I am a foster mother

[WhiteGirlFromSouthOmaha]

This one's for Heatheranne.

My daughter, Deirdre, is in foster care right now. NOT what I'm about to complain about (although I have every right to).

My question is: why won't her foster parents talk to me? I don't understand at all.

I really, truly love my daughter. I would truly die for her in a heartbeat, without being asked.

When Deirdre got moved from her last foster home to this one, I wrote Christina (her new foster mom) a note, inviting her to either call me or write me an email. Gave her my phone number and my email address and I ended the note with, "I can't wait for us to get to know each other because we both have the same thing in our hearts: what's best for my baby."

I never, ever heard from her.

What's worse is this: I was having overnight visits with my daughter from January until June 7 (long story). When the weather got warm, I noticed a change in the clothes that Christina was sending with Deirdre: they were what my friend Tamy and me would refer to as "welfare clothes."

Now I asked everyone I knew, why would Christina dress my daughter like a street urchin when she's supposed to visit with me and have her nicely dressed the rest of the time? My dad and sister both said, "Maybe Christina's afraid you won't return the clothes she sends if they're nice." But that cannot be it, because I always sent everything back, freshly washed, right out of the dryer.

I know Christina talks to my sister. Why won't she talk to me? You have no idea how unbelieveably sad that makes me. I don't want to be mean to her, put her down, yell at her, or anything like that, I just want to get to know her is all, but she won't talk to me.

If you want details about how my case has went since Day 1, go to http://members.aol.com/intendantaislinn/cps/timeline.htm - The Timeline Of My Case.

Thanks All, and especially Heatheranne

[dawnikins]

I too am a foster mom. I came upon this sight by accident about a year ago. I decided to stay because I wanted to get the birth parents perspective. You know to put my self in the other persons shoes.
Over the last year I have been glued to this sight and have felt your frustrations.
I have four children of my own. Three are adult. But when I was raising them as as a teenage mom I was always worried DFS would get a cross wire and take my children. Thank God they never did. But the fear is there for many parents. No One is Above DFS. And as has been said here many times it only takes a couple of calls(true or not).
Anyway,,in answer to your question why won't foster mom talk to you. It could be the same as Heather Anne has been experincing here. Being judged by past experiences. Maybe the foster mom has been accused by past bitrth moms of saying the wrong thing, dressing the child wrong ect.
I certinly have had my fair share of accusations and complaints. And every time I have to answer to the case worker, a Family Resourse Specialist, or Even a DFS superviser.
Usualy its just petty stuff and I do understand I am not always going to do everything the way "birth Mom" thinks I should. And it can be difficult not to take it personally. But I do love their child and I make sure they are well taken care of until the go home. Any way, for the most part, I have had good relationships with birth parents and have even kept in touch with many of them. (after they were reunited with their children)
My sister in law's nephew was in Foster Care for ten years. Over 16 foster homes. He aged out a couple of years ago. He is damaged because of the system that was supposed to help him.
He believes it would have been better to stay with his mom and her problems than to live the way he did. I am not sure.
It is not a perfect system. But some kids do need a safe haven. Foster parents provide that.
And we don't get paid per say. We do get compensated,.. in arears and often quite late.
Its true some foster parents live of the compensation payments, by misusing the money. But We Do Not! We provide very well for out foster children. My husband has a good job. We don't need to "live off children". (I have seen it and it is repugnant)
Over the years we have had 28 foster children most under five years old. I love them and I greive when they leave. But I honost to God believe they belong with their parents if at all possible or at least family.
I have been too affraid to post in the past, because some have been quite mean in their comments.
I just felt I should speek up and not "Lurk".

[lostintranslation]

This is to all the foster parents reading this thread.

I, for one, don't have anything against what you do. I think everyone on this site has admitted that CPS needs to exist and with that so do foster homes. It's the reform we are all seeking and higher standards put on foster homes and the like. I will not personally attack anyone here because each case/foster parent/etc is unique.

I hope that the nice picture that is being painted by the foster parents here is true. I really hope you do care for the children in your care like you do. It's great to think that the poor kids are being taken care of and loved when their parents can't take care of them properly.

I do have a couple questions though.

1. Please tell us what it feels like to you when a child you have loved, cared for and nurtured is reunited with their family?

2. Describe the mentoring that a few of the foster parents have mentioned. I want to know why the foster parents way of doing things is held in higher standard than what the family was doing before the child was taken into care.

There is so much more that I want to know but will limit my questions, for now, to those two. I hope that no one feels that I am attacking them personally because I am not.

[dawnikins]

I have had many children go home to their birth parents. Some of the parents I have known. Some I have not.
Every situation has its own circumstances. Like how long we had them with us.
I can think of one little darling I had for nine months. He took his first steps here, I spent many long nights watching him sleep making sure his asthma didn't flare up. I love him so much.
He went home to his mom and dad. We kept in touch for almost a year. They let me see him when I wanted I even went to the hospital when his baby brother was born. I babysat both of them when the baby was newborn.
The day I took him home for good I was packing his toys into a box and I just broke down crying. I loved his parents they were so sweet and loving with him. But I new I would miss him.
He belonged with his parents and he wanted to be with them.
All of the children want to be with their real parents.
I can't really express my feelings to you the way I want to. I love these little ones and want what is best for them.
Some times when they go home I do worry (what if...............) I don't know all the information the workers know(positive or negative) so I do sometimes fear for them.
I always miss them. But for the most part I have good relationships with the parents. That realy put my mind and heart at ease. They are safe and loved.

[smofield]

I wont to ask the foster parents on here DO YOU TRY TO TURN THE CHILDREN AGAINST THEIR PARENTS AND FEEL THEIR HEADS FULL OF LIES AND MAKE THEM CALL YOU MOM AND DAD OR MA AND PA. This is what the foster mother of ONE MONTH did with my five children that were took over lies. They told my children that we did not love them we did not wont them that we abused them that we were going to move and not tell them or get them. I was suppose to have a nightly phone call from the children and talk to all five of them. All I got was two or three calls on my cell phone (that were suppose to be on my home phone with the phone card provided) that lasted five minutes with only my oldest son. When we got overnight visitations the foster mother would exaim the children from head to toe when i took them back frowning the entire time. And we never got all their clothes back that we sent to them or my daughters glasses or my son's game boy. Now where is the family safe haven you have described in your posts. my children went through hell with these people. plus they never watched them they shoved my children off on the YMCA during the day for 12 hours a day (all but the youngest two who went to daycare) and then they made the oldest two work but the youngest three got to do what they please and all five were in ONE ROOM TOGETHER this is boys and girls. that does not follow DCS policy. so I ask why should I believe that foster parents are looking out for the best interest of the children they are looking out for the money they get from the state to keep these children but not use the money on the children. And if the children are disablied oh lord they love that because they get that money plus child support for those children double money. isn't that interesting.

[WhiteGirlFromSouthOmaha]

And we don't get paid per say. We do get compensated,.. in arears and often quite late.

My sister, who talks with Deirdre's foster mother, Christina, told me that Christina gets $900 a month just to take care of Deirdre. What the Hell is she spending that money on, anyway? I know she's a stay-at-home-mom, my caseworker told me so. That means that her husband, Gavin, makes enough money for her to be able to stay home and raise not only their own kids (they have 2 of their own besides my baby) but they also take in foster kids. I also know that they live in West Omaha (where houses are huge and cost in the $250k range, and that's the low end).

I live in federally-subsidized housing because I'm on SSI and I get only $603 a month to cover all my bills, plus feed and clothe myself.

When I had Deirdre basically four days a week, I was expected to also feed her three meals a day.

I'll put it to you this way, since this should illustrate how bad off I am better than if I quoted dollar amounts to you: I'm an insulin-dependent diabetic. The bulk of my diet is Chicken ramen noodles. I can get a crate of 24 packages of Ramen for $2.64 total. I usually buy four crates at a time. Every month.

Do you think I was feeding my own daughter Ramen noodles three times a day? If you believe that, you're delusional.

It's evil, unfair and I hate it.

[momomma]

I know this is an old post, but I came across it and wanted to comment on it. This is my opinion and answers to why some things happen or are done a certain way.

Several quotes here from different posters:

I don't know why the Foster gets to see the records, but I can understand it would be for Medical History, but anything more personal than that should be sealed.

When you take in someone else's child you have no idea what they have been through or what kind of behaviors they will display. It helps us to help them if we understand what they have been through. I had a girl here one time who refused to sleep in pajamas. She also wasn't much of a talker. Having read her file, I understood she had allegedly been sexually abused, at night, in her bed..and that is WHY she didn't want to sleep in pajamas. Had I not read this file I would have had no indication and might have tried to insist on pajamas when that would have terrified her even more.

Because we all have Parental Instinct, a Mother Instinct if you will, to protect our Children at all costs.

Unfortunately not ALL parents have this instinct...otherwise we wouldn't have kids being raped, beaten, and thrown away in trash cans...by parents and by fosters.

now by reading these posts, this foster mother is going to these parents court hearings? reading thier birth records? im sorry to have to say this, but she seems a little too involved to me. she says she wants the child back with the parents..

They do encourage us to attend any and all hearings. I don't really see how people expect us to really care for these children with everything we have and not know the full story. Especially the ones who think (and I'm not saying they don't) that CPS is lying to us about bios. What better way to be informed and know the parents than attending these meetings??

a foster parents job is to take care of the child that has been placed with them. period. that is what they are paid for. it is NOT the foster parents job to keep tabs on the progress of the parents. im sorry but to be as involved as you are with these parents progress, they is something suspect about that.

Nothing infuriates a good foster parent more than for people to assume we do this for the money. In Missouri we get approximately $10 per day per child. Daycares/babysitters get more than that and we do this 24/7. Now I am not saying there aren't some homes that do foster for the money, I would be suspect of any home with several foster children in it..it's hard to care for more than 1 child with emotional problems at a time and do it right. Parents can't have it both ways..you want us to not take CPS's word for it, but then you don't want us in your business?

[momomma]

Continued from above post:

do have a couple questions though.

1. Please tell us what it feels like to you when a child you have loved, cared for and nurtured is reunited with their family?

2. Describe the mentoring that a few of the foster parents have mentioned. I want to know why the foster parents way of doing things is held in higher standard than what the family was doing before the child was taken into care.

What it feels like to have a child reunited depends entirely on the situation. How long the child has been with you, their ages, how you feel about them going home...etc.

I have two boys with me now who are being reunited with a family member. I have had these boys for 8 months. It's ripping my heart out to lose them. When J came to me in May he was 2. He was violent, couldn't speak well, didn't use eating utensils, had nightmares, etc. Now I know alot of his emotional problems came from being moved around because this wasn't his first time in care. His mom is not 21 yet and has 4 kids all under the age of 4. She has a drug history, and her mother has a drug history and is currently on probation for drug offenses. In the 8 months J has been here he is completely potty trained, eats with table manners, talks in sentences, sleeps through the night, and is a very loving child. T (J's brother) was in even worse shape and has had to be medicated for hallucinations, rages, and oppositional disorder. I make sure these boys get their counseling every week, get to their dr appts, (3 different dr)..I even drive the distance so the boys have the same dr.
(This goes to how we want to "mentor" them)
I had high hopes for mom. I wanted to work side by side with her and help HER become a responsible parent, without judging her. She's repeatedly missed visits, refused her counseling, and failed UA's. I was willing to open my home so that she could do visits here instead of an hour in a DFS office. I was willing to pick her up and take her with us to all the boys's dr appts. I wanted to help her get her kids back. She is not ready for that, so her Dad is taking the boys. I worry about how this single man, with no experience with little children will handle three boys with behavorial issues, BUT I still want this family to have a happy ending, even though it means I'm going to miss them terribly.

[momomma]

continued:

I wont to ask the foster parents on here DO YOU TRY TO TURN THE CHILDREN AGAINST THEIR PARENTS AND FEEL THEIR HEADS FULL OF LIES AND MAKE THEM CALL YOU MOM AND DAD OR MA AND PA.

Unfortunately like parents in nasty custody disputes, there are foster parents who will speak badly of the parents in front of the children. Just like every other abuse committed against these children, I feel this is deplorable. I would never speak badly about anyone's parents to them. Nor would I try to "turn" them against their parents and anyone who is truly caring of kids would not resort to this.

I do not make foster children call me anything. Most of the ones I've had have been very young and start calling me "mom" without even thinking about it. I have two children of my own, they hear it, they repeat it. I'm certainly not going to tell them they can't call me "mom", but I do always talk about their mom and they do know the difference.


I realize there are parents out there who have been wrongly accused of abusing their children, or been accused of something that SOMEONE else deems abuse..and that's wrong.

It's also wrong to assume foster parents are out to "get your kids", "make money" or "undermine your abilities" EACH case is different. EACH family is different. We cannot continue to fight amongst ourselves and hope to get anything positive accomplished.

There ARE bad parents. There ARE bad foster parents. The media really does a disservice to fosters/parents as a whole because you don't HEAR about good foster parents, or parent who had their kids wrongly removed...you only hear when it's bad and that sets the tone for how we interact with each other. I think it's important that we look at each case individually and realize their are circumstances that most of the time we are not aware of. If fosters and parents would work together instead of seeing each other as the enemy we could get alot more accomplished and in the end it would be the children who would benefit, and isn't that who it's supposed to be about??



I think it's also important to realize we (fosters) don't WORK for CPS..we WORK for children and families. If you listen to alot of foster parents we are just as frustrated with the system as some of you. And just like we have no idea what you have gone through unless we've walked in your shoes, neither do you.

[good dad]

Good points and well said momomma

[fightingfor3]

Yes, thank you for always sharing your perspective. I just met the foster caretaker of my children this week. It was so difficult. You have natural instincts and curiosities here was this woman sitting across from me telling me things about MY children and how and what I should do with them, and what they have done with them. There were times I felt ill to my stomach. You want to yell, no kidding, lady, I know my kids, who the hell are you to tell me anything about them! I cry just writing this. I know it's not her. I know that she cares about my children and wants to protect them, but it hurts to no end. I know that she feels just as awkward as I do at times and has as many questions. It stings when she tells me she cares about my children.

It's the system. By time you get to the point of meeting them, you have no idea who to trust anymore. The fosters put input in if they are involved, but usually based on what they have been told. And yes it is difficult. Here are these strangers who have your children, and they get to be treated with dignity and respect, often get more rights and information to things than we do, and not only are our children ripped from us people are invited to enter in and (what feels like) trample on our privacy, and maybe even be judgmental. If anyone ever stopped just to answer simple questions like, what are your intentions with my children, what are your rules at your house, what do you do for fun, do you practice a certain religion? Anything. There might be less tension.

I know that most people that get into foster care actually do care. As for money, I think the anger comes because it's @$$ backwards. Why not put forth the money to keep the kids in their natural homes? Momomma, you say $10/day, that's $300 a month per kid. Some make twice, three times that. Some fosters have 5 kids in their home. I work full time that's it, I don't get support, if I was to go on welfare for all three of my children I would only get $389/month (here), if I work and am on welfare they deduct dollar for dollar. I understand that you are doing a wonderful job and should be rewarded with the little means and pay that you are to take good care of the children that need care, but don't parents deserve the same, especially if it means that all this trauma could be avoided?

You know, I personally don't blame the parents that gave up. This experience has taken strength that I couldn't see many people having, especially if there was something missing from their life previously. The system is created not to build people up and to help them, but to break them down at every moment. It's in the design. It's demoralizing, belittling, and simply abusive.

[momomma]

Thank you GoodDad.


Fightingfor3,

I cannot even imagine how difficult that must have been for you. I know it would be hard for me to hear someone else telling me about MY kids. I try to keep that in mind when I am talking to the parents. I'm struggling with that right now as I try to write a letter to my foster sons' grandpa. I don't want to come off like I'm telling him what to do, just want to give him some insight as to how the boys have been the last eight months and what their routine has been like to hopefully make the transition easier on all of them.

I personally LOVE when parents ask me questions and feel it should be encouraged. I think it helps ease their minds when they know their kids routines in a different home.

I don't know about other areas, and I know it's not the same in all cases, but I have seen many cases where they actually DO try to keep the kids in the home by offering services for the family. Some, for whatever reason, aren't able to or refuse, and that's generally when the children that I have come into contact with have been removed.

Let's see I've had 12-15 kids over a period of time.
One set of siblings (2) was removed over the weekend because an aunt who had them was allowing contact with an alleged abuser (history with DFS) so she didn't really get a chance because she knew the kids were not to be around this person. After a meeting and a evaluation of the situation the kids did go back to the aunt.

I had another set of siblings (4) that were removed and placed with me as an emergency placement because their were drugs being dealt out of the home. They left to go with grandma after 5 days.

I had a set of siblings (2) that were placed with me because both parents were in jail and no family to take them in. They were driving while intoxicated and had a car accident, with none of the kids restrained the police immediately took them to jail. Now they had another sister who was placed in a different home who supposedly told the foster parents that she was "abused" by dad, so there was a hotline and the kids did have to stay in care for about a month until it was investigated, and the parents went to court over the accident.

The two I have now have been in care for a year, after they were removed the first time, mom was able to get them back within a month, but then failed to do the services they offered her in the home..instead she ran off with the boys while they were still legally in custody. So they removed them again and she is going to court over parental kidnapping.

So far I've been lucky and have worked with some good caseworkers and parents. This mom of the boys I have now isn't doing so well and I don't expect she is trying much anymore because her Dad is taking them and she is so young and right now that's where her priorities are. Hopefully that will change and her and her children can be reunited.

If anyone ever stopped just to answer simple questions like, what are your intentions with my children, what are your rules at your

You are so right about this, and it works both ways.