New Here! What do you guys think about this?

[mommieX2]

Hi all,

First off, after reading alot of your stories, I am so terribly sorry for all that you are going through. I had no idea that DSS was so crooked, I wish I had. I am one for fighting for the right thing. There must be something we can do, someone to contact. Light must be shed on this huge problem!

Here is my story:
In January, I ended a 5 year marriage (9 yr relationship). It was abusive, and I never even knew it. When we split, he became violent, broke things in the house, called me a who*e, at least 30 times, all in front of our kids. He even said, "your mother is a who#@." to my 4 year old. I begged him to stop and stay calm for their sakes, but he just didnt care. He said that he would make my life he*.. And so far, this is what it has been. A judge granted me a domestic violence protective order, which he has already violated and been arrested for. But since then, he has stayed away--thanfully.
He has been fighting for full custody (just to hurt me and remain in control--he has issues with controling me as well) and brought a new girlfriend into the picture immediately. She takes care of my kids when he has visitation (every other weekend & every Wed night) She's in her 30's, single, no kids. It truely is my belief that she wants him to have custody so she can take over as mommy. Knowing my girls for a few months, and already telling them that she is their new stepmother, and they can call her mommy now. We are in NC, and can't divorce for a year, so they aren't married.
Now we have the custody trial approaching. I know there is no way he will win---I am a great mother, and with his history of violence (going for court ordered anger management therapy) he can't win....not to mention that he can't even take care of them without his girlfriend there. My 4 yr old walks up to me one day giggling and pokes me in the crotch. I told her "hey! you don't do that!" She says, "well, I do that to daddy". "What do you mean?" "And, he does that to me. It's our new way of wrestling" I ask her to show me, and it was exactly as I was afraid of. She even showed me how he tells her to touch herself. So, I do what any good mother would do, despite how bad it would look since the custody hearing is about to come up, and I report it to DSS. Wish I never did that, and just tried to use his violence and emotional abuse (tells them "I love you more than mommy" etc. He is very childish and only hurting my girls) to keep him away from my girls instead of bothering to report the sex abuse.
At first, they said they wouldn't investigate. I was on the phone w/the intake worker for over 20 mins, and my report was not "specific" and they said it was short. How could that be with my talking for over 20 minutes? Anyways, I contacted all the powers that be, and they agreed that they should look into it. I was pleased...if only I could turn back time!!!!!
Well, my daughter implicated that her father did in fact do something (they won't tell me what) but also that I did! I don't know why in the world she said I did something, but now I have ended up needing "supervision" at all times w/my kids!!!! I am the one that reported it! I did all they asked, had family w/me at all times, and weeks later, nothing has progressed. Medical exam came back clean, so now we are waiting for the psyc approval to go for that. My social worker is 20 years old and brand new to boot. I have asked for them to reinterview my daughter, get someone w/more experience, etc. ANYTHING....I am innocent!
All the guy there does is talk down to me and even has made inappropriate comments. "You have no close girlfriends nearby that can stay with you, but you already have a boyfriend?"
What about my ex that has a woman living w/him right off the bat? At least I waited to slowly introduce him, the correct way, to my children! I truely believe that he is a male chauvent pig.
Anyways, I am at wits end. I am emotionally drained, stressed, missing lots of work, and everyone knows that I am being accused of molesting my own children. All the teachers look at me funny when I drop off my kids.
It is an outrage, not to mention asssenine. I want to take legal action against them! This is harassment, slander, and causing me emotional damage. My girls have to miss out on alot. I can't take them out myself. My oldest had to miss her final ballet party, I have to cancel their swimming lessons, etc. My ex even had this old lady go to my girls recital and try to snatch my oldest when they said "parents come and get your kids". He can't be near me, because of the prot. order, and wasn't going to even let her say bye to me, or change out of her costume & slippers. Just sent some old crazy haired lady he works with to snatch her before I could get her to change. It was his weekend w/her, I had no intention of doing anything other than was agreed upon. Change her and deliver her back to him and his girlfriend in the parking lot after her recital was over.
My daughter was screaming and crying. I of course, made sure she came w/me to change before going to her dad's, but this really upset her and ruined her recital day.
DSS just said, "Oh, I'll make a note of that". The things that are really damaging they aren't doing anything about, and then tie my hands back when I am the only one who can protect them and provide them with any normalcy.
Anyone have any advice on what I can do? I have threatened them with going to media, etc.
I mean, my ex is violent, he has the M.O of a sex abuser. He used to kick my dog all the time. My dog would urinate on the floor when he would look at him since he was so scared. He shot the neighbors dog w/a bb gun because it was in our yard. I had to join a womans gym so I wouldn't be around men, wasn't allowed to go out w/my friends etc. He says rotten things to my girls when they are with him, and tries to turn them against me. He has made my 4 year old feel guilty for loving her mother.
He threatened to burn my house down and that I was not on his "hit list" because I didn't want to continue the marriage. DSS doesn't seem to care!
They just refuse to do anything to restore my parental rights, and yet, he continues to hurt them. He has to be "supervised' by his girlfriend, but who knows if he really is. She doesn't believe he would do any of this, and is has been saying to my daughter, "your mother is telling you to lie, isn't she?" I wouldn't EVER put my girls through anything this traumatic! I am not selfish like they are, I would throw myself in front of a bus before I would let anything happen to my girls!

Please Help!

[good dad]

Hi welcome to the site...

They just refuse to do anything to restore my parental rights,

From what you said you still have your parental rights..

Has there been any court hearings by CPS yet?

[mommieX2]

No, nothing in court yet. We are sitting on waiting for the paperwork to come in approved from the state of NC to have the psych test done.
I still have custody of my kids, and their father still has his visitation-as court ordered. However, I can't do anything without having someone there to "supervise", (same w/him, which is a good thing) and this has become very tricky. It's hard to find people that can just pick up their lives and sleep on my childrens floor at night. He has a girlfriend to do it, but I don't have that, nor would I want to subject my child to that.
Especially when I have done nothing wrong! I am the one that reported it for crying out loud, and it kills me to sit at a table of people that are looking at me like I would harm my own child. I cannot see how there is nothing they can do to fix this huge mistake.
My attorney is filing a "discovery" so that CPS can discuss things w/her and my ex-s attorney.

I consider my parental rights to include being able to take my child to a movie, the zoo or to church on Sunday. Since my "supervise" person doesn't go, I can't either.

[good dad]

What CPS says isn't law...They only provide recommendations.

You needed do anything CPS says until it is court ordered by a judge.

A couple links to check out:

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/cpscourtorder.php

http://www.fightcps.com/articles/whattodo.html

[mommieX2]

Wow!
I wish my lawyer would of told me this. I just emailed her that site you sent me to . Thank you so much!
Now, I signed and my aunt (supervision person) signed something with the allegations on it stating that basically I would not be unsupervised with my girls because it is "unsafe". How binding is that? What if I refuse to have her stay with me? Technically, they have no real way of catching me, right? They cannot come into my home if I don't open the door. If my daughter would tell them that I wasn't supervised, but I deny it and say I was, they have nothing.

It is horrible, because I really do believe that my ex-husband did something to them, but at this point if they are trying to pin it on him AND me, then I would need this investigation to end now, and hope that he won't be doing anything to them again. And I would better inform my daughters of appropriate touching.
Better off with my having custody and him limited visitation (which is what he'll end up with) than my girls ending up in foster care! That is absurd! I was considreing becoming a foster parent later on down the road when my girls were older. Now, I am not so sure. I wouldn't want to become part of this great injustice. I am sure that there are some families that deserve their kids be taken, but good people like me? It just doesn't make sense.

[Momoffor]

Wow!
If my daughter would tell them that I wasn't supervised, but I deny it and say I was, they have nothing.

If your daguther said that you had pink elephants hiding in your garage that do naughty things at night, they would believe her, because 'children dont lie' (Unless a child is accusing CPS or a foster home of abuse, then CPS digs out they are fabricating stories).

Dont make your case worse by lying. You will just be opening yourself up for MUCH MUCH more of a nightmare.

[Frustrated]

I was told that Children that tell stories of Hansel and Gretel has a hidden agenda behind Children's Fears and CPS believes that they are abused by their Parents if the Child tells stories out of Hansel n Gretel, but the funny thing that they had learned all of this in School the day before!

Regardless of that story, CPS BELIEVED the Child's story that she was abused.

and remember my Son's pathatlogical Lying (one of the symptoms from O.D.D. Oppositional Defiant Disorder) he lies Alot and CPS believes him anyway.

Pathetic.

I agree we should not SAY ANYTHING to aggravate the Case. We shouldn't lie about circumstances to protect the Children. The BEST DEFENSE IS TO SAY NOTHING!

It is hard to tell smaller Children not to say lies...but older Kids knows better and they are educated to protect their Rights.

The scary part is the fact that CPS BELIEVES ANYTHING A CHILD TELLS THEM!

[mommieX2]

I had never heard of ODD before, so I just looked it up.

My daughter is like that sometimes.
It's an ongoing joke to family & friends how argumentative she is, especially for her age. I keep saying that she'll be a lawyer some day since she just loves to argue and tell everyone that they are wrong and she is right. Perhaps there is more to it, or maybe its just be the divorce that is bothering her? She is normally such a loving and snuggly little girl, but she is 4 going on 14! Sometimes though, she's a serious discipline problem. She laughs at me and runs when I try to put her in a time out.

Even though I wasn't supposed to discuss the case, I just had to ask my daughter why she told them that I did those things. She just looked at me, sheepishly, and shrugged her shoulders.
I don't know if she made it up, they led her (even though they say they don't do that), or she figured that if she said I did it, then it would make all of what daddy has done OK. I have no clue, all I know is that I am sick of being falsley accused and I want it over with. I want my freedom with my girls back!
The ugly divorce, selling my house and moving, and getting used to being a single mom is enough to be dealing with, never mind throwing this into the mix.

[lynn5067]

watch about when she turns about 12 everything changes and gets a whole lot worse
my daughter at a young age always acted older, smarter and responsible but as soon as she hit 12 she started acting like a 5 year old
she's not responsible anymore wont be responsible even for the things she knows she has done wrong its always someone else's fault

[mommieX2]

I am both looking forward to it (hopefully it will clear things up) and dreading it! I am nervous that yet again the truth won't come out as I have lost faith in the system!
Any advice for me?

[lynn5067]

i am new as well they took my daughter 6 weeks ago
but frustrated is awesome at giving really good advice
i really hope things work out for you as well as for everyone else
cps is out of control somebody really needs to step in and put them back in their place

[good dad]

Look at your state statutes/codes for Interviewing children, some states require video taping child interviews

[pamom2crew]

I don't know if she made it up, they led her (even though they say they don't do that)


Have you ever been in those interviews? I have, between the sexual abuse doctor ones, and the cps ones....the way they say things to the kids is with many innuendos to help their imaginations.

[Frustrated]

Yeah, Leading and Suggestive Questions.

They were not supposed to do that according to the Sex Abuse Website.

http://www.casat.org or www.casat.com which one I don't know, but check it out, it states that interviewers are not supposed to repeat and ask leading questions. They are supposed to ALLOW the Child to IDENTIFY the abuser/maltreator. They are NOT supposed to name the accused. Only the Child answers.

[pamom2crew]

They are NOT supposed to name the accused. Only the Child answers.

That they did not do...but they did ask many of the same questions over and over...and in many different ways to confuse my daughter.
I actually have an entire interview, when i find it, i will type it for you...I have it in a file somewhere.

[dasuberding]

The rewording of the same questions is an old CPS trick. If the goons implied anything, as in putting stuff into her head, they are in big trouble if you decide to take them to a higher court. The federal courts know of all the dirty tricks CPS use and will take your word over their's anyday.

[pamom2crew]

Ok..I found it...I will only say parts of the interview, and I'm not listing names for confidentiality. I will use the letter A for what my daughter said. I think there are parts of the interview missing , because this isn't everything.
Dr. asked who lives in house and where everyone sleeps. Dr. said its her job to make sure kids are healthy and safe.
They discussed the whole private part thing, and why they are private.... Dr says...who gives u a bath at mommys house? A says mommy.
Dr..who gives u a bath at daddys house? A says...daddy takes showers with me.
Dr says...who washes u? A says..daddy washes me all over with a washcloth.
Dr says...do you wash daddy? A says..no.
Dr says...did u see daddys peepee in the shower? A says...yes.
Dr says...was it sticking up or down? A says...straight out.
Dr says...did he ask u to wash it? A says...no.
Dr. says...tell me about kisses. Where would u kiss someone? A says...on the cheek, but pointed to the private part on the anatomically correct dolls, and said not here, or here.
Dr says..what does daddy know? A says...he told me i didn't really touch it.
Dr says...what else did daddy tell you? A says...daddy told me not to talk about it.
Dr says...daddy told u not to talk about it? A says..yes.
Dr says..where were u? A says...in his house. Dr says..where? A says...in the livingroom.
A says daddy said not to talk about the bad stuff.
Dr says..do u have a secret with daddy? A says...no.
Anyway...the interview is much longer than this, with many more details, and such...but because they are about my daughter, i don't want to post them.
But this just an example of a section of her interview. I was not in there, for this part, but it was closed circuit tv.
And for the physical exam...my daughter had a healing perineal laceration. Caused by blunt forced trauma to the perihymenial tissue.

[Frustrated]

I don't know if these are appopriate questions, but Casat Website has indicated that they are not suposed to name the accused into the questions, and allow the child to identify who did this to her...and also not allowed to repeat questions over and over...

Something they violated Questioning Procedures...


They should have asked:

"Did some one touch you down there?"

"Who did this to you?"

"Where did this happen?"

You see? No names identified and no repeated questions.

Did they allow your Daughter to identify the maltreator, or Abuser? If not, they violated protocol for questioning.

Putting stuff in her head over and over, Daddy this daddy that...repetitive questioning...

Could be that this interview will go out of the window because of named maltreator/abuser into the Questions and repeated questioning...Judge indidcated in the Website said they WILL THROW OUT INTERVIEWS IF IT IS REPEATED< AND IDENTIFIED THE ABUSER!

And the Video CANNOT BE STOPPED at any time...that's another thing mentioned on the Casat Website. IT will be NOT allowed in Court if the Video was altered, stopped, added, etc...etc...It has to be in its entireity. Same goes for Tape Recorders.

ANOTHER THING in the WEBSITE< THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE DOLLS!!!!

[pamom2crew]

Really? The tape recordings that they did in my home were paused, and restarted numerous times....and I'm not sure about the videotaping.
So, maybe that's why they didn't want to help me fight it anymore, because they screwed up the case so much, rather than it being my daughters age.
They never outright said "did daddy touch your private parts" in the beginning...they just asked a lot of questions over and over like the part of the interview that I posted.

[Frustrated]

Yes I am sure. I read the Sex Abuse Websites, and the procedures are supposed to be "in its entireity" without aid...without help...and no dolls....

No names into the Questions, allow the Child to identify the maltreator/abuser FIRST then introduce into the Questions afterwards...but the CHILD HAS TO IDENTIFY WHO DID THIS TO HER FIRST! The doctor or anybody CANNOT tell her it was HIM that did it...the Case will be NO GOOD!

And the Procedures states that the Judge will throw out a Case because it was repeative Questioning and he won't allow it. The Lawyers probably will tell the Judge that the Questionining was Repetitive and that Case will be thrown out all together.

YUP, they screw up the Case, BIG TIME!!!!

Did you read the Sex Abuse Website that I gave you? Did the link work?

[Frustrated]

I think it is this one:

http://www.casat.on.ca/handindx.htm

You will notice there are procedures on the left tab and Questioning Tab, on how to question a Sexual Abuse Victim "RIGHT".

[Greegor]

mommiex2:
Why did you agree to this supervision?
Why did you sign something and have
somebody else sign to watch you?
That sounds like a "stipulation", basically a "guilty plea".

Ask your attorney if that was a "stipulation".
Ask your attorney if they intend to CON you into
a "stipulation" at the last minute or if they
are going to provide you with "VIGOROUS REPRESENTATION".

Most will do the lazy easy thing which is to con
you into "stipulation" at the last minute before court.

They will make promises about how EASY and QUICKLY
you will get your kids back. I call this the "Judas act".

Most attorneys, paid or public pretender, don't
truly want to fight against a CPS agency in court.
Many will talk tough to YOU, then wimp out in court.

Signing things like that agreement is bad news.
What exactly does it say?
Tell me you at least got a copy of it!

Whose letter head?
What exactly does it say?

You might THINK you agreed to one thing, and
the legalese fine print might obligate you
for much more!

Don't break your apparent contract until you
consult more with the group here and your atty.
Yes, CPS tries to force you into stuff ILLEGALLY!
But you should never sign something like
that volunteering to be their puppet.

It sounds like you traded an abusive husband
telling you which way to do everything,
for an abusive AGENCY telling you which way
to do everything!

Your apparent lack of realization THEN,
but NOW suddenly realizing you were
abused, this will set you up for
FAILURE TO PROTECT, that is criminal!

Suddenly realizing you were ABUSED for
all of that time will not serve you well!

They'll say "How could you not know?"
and "If you didn't know then, how do
we know you won't have similar
mental lapses in the future in regard
to the children?".

Women who get abused and immediately run to
authorities at the first sign of abuse
have gotten their family torn up,
and they reacted to the very first sign!
(New York, Federal Judge masses of such cases)

Your apparent "mental blindness" will provide
the agency with EXACTLY what they need
to keep your kids away from you!

It sounds like you started out VERY keenly
aware that they would get worked up about
the domestic abuse "option" (as it's called on
a poster in a CPS office) but you failed to
realize how it might BACKFIRE on you!

This "sudden realization" of long term abuse
could be a CPS case all by itself!

I'm not saying you've made false accusations,
but I can tell you that there is a HUGE problem
with women seeing false accusations of domestic
abuse as a smart TACTIC in divorce/custody battles.
Some dumb women "sell" this scam to other
women talking at the laundromat, etc.

One poster in a CPS office touted the
"domestic abuse option" as a means for
women to resolve a LONG list of problems
most of which are NOT violence.

Domestic Violence is a violent act.
Domestic ABUSE is a much broader category
and includes what is basically a radical Feminist agenda.

Man tells you "we can't afford that dress"
and makes you take it back to store?
My Bipolar wife in 1994 spent the rent money
and technically I violated that one!

Don't you think a wife would raise heck
if the husband spent the rent money
on some guy toy?

In 1994 in the DV classes (Duluth method)
they were preaching HIS paycheck was
OURS but HER paycheck was HERS. They
caught too much flack and had to scrub
that one from the program.

CPS agencies seem to benefit funding wise
from false accusations of Domestic Violence
as well as false accusations of child abuse.

[Frustrated]

I agree with Greegor, I experienced Domestic Violence and had gotten away with my Children and moved away and there were no CPS Involvement at all from my Ex Husband. I did this on my own accord. Then LATER I met with new Partner of 7 years, they USED Domestic Violence from the FIRST against me, and wants to tear up with me because of that fact! CPS loves Domestic Violence to further their agendas...(once abused, would always be an abuser kind of things) and states the fact that if you witnessed the Abuse, and did nothing about it, they use that AGAINST YOU for "failure to protect!" They used that against me and I stated the fact that I left with my Children so there are no claims of "failure to protect". They can pull all kinds of B.S. with me, but they know they have hit a snag and went no where!!

Now they went onto something else and thinking of something to keep tabs on me one way to another! Little things like messy house, to recyling which they screamed Environmental neglect, to noise complaints (Kids were yelling and playing outside having fun!). They can use anything against you just to make a CASE out of you! Keep the Funds rolling, baby, yeahhh Oh Yeah...keep them flowing...(Making CPS go happy lucky getting money in their pockets!)

[mommieX2]

I went to the court because I was afraid for my life. My ex looked, and were acting, as if he had gone off the deep end, and you see it all the time on the news how just one thing can turn someone flippy. "go postal" is the term. Even my security company advised me to get the DVPO to protect myself.
So, when he threatened to burn my house down and shoot me, I beleived that he was certainly capable. If he couldn't have me, noone would- kind of a mentality.
So, the judge granted me the DVPO. They don't just give those things out here, you have to have good proof, and I did.
Domestic Violence isn't just being beaten. It is being threatened as to where you are scared for your life. Communicating threats, alone, was enough to have him arrested. But, I didn't. He was the father of my children and I didn't want to see him taken off to jail. I just wanted him to leave me alone.
Not just anyone can waltz into a court and get a DVPO. It is a court proceeding and must be founded.
He threatened me, the mother of his children, in FRONT of his children. I begged him to stop yelling, he just didn't care. I even called his father and asked him to please get his son to calm down, for the kids sake. He just sided with him...like father like son.
He was controlling.....I never realized it. I mistook his jealousy and control for love (I was 19 years old when we met) as alot of women do.
And, I do not go to a "laundromat" or live on Wisteria Lane. I am an Insurance Agent, a professional, now working, commuting, and raising two children and doing a great job all things considered. Especially with their father "messing" with their head trying to win them over, etc. Using childish tactics, and in the end it will only hurt my kids.
My attorney and another, (got a 2nd opinion) have advised me that the only thing to do is "cooperate" with DSS. That I want them on my side at the custody hearing.
I signed the form believing that if I didn't agree to be supervised, then they would just take them from me completely. Not to mention, I was distraught over what had just happened. I drove all the way to DSS crying, thinking of the horrible things they were going to tell me that my ex had done to my babies, then was thrown into the whole scenario myself. It is horrible having people looking down at your noses at you as if you would hurt your own child, expecially when you are doing everything in your power to keep them out of harms way. I have a security system for crying out loud, so that I can sleep at night knowing that my girls are safe.
So, I was never physically abused, but emotionally 'controlled' and threatened. He also admitted to me before that he raped a girl when he was "drunk and on cocaine". She was passed out at a party.
He is dangerous, and he is the quiet kind. He can remain calm to a point, the he just explodes. I have been one of the few to witness it. The police and a concerend passer byer saw it the day he violated the DVPO and was arrested. When the police showed up, he was standing right next to me, yelling at me with our kids in tow. The woman in the parking lot was afraid for me and my kids, she called 9-1-1. So, I am not "using" any of this.....I am stating the facts that he is DANGEROUS. Physically, emotionally, and apparently sexually. He comes from a long line of head-cases, and I used to think he was the only one to come out of that family normal. I was very wrong.

[splizzrinkle]

1. Sign this > http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeacti ... 1153389795

2. Forget typing on your keyboard.

3.When this day arrives, put everything else to the side and get ready to rumble!