Feeling guilty?

How does one recover from trauma and PTSD? This area is for people who have been attacked by CPS and are having a hard time getting over it.

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noroses4u2c
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Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:57 am

Feeling guilty?

Postby noroses4u2c » Sat Mar 17, 2012 1:04 pm

I feel guilty when I eat because I am not feeding my girl too. I feel guilty when I go somewhere like I'm leaving her behind. I feel this way much of the time these days, even though it was in no way my choice that she is gone. I am not even allowed to speak to her anymore. How do I get past this guilt?

For fourteen and half years I cared for her constantly. She was rarely out of my sight unless she was at school. Now she is gone for at least two and half years.

Why do I keep feeling guilty when this was not even my fault? I would never have wanted this to happen. I wanted my baby with me forever.

I cannot even get help from a therapist around here because every one I have spoken with blames me and believes the lies CPS has told. They end up making me feel worse. I sometimes leave a therapist feeling suicidal after he/she has spoken to me the way they do.

I want my baby back. I keep thinking she'll never be able to find me when she turns 18. What if she finds me later but never wants to actually live with me again? What if they succeed in alienating her from me forever?
My child was abducted by the government. They demanded a ransom (the case plan). I paid the ransom and my child was kept anyway. It isn't much different from stranger abduction except that the government uses its power to make the abduction legal and unpunishable.

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Daruma
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Re: Feeling guilty?

Postby Daruma » Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:09 pm

NoRoses, that sounds like depression, on top of your already-diagnosed PTSD. Is there a doctor or therapist in another town you could see? How about a support group for domestic violence victims? Maybe someone at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org/) could refer you to a sympathetic counselor.

You fought really hard for your daughter, against all the odds. She won't forget that. And she sounds like a very smart, resourceful girl. She won't have any trouble finding you.
These are my personal opinions only. They are not legal, medical, or financial advice.

noroses4u2c
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Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:57 am

Re: Feeling guilty?

Postby noroses4u2c » Sun Mar 18, 2012 11:12 pm

They had got her to agree to live with him by telling her that she'd get to see and talk to me more often if she were living with him. She believed them.

I'm forever going to have this over my head.

I thought my current therapist believed me, until it turned out she did indeed wrote up those lies and badmouthed me while telling me she'd give me a good recommendation. I'm never going back to her again.

Everyone around here who believed me is now avoiding me, even the ones who still believe me.

I am losing my apartment soon. I have nowhere to go really. I'm not eligible for subsidized housing because of my bad credit from all the financial problems.

I was intending to fight for her in Virginia, but I can't even get lawyers out there to talk to me for long. They find out what happened here and don't want to touch it. And when they succeed in TPR in KY, it won't matter anyway. And then my daughter could lose her future kids if they ever find out she allowed me to watch them for her or something. I am considered too dangerous to be around her. I never even abused her. I have been told by lawyers out in Virginia that after what happened here in KY that I don't stand a chance.

I don't have the means to go out of town. The engine is going out on my car. I blew my disability backpay paying for a two bedroom apartment for nothing. I was essentially court ordered to buy a lockbox and lock my medicine up from myself, since she was never meant to come home in the first place.

I have cabinets full of food I cannot eat without making my intestines bleed from the Crohn's. It was purchased for my daughter before she was taken. I struggle to get food that I can eat. People treat me like I'm too ungrateful to eat what's in my cabinets. I cannot eat it without making myself really sick.

Everywhere I go I am treated with scorn. People have even come up to me and cursed me because of what I supposedly did to my daughter. I hate every last one of them. It seems I cannot leave my apartment without someone who knows seeing me and giving me at minimum glaring looks. After people have come up and cussed me, I've been jumpy and wondering if someone isn't going to beat me up next.

The local DV group even started treating me like a crazed lunatic or something. The case worker talked to them about me and their attitude totally changed. They all keep saying things like 'the worker wouldn't just lie; she had to have got the information from somewhere.' They refuse to believe that the case worker would ever lie on someone. To them, she is just doing her job.

I was deemed guilty without a chance to prove my innocence. My attempts to prove my innocence were treated as proof of my 'mental illness' that I did not have. I only turned into a basketcase after my daughter was stolen from me.

Just about everything I was taught growing up turned out to be a lie. The constitution is just a piece of paper. It never applied to me. Why'd they make me learn so much stuff that would never apply to me? All those government teachers telling me I had rights I obviously never had.

I don't know how she'd ever find me after she's 18. I don't even know where I'll be. I don't have anywhere to go really. My family never wanted me. I've lost all of my friends around here. They'll probably be telling her I gave up on her. She keeps believing what they tell her. She actually believed that we'd get to see each other more if she lived with him just because they told her that, after she knows they keep lying about things. Why would she even look for me after she believes them when they'll tell her I gave up on her? I cannot even put on a blog somewhere what happened without breaking the court order and facing incarceration. I am not allowed to post it on facebook. She would never know my side unless she found me one day.

I might as well not even be a citizen. I have no rights. Not a single lawyer cared about what was happening to me. No one with any power to help cared about me or my daughter. I will remember that always.

If a therapist is going to smile up in my face trying to act sympathetic while believing me a liar then I don't want anything to do with that. I don't believe a therapist could ever believe me. They're all part of the same system. Talking to someone who doesn't believe me is a waste of my time. I am tired of people smiling in my face while they stab me in the back.

I am alone. I have no family. I have no friends. I have absolutely nothing positive in my life at all.

And the disability and food stamp office got 'information' that I was making money I wasn't. I had to fight to keep from losing that. I am pretty sure that case worker was behind it. She loves to make trouble for someone. No one else I know would've done it. When I got the food stamps back, I ended up getting an increase in food stamps. It wasn't worth the stress though. I'll still spend it. It doesn't last long with cost of food these days.
My child was abducted by the government. They demanded a ransom (the case plan). I paid the ransom and my child was kept anyway. It isn't much different from stranger abduction except that the government uses its power to make the abduction legal and unpunishable.

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Eljay
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Re: Feeling guilty?

Postby Eljay » Mon Mar 19, 2012 3:09 pm

I wish SO MUCH that I could help! I have seen nothing but articulate, thoughtful, insightful & intelligent communications from you. Please know that WE know the truth, and YOU know the truth. Bullies have a tendency to gang up on victims and that is what is happening to you. I don't know why and it's WRONG. Wrong for you and wrong for your daughter. Please be strong for her. Pick up the pieces, move on, find a place where you are loved, or at a minimum, where you aren't victimized. She will find you.

My heart breaks for you. :(
Advice & opinions provided are no substitute for genuine legal assistance. Laws & rules vary by state/jurisdiction so do your homework and get
an education in CPS laws, rules & practices so that you can FIGHT for your children's rights. I am not a lawyer. Your mileage may vary.

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noroses4u2c
Posts: 877
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:57 am

Re: Feeling guilty?

Postby noroses4u2c » Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:33 am

I'm supposed to be packing, but I feel guilty. I feel like I'm leaving her behind. I know it isn't my choice. I know she's already gone. I feel like I am betraying her by moving. I know I have to move though.
My child was abducted by the government. They demanded a ransom (the case plan). I paid the ransom and my child was kept anyway. It isn't much different from stranger abduction except that the government uses its power to make the abduction legal and unpunishable.

noroses4u2c
Posts: 877
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:57 am

Re: Feeling guilty?

Postby noroses4u2c » Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:43 am

I still haven't packed much. I find stuff while packing that is painful. My daughter is gone forever. I cannot do anything about it.
My child was abducted by the government. They demanded a ransom (the case plan). I paid the ransom and my child was kept anyway. It isn't much different from stranger abduction except that the government uses its power to make the abduction legal and unpunishable.

noroses4u2c
Posts: 877
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:57 am

Re: Feeling guilty?

Postby noroses4u2c » Mon Jul 09, 2012 10:35 am

They still have not attempted to come to my mom's place about the cats. They'll probably add 'cat hoarding issues' to the official file though. They love to add negative things to the file. Nothing positive goes in the file. Only negative.

I haven't heard from my girl since May. Almost two months and she still has not called me. I don't expect her to ever call me again, either. The last times she called she was acting so weird and I think that they have her drugged to make her comply with their demands. It is so easy to drug kids nowadays. CPS abducts the kids and then drugs them when most of them put up a fuss. They did not like that my daughter kept resisting them. And my ex wouldn't care if she were destroyed. All he cares about is hurting me. That's all he ever cared about.

They will have her messed up completely by the time she is an adult. She was already showing signs of PTSD before they sent her away.

I am totally alone except for my cats. My cats are extremely jumpy now if they hear anyone, even the one who used to go up to anyone. Animals are so much smarter than people think. One of my cats used to growl whenever the worker came. She knew the woman had taken her person from her.

I have not let them know where I moved. I am not allowed to see my girl again anyway. They have no business coming to my home. I keep getting scared that they will find where I moved though. I think I'm about as jumpy as my cats. My cats usually alert me when someone is near though. Sometimes I wish I had some money to buy a small foreclosure home so I could just move away. And get a dog or two to help keep an eye out and keep me company when the cats want to be left alone. CPS drained my savings though while I was forced to live way beyond my means just to see my child.

I keep longing to die sometimes. I called the suicide hotline. But they keep insisting I get a local therapist to talk to on a regular basis. The ones the government pays for are social workers who keep invalidating me and believing the lies said about me. I feel even more suicidal after talking to them. I cannot afford a regular therapist. The cheapest one I found costs $65/session. That therapist sounded really nice when she spoke to me on the phone.

I know after they terminate my parental rights that my daughter will not even legally be my child anymore. Legally, we wouldn't be considered related. I still haven't received the papers in the mail terminating my parental rights though. I keep expecting them any day now.

I didn't abuse my child. I did everything demanded of me. Nothing I ever did mattered. And I will now be considered a child abuser for the rest of my life. I will forever have a record for something I didn't do. My life is permanently altered forever. And my daughter will be used to being without me by the time she is an adult. They have her in counseling going on about how awful I am and how I will never change. It will be easier for her to just forget about me. I know there will never be any reunions.

I cannot even live without their voices running through my head. When I leave my medicine out, because I refuse to abide by the case plan that makes me lock my meds up from myself any longer, I hear their voices about what a worthless person it makes me. I am so mentally traumatized by what they did to me that I hear their voices for just about anything I do. I want so bad to shut them out and forget they ever existed. I still haven't finished unpacking. The worker's voice "you should've unpacked faster" keeps replaying in my head. That's what she said when she took my daughter from me.

I have trouble forcing myself to do much of anything. I just want to die. But I know my mom couldn't handle it. I am all she has left. She has been missing my girl badly too. She barely exists at all right now. She just goes to work and comes home. We still have our differences, but I don't want to abandon her.
My child was abducted by the government. They demanded a ransom (the case plan). I paid the ransom and my child was kept anyway. It isn't much different from stranger abduction except that the government uses its power to make the abduction legal and unpunishable.


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