesn't do much for the bonding experience. I think of him often because he cannot talk, he is special needs and they have treated him the most horribly because of this and the fact that he is 9 and we cannot communicate/heal/accept and go through this together like my other children, 10, 12 n 13. I have worked very hard this last two years with my other children, instilling only one thing above all, that I love them, that this is a horrible tragedy that will be over one day and that I love them in all ways. My children and I are bonded, no worrying there and my children (the three older ones) like me, are very intelligent and really do understand what cps has done. They were witnesses to our lives back then and know the government is wrong. I have told my children they have done this to us for over 100 years now, sending my mother, her father to indian boarding schools all in the name of best interests. I have a deep problem with the us government and feel like scalping heads.
I think when we as human beings get hurt so badly that yes, being alone and wanting to be alone is normal. Thank-you for the posting, must of been a reason I got back up and turned the computer on...
Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:56 am
Monkette your posting moves me to tears! I can relate in so many ways. I keep waiting for the grief, tears, anger(@ myself), etc... to lessen, become somewhat bearable, etc... Our one year date was last week. It just so happened that was the day I had an appt at the clinic re: my meds., overall situation, the depression. Not even a minute in the room w/ Nurse P. and once again, here come the tears. Although, the meds are helping somewhat, many days I just want to crawl into a hole. I don't like taking paxil however, it is helping me a little at this moment. I know things had to change direction. 1/11 until 11/11 I existed in such a black hole. It's still hard but, at least I no longer cry all day, every day. And most days I manage to shower and dress. It's the little things. I pray that all our hearts will heal one day and that reunions are in all our futures! Just curious, I seem to remember from another conversation that you're Native American? If so, was having your case transferred to tribes jurisdiction ever an option? I only ask because, B. Mom never revealed name of Ahmi's B. Dad. We (hus and I) always thought she looked N. A. While we were in the midst of our home study, during a regular visit with the Atty's investigator, she(inv.) brought up the subject. We were told in fact that 2 or 3 tribes had looked into a possible connection. However, no connections were found. That's when I learned under CA law, any Native American children are turned over to the tribes. Even at 18 months(Ahmi at the time), with no established relationships, their still taken because the tribes believe it's in the best interest of the child. That's when we dropped the matter. We planned to look further once she was safe and a little bit older. I wanted her to know as much of her story and genealogy as was possible. I just didn't want strangers to knock one day, bringing trauma into our lives(ironic ain't it). Many thanks for all the support and encouragement you've given me. When I think about last fall, I'm surprised at times that I'm still here. This site helped a lot. I only wish I'd read deeper when I first found it and I was in the midst of my nightmare. It wasn't until Sumner and all was done that I realized the importance of the info found here. I will keep you in my prayers. I'm sending a HUGE cyber hug to you. Take care of yourself.
Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2012 2:13 pm
Yep, Lynn, some days are better than others...ily and thanks and take care.
Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2012 3:31 pm
I think the reality of it is that you cannot continue to go through life with the thought that you did not do enough. Since I have lost my kids I sure have my up days and then I have my down days. Most down days tend to be close to holidays, close to their birthdays, and close to other things like when I got married and now graduating. Just being able to be with them. My son graduates and I am hoping if nothing else to be able to see the broadcast on the television. I have a couple of years to find out if they broadcast it so if nothing else I can see my son graduate from high school. Not one day goes by that I do not think of them but I have had to make a life outside of the lies and terror I live from that hell. On the other side I too am fearful for everything. I used to be less worried about my kids getting dirty or getting hurt. Now I am constantly watching my back. In no way should I have to go through that. I have stopped meeting new people and being friends with new people because I feel that I cannot live a lie and tell no one about my other kids, but then you tell people and they automatically begin to judge you. I am 10 years later after it started and 8 years since it has ended. Where I miss them greatly the first couple of years is hard but it is like any other thing in life. Eventually the days go by quickly and you think less about it. Does that make me love my kids less? I would think not. I am just trying to accept (trying being the keyword) them being gone and what means I can take to get them back. I am so outraged even now and I want so badly to take things to a court and sue them but with the way they play dirty I am unwilling to find just what can or will happen. I know the stuff they did to me up until things stopped or got less extreme.
The saddest part of all this is I am constantly looking behind my back. Yes I got married and yes we are talking tons of years later. I have a new life and new kids and I am receiving no state help. Even when I thought we were able to benefit from it I refused to accept it because of what happened to me. My husband understood but there are many out there who did not and trying to explain to someone what you have gone through and the lack of trust you have for others especially agencies is a bit hard. Another thing is I became less trusting of people and I really am in need of working on that. Even people who are close to me because I have been stabbed in the back so many times from people who are close to me. I think I am suffering from PTSD and I know if I go to a counselor yet again I become terrified to do so. I have kept good tabs on my kids over the years so that is a plus but the time where they turn 18 is not yet here. I want you to know that there are many of us that are and have gone through this horrible tragedy. In the long run the only thing that can be done is that we be optimistic about the future and hold onto each other for support. I know I come here to talk before I disclose my information to others because trust has definitely become a factor.
Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:40 am
Hi, My husband and i feel your pain we raised our grandaughter for most of her life, she was taking from us on false alligation that have never been proven , because we are her grandparents and we did everthing right we are fighting the system today , we got a lawyer that totlyal screwed us out of alot of money never returning phone calls and pretty much telling us this and that would happen but never followed thru , we are now trying to get another attorney because the alligation were never proven because they never happened and the parents would do this to us ( my daughter) who is a drug addict tell lies to protect herself and has 6 kids and has lost 3 of them to the fathers who have never contributed to theses kids in anyway, and also been drug addicts and domestic abusers, everynight for the past 10 mths my husband go thru hell wondering why we have taking out of thses kids lifes, it has been so hard for us no sleep somenights and wondering why in the past when this has happened the kids were able to be with us, but yet cps can't find the documantation it has been lost some where imagine that , we have been set up with visits by the judge and cps has not followed thru my husband hasn't seen his grandkids for 10 mths except one visit about 4 weeks ago that was very uncomfoprtable because the foster parents were there and you could tell our oldest grandaughter couldn't be herself she has alot of behavioral problems which we had her in counseling for 15 mths and they have totally cut out that counselor, we are very loving grand parents to all our grandchildern and have been treated like trash it hurts everyday and have pretty much cut ourselfs off from the world from depresstion but we will not give up they might be getting away with this right know but i know that god willing we will be heard and justice will previle , i'm so sorry for your lost i feel your pain and will pray for you to have some kinda peace! god only give us what we can handle and i have to tell myself every morning i must go on for my grandkids and never give up, being accused of things that aren;t true is a sick way of cps justifying where mess ups and there are proabably alot of people going threw the same if we all speak up and tell the truth maybe only then our kids will be saved from there abuse and thats what they do , the system is so currupt and everyone needs to speak out and maybe someday it will change because i wouldn't wish this on anyone ! it so painful to be falsely accused when in your heart you did everything right, they took her from us after they had to cps workers come to our home ok us and then get this they had us take her back to her mothers where they had an opened case of abuse on the other children and domestic viol, go figure makes no sense but the father that never had anything to do with daughter wanted her there and not with us , and he has been denied twice by the icpc for placement because of postive for drugs, the judge told us he would reconsider us if father was denined again but the attorney we have has not retured our calls to get it back in court , so now we are seeing another today, my story is so much more longer then anyone has time to read this is just a little of what we are going threw. hoping for the best and praying for all other who are going through this. try not to give the more people we have fighting them the better ! someday someone will change this i hope! las vegas , nv. Tina 3-27-12
Posted: Sun May 06, 2012 9:49 pm
Before I dealt with cps I went through alot of abuse growing up. and by the time I was an adult I wanted to stay pretty clear of people. Not allowing people to get close to me. Before cps got involved I had done alot of work over the years on it and was doing much better with talking to people and having full conversations, even hanging out, going to college. But now that cps is here I've spent the last 8 months alone again- aside from some activism events. I know it can be very embarrissing going through something like this if you've been falsely accused. It can be traumatizing. Alot of it is about broken trust. The system has broke my trust on more then one occassion. The government... Well, I've seen alot of bad things they've been doing, but most countries have alot of the same shit going down, mostly involving coperations and money. The people... There are so many people who have wacky perceptions, and then there are those who wouldn't understand, because who is to believe? The stranger you've never met before or the court/caseworker you've never met before but supposedly bases their proffesion on truth and justice? I think it's all a normal but hard reaction to have to what is happening to us. Learning to trust again after events like this is not easy, and now going through all of this I'm wondering when it is I should make myself trust. How can we trust anyone if we can't trust those that are supposed to be helping protect our communities children? It's so sad. I've been thinking for a long time about how happy I was and doing so well around people before cps came into play. I thought I had all of the tools to stay healthy no matter what anyone did to me. I had gained my self confidence. I knew deep down I was a good person. And no abuser could tell me otherwise. And now I'm trapped in cps abuse and cannot leave without losing my kid.