Devastated about custody

[KRocky]

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[LindaJM]

Whether the judge will take into consideration the wishes of the children may depend on the laws of your state. Some states have a certain age at which they'll decide in favor of what the children want. Of course, your lawyer knows the judges involved and would know what they're most likely to do.

I agree - don't ever miss a visit! Any missed visits will be held against you. And it is true that the older child could still change her mind. Is there any way you could get a video of the children saying they want to be home with you? That could be used in court, I believe. You could ask your lawyer about it.

[KRocky]

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[LindaJM]

Is your lawyer accessible? Can you call and discuss this with him? I think any paperwork requests should be done by the lawyer if at all possible.

[monkette31]

I believe the children are being told that you do not want them home or "are not doing what you need to do" in order to get them home....and it's depressing to her. Are they also in therapy? I have learned from my own children that they were taken to therapists weekly, while still in the re-unification and TOLD they would never be coming home and early in the re-unification at that too.

CPS is a financial racket, nothing to do with caring for children. This is just what they do, fish for children and permanently place 52% of the children that come into their care (la county). With that are the private contractors, the therapists who are financially incentivized to keep children for the what next 5-8 years of funding they will be receiving for placing them out of family care. They are most likely working on her hard. I know one lady here in Los Angeles who when her 8 year old girl was taken, she was crying and screaming to hold on. Within a year, the child will not even look at her on court dates, totally brainwashed by father's family, the court, the lawyers and the system.

My advice to you is to try to bond with this child while on visits. Whisper to her, tell her you love her and want her home, just make her believe that because I'm pretty sure they are working her hard on the other end. I know another lady who this has happened to as well with her daughter about your age. The first few months, it was desperation to go home, now the child does NOT want to go home and keeps insisting her relative is unstable. It's psychological warfare and the kid is the victim, the state gets paid. I am sorry to be so cynical but this is reality and what they do. They do it intentionally with the children, to the children, it's horrid and abusive.

I'm sorry that you have been victimized, don't feel bad about it, they do it professionally. They are called re-integration therapists, but you might know them as foster home therapists. Everyone gets paid when the child doesn't go home!!!

[monkette31]

I mean, if it's that type of relationship where you can tell the 13 year old flat out....say, they are working against you coming home and might even tell you horrible things about me but I want you to know that I always will want you home....please don't believe them....

[KRocky]

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[rakhel]

You could but don't have to. Way back when, my husband offered to take anger management before it could even be suggested(which it never was) to try to beat them to the punch, so to speak. His lawyer advised him not to as that would be an admission of guilt. You don't want to have a psych eval before they "request" one, because then the reasoning is that you must have thought something was wrong so they were right to take the kids because you have been denying you have had mental problems. Which can be used against you.
Parenting classes don't hurt. They one we took provided a lot of information and resourses that were available in the city. Not sure if that is the case for all parenting classes, but the certificate was court approved. And it was one we found rather than waiting for the one they wanted us to take
And I feel you on the kids and what to tell them.
When ours were taken we had two teens and two toddlers. I told them, the teens, in the beginning what ACS would try to do and what they would try to say. One listened and is back with us. The other one, who was more susceptible to outside influence, is still there and has caused more problems, not only with our lives but with her own as well, and is still there.

[monkette31]

If you're in California, go get your own psych eval, they're called 730's. It was recommended to me to have one handy as they do know it's used as a weapon against re-unification and they have their own little army of paid off consultants to get their results....so get your own first, I heard it pisses them off but keep it in your back pocket until they bring it up.

[treytrey1]

They tried saying my kids were happy where they were but my mom told me later they were only given the choice of going to a foster home or
staying with the grandparents. I guess I would pick my grandparents too if I thought I couldn't come home. Our therapist lied and said we minimized
or denied what happened to our son. We always owned up to the fact that if we had watched over him more and had some consistency in his life he
wouldn't have molested. We know we could have been better parents, but he always knew we loved him.

[Daxx27]

You've gotten some great advice and guidance. I don't doubt it's gut wrenching for you to see your nieces so conflicted. I want to add into this that they are at a pivotable time personally in their lives by and in the throws of puberty. Puberty in and of itself is a confusing and mostly difficult time.

I urge you to not take some of their actions and feelings personally due to their age and fluctuating hormones. A child can be enticed by dangling candy (metaphorically) in front of them. This holds true for a child at any age but it's intensified more so during puberty.

Be consistent in your words and actions of love towards them. It's okay to tell them you don't have answers and that you're on this roller coaster with them (that you wish you could get all of you off of). Keep telling them you're doing everything in your power to do WHAT'S BEST for them. Tell them this by giving examples so they are hearing concrete evidence of your actions. If you just tell them you're doing everything you can and not telling them how, it leaves them wondering what exactly "doing everything you can" means.

Also, validate their feelings. If one of them is saying she doesn't wish to return to you, tell her you respect her feelings that way she doesn't feel she's being pulled in yet another direction by you (yet, one more person adding stress to her life). Validating feelings is HUGE. Children CRAVE validation and by doing so, she may come to understand that you've been on her side all along and that you have her true interests and feelings in mind. They need to know you are putting their well being before your wants.

Urge them to explore their inner feelings, to forget ALL outside influence and to only act for themselves. They need to know that this isn't about what anyone else but them want. Urge them to only think about themselves and what will (ultimately) make them happy. Ask them what they see and want in the distant future. Do they picture themselves living with their foster parents until they turn 18 or do they picture their life back with you eventually? Do they see wanting you by their side during things like good report cards, boyfriends, dances, performances, prom, etc?

Keep us updated!

[KRocky]

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[KRocky]

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