I'm still scared
Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 4:02 pm
I wish that I could be a better soldier, but the anxiety and the terror causes the pit of my stomach to screach like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Sometimes I don't breath until I tell myself to, and the muscles in my neck and jaws draw up and refuse to relax even when I try to make them. I have a hard time speaking in complete sentences and I often can't remember my own phone number. My chest is tight and I have a difficult time comprehending what I am looking at or hearing. Cps has taken my children, my grandchildren and my husband. I sit here in a house that used to be full of family alone now. Everything I say or do directly effects which ones get to come home, or not. I'm not willing to lose any but what a poor soldier I am.
God of creation is my strength and my hope. He has kept my family through all of the awful situations cps has put them through. Through the winter in KS with no heat that my husband endured and the dumps he has had to live in so that I would be warm. Through the humiliation and the abandonment of friends and family. Through the loss of work and income. Through the separation and lonliness. Through the terror of our missing daughter and the recovery of her rape. Through the endless cps coverups at our expense. Through the destruction of our credibility as citizens in society. Through the terror of the sound of someone knocking at my door. Through the battles of overcomeing cps brainwashing. God Himself has seen us through.
Wed the 26th should be our closing date and I am as terrified as I was the first time they took my oldest daughter in 1992. However I have learned how to pray and breath and trust and make new friends. I've learned how to take note, plan and stratagize. I have learned that cps does not have the power to break the bonds of love in a family. That Gods hand is not shortened that He cannot save, no matter where cps put my children or what they let happen to them. There is no tear that He cannot wipe away and replace with joy.
What time I am afraid I will trust in Him.
God of creation is my strength and my hope. He has kept my family through all of the awful situations cps has put them through. Through the winter in KS with no heat that my husband endured and the dumps he has had to live in so that I would be warm. Through the humiliation and the abandonment of friends and family. Through the loss of work and income. Through the separation and lonliness. Through the terror of our missing daughter and the recovery of her rape. Through the endless cps coverups at our expense. Through the destruction of our credibility as citizens in society. Through the terror of the sound of someone knocking at my door. Through the battles of overcomeing cps brainwashing. God Himself has seen us through.
Wed the 26th should be our closing date and I am as terrified as I was the first time they took my oldest daughter in 1992. However I have learned how to pray and breath and trust and make new friends. I've learned how to take note, plan and stratagize. I have learned that cps does not have the power to break the bonds of love in a family. That Gods hand is not shortened that He cannot save, no matter where cps put my children or what they let happen to them. There is no tear that He cannot wipe away and replace with joy.
What time I am afraid I will trust in Him.