I made a mistake in going to CPS

Are you going through an investigation now? Tell your story and get feedback here.

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Marina07
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I made a mistake in going to CPS

Postby Marina07 » Fri Nov 30, 2007 3:37 pm

I don't know where to start. 3 months ago my daughter came to me and said that my exboyfriend sexually abused her, by having her perform oral sex on him. I left the home, planned on finding a private psychologist to determine if what she said was true, and decided to stay with my parents. My parents immediately called state police to report my now exboyfriend. I had doubts from the beginning that he did this, but I chose to trust my daughter's word, despite the doubts. Although, I wish I had brought her to a private psychologist, not state police, and then CPS.

I went down to CPS, they interviewed me, I explained what happened, and then they interviewed my daughter. The next day, they had me call my now exboyfriend, and ask him what happened. He told them that my daughter had saw him going to the bathroom, and it must have scared her. I guess at that point they had enough information to place orders of protection on all the children, including my daughter. I was pretty shocked. Soon after followed an emergency placement for his 2 children, their mother is currently in jail, so they were placed with their grandmother. His children were also interviewed, and said he had never touched them innappropriately, and they felt safe with him. After that court case began my daughter's validation process, to determine if she is credible. I have no idea what has been said during the time they are interviewing her, and they often interview her for an hour at a time. I froze up when the validating psychologist talked to me, and lied about being pregnant (I was 13 weeks pregnant at the time), and also lied about never being sexually abused myself, maybe I was thinking that will make him look less guilty?? I'm not sure why I didn't tell her the truth!

After the last validation interview, there should still be one more, I started to have some serious doubts. My daughter would talk about my exboyfriend, who she calls daddy. Saying, remember when daddy peed, and I ate his pee-pee. Remember, they are alleging that she performed oral sex on him. Taken as is, that statement sounds really bad......until she adds in, he did this, and she shows me how he peed and how some of his pee-pee went in her mouth, as in, urine. And she says, I don't like how boys pee. This alarmed me, I freaked out, thinking I have falsely accused him of doing something horrible, and now CPS believes it! I didn't say anything to them about it, in fact, I felt done with CPS at that point anyway. I was promised my daughter would be set up with psychiatric treatment, and I waited, and waited, and waited, and finally took matters into my own hands, TWO whole months after the alleged abuse occured, and got her a psychologist. I told the psychologist I want the truth about what happened, the TRUTH. I feel strongly that he didn't do this, but I was told by my attorney that if I support him, I will have my daughter taken from my custody. I find that so unbelievable and ridiculous! And now I am really scared because I have talked to him, and now I am so scared that have reason to take her away from me. I would probably die if that happened. My parents pressured me to have an abortion after they found out I was pregnant, and I really couldn't handle losing another child! They have looked at my myspace page, noticing pictures of my dog, and how my exboyfriend has the dog at his house. The apartment I live at does not allow dogs, so I let him take the dog, since it was our dog. They also noticed pictures I had of him and I, that I had not taken off my page, and now worry that they will think we are still together. I have stopped having contact with him because I am scared, I want to play by their rules, but also can't help the way I feel, and feel that it's ridiculous that I have no right to doubt that this occurred! My dad has also put things into my daughter's head about my exboyfriend, telling her to tell the CPS workers that it happened, and that if she doesn't, she'll never see me again. I feel very lost and confused right now. My exboyfriend is a mess without his kids, and my daughter doesn't understand why she can't see her "dad", it's been really hard. My lawyer tells me that all I have to do is play by their rules until the case is dismissed. My exboyfriend has a good lawyer, but I am scared that if we will never be able to be together again even if the case is dismissed, because I feel we will always have CPS on our backs about it. What do you think? What should I do? I need all the help/advice I can get? I am not a bad mom, I did believe my daughter, and now I believe what she is saying now? Why is it okay to believe her when she says she was abused, but I can't believe her when she tells me it didn't happen? I don't understand!

Edit- one more thing. They want to set me and my daughter up with a nexxus (sp?) program, where a caseworker and mental health worker will come to my home and give us services. I told the caseworker I don't want to do it anymore, that I waited too long for therapy, and I took matters into my own hands for myself and my daughter, so we don't need it. She said it's not voluntary, that I have to do it, is that true?

anxiousmom
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Postby anxiousmom » Sat Dec 01, 2007 10:22 am

How old is your daughter?

I'm sorry for all that you are going through, but for me, I wouldn't have any contact with him until all of this is over & the truth is known.

You sound like a loving mom & I"m sure you would never want to be with a man that touched your daughter in any way inappropriately.

While I can see your reasons for doubting it happened, right now, I just think you need to wait & find out the truth.

To me it is alarming that she said she drank some of his pee pee...or that some of it got into his mouth. HOW could something like that happen? That doesn't sound right.

You 100 percent risk loosing your dd if you remain in contact with him. That is not a chance you want to take.

Take down the pictures of him & you on your Myspace account.

I can understand that it is painful, but right now you have to break all ties with him.

I'm sure you would never be with a man that did anything with your dd or that you even had doubts about regarding that.

They may be able to force you to have the mental health counseling at your home. What does your safety plan or family plan state you have to do?

I take it your dd is still in your home?

Has anything been court ordered?

Marina07
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Postby Marina07 » Sat Dec 01, 2007 12:57 pm

My daughter just turned 4.

I have not had any contact with him since I was told I could lose my daughter by having contact with him, but I was never told that. I was just told it's a good idea not to have contact with him until the investigation is over and the case is closed. I thought for investigative purposes.

As far as I know, I don't have a family plan or safety plan. I was just told they were going to set me up with a program where they come to your house. Although, two months have passed since seeing a caseworker. They contacted me last week, and wanted me to meet, but it was very short notice and I couldn't. The last time I met with any caseworker was october 11th. I have no idea what is going on with the case, what they're discovered, nothing. Last I heard he was being put into the register as inadequate guardianship.

And my daughter is in my home. We left my parents house in the beginning of November, and I got my own apartment, so my daughter could be somewhere neutral. My parents had been putting things in my daughter's head, saying to say things about my exboyfriend when she was interviewed. And I wouldn't put it past them to even make her believe it happened. She sometimes tells me that her grandfather did something to her in the bathroom, and says to say it was my exboyfriend. I feel really uncomfortable with her around him now, he does touch her weird, and it makes me uncomfortable.

I am just so angry. I want the truth, whether he did it or not, but I feel like my life is on hold until the truth comes out or the case is dismissed. Although, I'd rather have the truth come out.

One more question, if they find out he did do this, or did do something, even if it's a lesser charge, does that mean I can never have contact with him again because we are not married and don't have kids together? I read about reunification plans, but it seems to only be for people who were married and had kids together, is that true? I'd do whatever they wanted for our family to be together again, anything, even deal with CPS for the next year or two, it would be worth it.

And the only thing court ordered is orders of protection on all the children, except for supervized visitation for his kids. So far they've only gone into the temp placement of his kids, because their mom is in jail. Nothing else has been court ordered though, that will probably be the next court case, although on the court papers it says it is a conference regarding placement of his children.

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katgotsteve
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Postby katgotsteve » Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:26 pm

i just feel like i need to make a comment. often children of a young age will lie about who is actually abusing them with a fear of some kind. if the g/f is abusing her, she may feel safer accusing the b/f. it is called perpetrator (msp.) substitution. since you have your own therapist and she can not devulge any thing to cps, only if a crime is on going, you may want to ask her about your susipcions. were you sexually abused by this man? this would be a pattern of abuse on his part. now, i personally think you were right in lieing to them, they use this against you, but you need to come clean with the therapist for your daughter, it will help her find the truth.

Marina07
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Postby Marina07 » Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:36 pm

Thanks for all the help in this.

And yes, my dad abused me. I only went on for a year, from the time I was 5 until 6. I started, in a way, sexually abusing peers, and a boy my mom babysits mentioned that I had did something to her son, and it was after that that my dad stopped abusing me. I think because he got scared. I left out things because I didn't want to make my exboyfriend look less guilty, as horrible as that sounds. Plus, my dad had gone with me to DSS when my daughter had her interview with the sexual abuse psychologist. I will definitely bring it up with my daughter's psychologist. She is already aware of the fact that the DAY we left my parents house, my daughter stopped peeing her pants and wetting the bed, before, it was an everyday occurance, and she is afraid to use the bathroom there. I just never imagined my dad could do this to HER, it was easier to immediately assume it was my ex because we had a lot of stress at the time, because I was pregnant and he wanted me to abort, and his youngest kids mom had just gone to jail. I will never forgive myself if I jumped to conclusions, and he really is innocent.

debbiescalese
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Postby debbiescalese » Sun Dec 02, 2007 4:45 am

This kinda goes with what katgotsteve said. There was a case around here receintly that I was told of where a young boy (not sure but I think they said 6) was accusing one relative of sexually abusing him when they later found out it was in fact a different relative. I was told that sometimes a child will accuse somebody they are less afraid of so they can talk about it but don't feel like they would get introuble for it. I strongly suggest you call the number at www.stopitnow.org they have counslers on the phone you can call (I DID ) and they can give you some guidance and direction. Fact is your daughter may have been sexually abused you need to find out who did it and if it is the grandfather he needs to be prosecuted before he does it to another child and your boyfriend needs to be cleared of all charges. How would you feel if you were accused of a horrible crime you did not do and was seperated from your children because of it. You may need to come clean about the abuse done to you to help your daughter. Ponder this one what if something happens to you where you can't take care of your child and they send your child to live with her grandfather and he abuses her, and cps was not informed of his history so they didn't know they were sending a child to a predator.

glass
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Postby glass » Sun Dec 02, 2007 11:00 am

if it did come out that he really did this, why would you want contact with him??

anxiousmom
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Postby anxiousmom » Sun Dec 02, 2007 12:12 pm

You need to tell cps that your dad sexually abused you! It happened at about the same age as your dd.

I'm not judging you, but it just seems like you would never have left your dd with your parents knowing your dad abused you.

And, surely you would not want to be with your exboyfriend if it does infact come out that he abused your dd.

I understand it's hard to loose someone you love, but your child comes first & you have to protect her.

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katgotsteve
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Postby katgotsteve » Sun Dec 02, 2007 6:55 pm

i personally would not go to cps with the fact my father abused me. i went to them for help and it blew up in my face. you need to work with the therapist and work on finding the truth. if you go to them now, it will look as though you are protecting your ex. it can be turned on you.
work with the therapist or one you can trust. talk to an attorney about all this also. i have lived with someone falsely accused, it is not easy to get over the accusation. false or not, cps will sidewith the child and forcing the child to live with a lie is often more damaging. cps is not after truth or helping, they are after an easy fix. take the child, place her here, place her there, so we dont have to deal with this. dont open your life up anymore than you have to, also, you may want to seek counseling to deal with your past issues with your father. become a stronger person for your daughter, i have found when dealing with cps, the truth is not always the best policy. protect your daughter, protect yourself. your daughter needs you as her defense. another thing you should know is that dealing the cps, the truth will never come out only speculation and what could have happened. i would also have a physical exam done, your daughter could be blocking out some things that happened. your peditrician can do just a look, no need for scraping and stuff like that. you can also talk to him about it, i brought mine in and he clarified so much for me. he stood by me and my husband and helped us find the truth.
your father is a pedophile, he has committed incest. it may be hard to hear and deal with, but he didnt just stop. his "needs" are still there, it is a sickness that never goes away. there could be other victims too, if by chance your daughter tells the therapist about it, you may find that more of your family members come clean about it. i know that this is a secret that you have kept for awhile, but i feel as though it has festered in you. the fact that this could have happened to your daughter has drug it up again, so please find someone to talk to about it. please help your self before it affects your daughter's life.

Momoffor
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Postby Momoffor » Wed Dec 05, 2007 6:10 pm

I guess I just dont understand how you could even fathom he wouldnt mess around with your daguther when he did it to you. There is no such thing as a one time mistake that will never happen again. There is a wanting there long before they ever act.

I just hope the truth comes out finally, and if your ex is innocent. I would feel soooooooooo sorry for him and his children. But I do have to say ...

How does one accidently urinate in a childs mouth???????!!!

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katgotsteve
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Postby katgotsteve » Wed Dec 05, 2007 6:58 pm

i dont remember reading anyone accidently urinated in anyone's mouth....what i read was the child accidently walked in on him urinating and her allegation was that he urinated in her mouth. i dont think he claimed it accidentally, i think he is denying it happened all together.
his only admission if i am correct is that the child walked in on him in while usng the bathroom....
please correct me if i am wrong...
i will say this, the same thing about walking in on my husband while using the bathroom or getting out of the shower was used against us. it didnt matter that the kids are not allowed in our bathroom, (of course they use it any way), if they even accidently walked it was wrong of us.

Momoffor
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Postby Momoffor » Wed Dec 05, 2007 7:27 pm

I didnt say he admitted it. The mother said it all looks bad until the daughter shows how how he pees and how some went in her mouth.

As a small child I used to walk in on my father and brother all the time. Men have some sort of disablity that affects them from closing the door all the way. My sons seem to suffer from it as well!

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LindaJM
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Postby LindaJM » Wed Dec 05, 2007 11:28 pm

CPS is watching you to see if you reunite with your boyfriend. Whatever else you do, don't reunite with him in any way. If you think they're no longer watching and resume your relationship, they can swoop in and take your child saying you're not protecting her.

Also don't take your daughter around your father; if you do, your counselor will have to report it to CPS.

Work with your counselor and lawyer.

Do not volunteer any more information to CPS caseworkers. Anything you say can and probably will be twisted and used against you.

About the special in-home program, what does your court order say? Did you sign an agreement with CPS saying you would do whatever they wanted you to?

It is sad that your boyfriend is suffering from what could be a false accusation, but it is not your fault. Your daughter said what she said, and you reacted appropriately. Because you did, you still have your child. Your boyfriend, if innocent, is enduring what he's going through because of something a very young child said, and because of the CPS laws we all distrust. I repeat, none of this is your fault. You're a good mom doing the right things.

Hope some of this helps.

Linda
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Please keep in mind that none of us are lawyers and we can't give legal advice. We are simply telling you what we would do in a similar situation. It is to your advantage to get a lawyer.

"Evil flourishes when good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke ... so try to do something to change the system ...

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katgotsteve
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Postby katgotsteve » Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:06 am

Marina07
linda is exactly right, you did what any good mother would do. you also did what anyone who has truly been abused by her parents would do.
as a mother, our first thoughts are always to believe all children, because who wants to believe a child is lieing esp. about something so wrong. on the other hand, our society believes that when a man is accused of any abuse, physical, sexual or emotional, they are always guilty.
when i dealing with this, i asked them why is it so easy to believe this happened when logic and common sense dictates it did not happen. i was told, becuase she is a child and we have to believe her. so my next question was, well, after all the men she has accused, why are yall just now going after my husband and not the men she has accused in the past. because we didnt have any proof to go after them. do you have proof against my husband, no. we are just doing what the court has ordered us to do. so i said basically my family is being punished, even though you have no proof or any evidence this crime has happened, you have a "victim" who is not credible in a legal sense, she is only creditable becuase she is under the age of 18 and now you are creating more victims, being my family. you are creating an atmosphere where my children will not be honest with me, you are creating a man with already trust issue and making them worse, you are making me more of an angry bitch then i already am and you are putting your agency at risk for lawsuits and investigation, becuase that is your job. well all i have to say is that if i did my job like you did yours, i wouldnt have a job much less want one if i were this damn inept.
your relationship with this man may be damaged beyond repair, he may never want to see you again, but please dont let that hender you from continuing your life and doing what is best for your child.
keep continuing on the path you are one and let the love of your child keep you going.

Marina07
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Postby Marina07 » Sat Dec 08, 2007 5:28 pm

The pee in my daughter's mouth, that was one of her interpretations of it. But she is constantly saying, you peed on me, or things like that, being silly, which is how she originally said, I ate daddy's pee-pee, like it was a joke. It's not that she's being bad or lying, or anything like that, she's being a 3-4 year old, who doesn't always understand WHAT she is saying.

And the thing about my dad, it was always just me. He never did anything to my sister, that I know of. My sister swears up and down that he never touched her, so I always thought it was just that he didn't like me....I'm not his biological daughter, my mom found out she was pregnant before they started dating.

I ended up calling a lawyer last week, and feel a lot better. He said I have nothing to worry about. I did everything right, I got out of the situation, I protected my daughter, I got her a psychologist to talk to when cps wouldn't help me or refer her to one, I cooperated with them, and that talking to him was not grounds for having her taken away. He told me to mention everything to my appointed lawyer, the problems she had at my parent's house, how those problems stopped the day I left, the two psychologists who don't believe she was abused, and how they wouldn't return my phone calls when I asked for a referral to a psychologist, everything. Regardless, when I met with a caseworker last week, I didn't mention anything. She asked if I had contact with my exboyfriend, I told her I called him once, and that's it, and that I had no intentions of continuing the relationship. She tried to say, it's okay if you get back together or talk to him, which I think was lies! I think she was trying to get me to admit to seeing him, and I wouldn't. I refused the in-home program because it's for kids suffering symptoms from a trauma, my daughter doesn't have any of the usual symptoms, so there is no need, and her psychologist is writing a note to tell them just this. The lawyer I spoke with said the program is good, but I don't have to do it, and my daughter's psychologist said she'd rather I don't do it. Her psychologist has said she is doing so well, she doesn't see any reason to continue therapy for her, and her experience with therapy should end on a positive note. My daughter was also supposed to complete her sexual abuse evaluation this friday, but the psychologist never got back to me to set up an appointment, so it was not completed, what will that mean? It's now been past the 90 day mark for the investigation.

We have a court date on the 11th, any idea what will happen? Do you think my ex will get his kids back in the near future? The caseworker told me if the case gets dismissed or it is unfounded on the 11th, she will only need to see me twice more. If it goes to trial, she will need to see my daughter and I once a month, and then my ex will be in contact with her for one year while he completes a treatment program. My lawyer told me that he has one of the best lawyers, and that if nothing happened, they won't have anything on him. From everything I've been reading, the key to winning these things is to have a good lawyer, right? I just know I really miss my step-kids. Their mom is in jail, and I was like a mom to them, not seeing them has been really tough. I want our family to be together again, but I'm so scared this will drag out. I don't have a lot of hope of him getting his kids back anytime soon, that's for sure. But I know, he has not agreed to any service plans, or anything like that, his lawyer has said not to sign any of them, and he hasn't. I think the plan is to just get this case dismissed or have the abuse allegations be unfounded. We want our lives back! We want our family back together!
Last edited by Marina07 on Sat Dec 08, 2007 7:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Marina07
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Postby Marina07 » Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:28 pm

One more thing. My daughter's law guardian said that she has called the caseworker weekly, and she never returns her calls. She even called the department of social services attorney, and was informed that she'd be out on vacation for the next week, and is coming back the DAY of the court case. Her law guardian asked if they ever contacted me about finishing my daughter's sexual abuse evaluation, and I told her no, I hadn't heard from a caseworker until last week. This investigation started in september, and from october 11th until now, I only received ONE call from a caseworker. If you are SO sure that my child was sexually abused, don't you think you'd want to be on top of things!?

I am just livid with CPS, this whole process.

Also, the investigators kept nagging me to call my exboyfriend and coerce him into cofessing. They kept saying, tell him you want him to admit that he sexually abused your daughter, and then you'll take him back, and nothing bad will happen to him. I was making a taped phone call, and they were writing that down on a piece of paper. I picked up another piece of paper and wrote, "NO!" I'm just so sick of the way they have handled everything. If it goes to trial, I am definitely hiring my own lawyer, and not an appointed one, I am already not overly impressed with her, even though I spoke to another lawyer who said she is good.

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Greegor
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Postby Greegor » Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:30 pm

I saw how they went wild with a seven year old
using imprecise language "pushed my head under water"
when it should have been "pushed head under shower spray".

I can easily imagine how they would fertively interpret
the barely verbal babbling of a three year old.

All of this hubub and the only evidence so far
is the babbling of a three or four year old?

Even for the crappy Family Courts, this should not be a case.

Of course, they will try to get away with MAKING
a case out of darn near anything...

Somebody posted a link for some stop the abuse site.
They would of course be mandatory reporters and
even a blocked Caller ID can be undone with many
types of corporate, Toll Free or VOIP telephone systems.

In such situations the need for mandatory reporting
can really shut down much needed emotional counseling,
overshadowed by the inquisition to root out child abuse.

In this case, the person to really fight the accusation
will be him, and him alone.

There's nothing (yet) to make this criminal and
I would HOPE that he would fight like heck in the
Juvenile Court AND the state registry, and that he
knows they have another crap case.

Did they already con him into "stipulating"?

Marina07
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Postby Marina07 » Mon Dec 10, 2007 2:01 pm

So far he has no admitted to anything, he will not take a plea bargain, won't sign any family plan, etc, he did not do it and he will not be satisfied until the case is closed and the abuse is unfounded. He has a VERY good lawyer, so he's got that on his side.

I did some of my own research on the psychologist who did my daughter's sexual abuse evaluation, and she has worked on some pretty big cases of false allegations. They bring her in to find abuse, no matter what. She even went on to say those that are affectionate with their kids are sexually abusing them, kids that don't like peanut butter are being sexually abused, and she is big on working with CPS to convict people, which includes asking children extremely leading questions. She's been bashed in many courtrooms for this, in fact. I am beyond angry about all of this, how DARE they use my sweet, friendly, easily swayed child to make a case out of NOTHING!? I am just livid!! The next court case is tomorrow, so I will let you know. They've already dragged their feet a lot, and I know her sex abuse evaluation isn't finished, so if they say they want more time, heads will be rolling tomorrow!

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Greegor
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Postby Greegor » Wed Dec 12, 2007 3:15 am

Why would they drag their feet if they had something real?

Marina07
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Postby Marina07 » Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:57 pm

That's what I said too. If they had something real, this should have gone to trial a long time ago, or they should have arrested him, or something. Instead, they still have not finished the abuse validation, she needs to see my daughter one last time, but it's been 2 months since she last saw her.

In a way I'm glad it's going to trial, 2 days in family court, all because of this "expert witness". I'd love for them to throw her credentials around, because she has none, she is not a licensed psychologist, and there's still no proof she has a Ph.D, even though she introduced herself as Dr. ***** ***** Ph.D. Although, I guess when you pay your expert $15,000 to claim absuse happened, you want to see it at least go to trial I guess. :roll:


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