my heart and soul..

[hollylee]

It's been four years since cps took my son from me over false allegations. He was nine years old at the time.. he's thirteen now. The pain is so tremendous.. so intense.. it has never gone away. The first two years I had nightmares, cried night & day, couldn't eat, sleep or talk to anyone, or even look in a mirror at myself, I couldn't go out in public or watch tv because i would see children with their families, and missed my child so bad I would have panic attacks. I couldn't breath the pain was so intense. I was alone and I stayed in my bedroom for two years.. I wanted to die so the pain would stop. It's torture to have your child taken away.. to be told he is better off without you.. to be accused of terrible things and not be given a chance to defend yourself against said things.. I was not even allowed to say good bye to him. My son is my heart and soul.. if I was given a choice between having my son or having my legs or any other part of my body.. I would chose my son and live the rest of my life happy without my legs. They didn't give me a choice.. they took my heart and soul, happiness and dignity. There is no pain reliever, ante depressant or sleeping pill that will even come close to helping. I have tried.. that's what people told me to do. I still cry.. I'm crying right now. My heart goes out to all the families that have gone through the same torture. Until today I didn't know there were so many other people going through the same thing. I have always felt very alone, helpless and hopeless.

[Daruma]

I'm very sorry for all you've been through. It must be incredibly painful. There are other moms on this forum who also were never allowed to say good-bye, and it's like they have a raw wound that just won't heal.

Your son is 13 now, old enough that he may start looking for answers to his questions. Do you have a blog or Facebook page where you can be found? There are a number of adoptees who've found their natural parents through the Internet. This is one small way you can start to take back the part of your life they ripped away from you: making it easy for him to find you if he ever comes looking.

Cry as much as you need to. Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't cry. But, dear lady, are you taking good care of yourself? Are you keeping yourself strong physically? Are you spending time doing things that lift your spirits (at least a little bit)? Do you have a close friend, relative, or religious counselor you can confide in? You'll want to be as healthy and whole as possible on the day he finally makes contact, for his sake, and for your own sake.

[Beatthescammers]

Holly,
There are many people on this site that have established contact with their kids that were kidnapped by CPS by using Facebook. Please set up a Facebook page as suggested above with a message welcoming your son to contact you. Even if he doesn't own a computer, his friends will or they will have a smart phone that can access the internet.

I read a true story about a child who was kidnapped in Missouri. The kidnapper held this child for many years and convinced the child that his parents forgot about him, but the child didn't forget his parents. When this child learned to use the computer, he immediately began to visit the internet sites that his parents had established to find him. He is now reunited with his family. Your son will look for you too.

I am sending you a hug through the internet. (hug)

[Morning-song]

Hi,

I'm not sure exactly what I can and should say, but I'll try anyway. I had my son back in 2000. Seven months later my case, which had started the day he was born came to an end, came to an end. I saw him for the last time on his first birthday. I was invited to his party. I course I brought him his presents and we had fun. I suppose that was sort of out goodby, though he was too little to really get it, or to remember me. I can't imagine not being able to say goodbye at all. In any case though it's been a difficult ten years. I can relate to your feelings entirely. This sounds horrible of course, and i know that but there have been several times in the past years, I've thought it horrible that when they came into my hospital room and said they were not letting me take my newborn home and start my life as a parent, they didn't just decide to kill me too. I have no idea if they have no idea how much harm they are actually doing, if just they just don't care, but they really are ripping the hearts right out of people's chests and them just expecting us to go right on living like normal. Personally I think that many of those workers are quite brainwashed into honestly thinking they are truly helping people and that mothers will just forget, or that we were all actually in the wrong, and will learn from our punishment.

As for the medication, you will get different opinions on this, but personally I say don't even bother again with it. Those sorts of things are meant for either depression or psychotic issues, not grief. And then of course they have so many terrible side effects. Therefore all anyone trying to use them for this sort of a case is doing is doping them self into oblivion on pills that make you half dead with exhaustion, only to find yourself still able to remember. Now if there was something that could erase memories that might be a start but of course there isn't. I tried the pill thing years ago for unrelated reasons. I actually did nothing for any of it including my own lost child. It only caused a fake feeling of happiness out of a bottle.

All you can do four years later, or ten years later, or how ever many years, is get the word out to as many people as you can any way you can. The only way we can ever stop this from happening to so many others is to get it to the point where it's common knowledge among the common people our our countries. It has to stop somewhere. While this is certainly not something you;ll hear when you turn on the tv at night, CPS, at the worst of it, is costing people their lives. If you starting getting into internet research it's easy to find that people have died over this. If there's anything positive that has even come of grief, it's that in this sort of case, it can fuel anger and that anger can fuel action. there are so many more people in the same situation that it;s easy to think at first. How can we imagine a government would turn on it's own people. I can understand your surprise at finding more of us. All I can really say is best of luck to you and use that anger and grief in come way or other. All of us have our own uses for it, and our own callings within the little network here. Find yours! Never let anyone tell you it was your fault. If anyone does just say right to their faces that they don't understand because they've never bothered to look into anything of it.

[noroses4u2c]

Meds don't help with grief. Plus, if you cling to drugs to deal with the grief, how can you truly heal?

Yes, set up facebook so that he may find you one day.

These people are monsters. No compassionate human being could do the things that they do to families every day.

I wish I could give you a hug. I know that it doesn't help much though.

Most people here have lost their children in the same way. My girl is being sent away next week. I don't know that I'll ever see her again.

These people are evil. There is no decency in them.

You are not alone. Hang out here with us. We really do know your pain. Your pain is ours. We feel it every day.

[LindaJM]

Besides facebook - I also recommend setting up a blog. You could write everything you feel about what you went through. Use your son's name a lot in your writings because he will be likely to find it one of these days. You are lucky he was nine - because he remembers you and his name. Children taken when they are younger may have no memories of their true parents at all. You can set up your blog to post to facebook every time you make a post. The blogging will help you heal.

How to live with grief - I can tell you, I did so for a long time. I lost custody of my two older daughters and their father did everything he could to keep me from even being able to see them. Then they were brainwashed and turned against me by his girlfriend. . to the point where now, many years later, the younger of the two still won't talk to me at all. She doesn't even know me but has been trained to believe I'm bad. That's called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

I tell you this because I want to tell you how I've handled that grief. At some point when my daughters were still both teens and separated from me I finally realized that all the anger and grief I was feeling was only hurting me. Nobody else cared. My ex didn't care how much grief he caused me. His gf didn't care. The kids didn't even care. My own mom didn't care and neither did my sister. They couldn't comprehend what I was feeling. The only one in pain was me, and that pain was hurting me in many ways. It can manifest as heart problems or in other physical ways. I developed high blood pressure and gained weight.

I finally put everything in God's hands and detached myself from the grief. I can say the relief was sudden and unexpected. I was still sad and distressed about everything but I didn't let it consume me anymore. Later when my older daughter turned 18 I contacted her and she eventually realized she had been brainwashed, and now we communicate regularly with a normal mother-daughter relationship. But the younger of the two still hates me! I've been on a roller coaster of emotions because of that... but for the most part now just accept that she's made that decision, that there's nothing I can do about it other than to pray, and that if the answer is "no" then I can be happy doing other things with my life now.

I hope this helps. Grief is torture. CPS is torture... and you have been severely traumatized. Writing about what you've been through will probably help. I journaled for many years about my feelings. However in your case a blog would be better because then perhaps your son will see it and know how much he's been loved by you all this time.