Question from a new foster parent

[Whomperdoodle]

I am a foster parent who had a toddler girl placed in my home earlier this week. She is my first foster child. She's been out of her home for over a year, and visits with Mom have been off and on, but Mom and I set up visits for the next two Saturdays. Of course, Saturday the 12th is the day before Mother's Day. So I'm wondering whether buying a Mother's Day card and having my FD scribble (she's not really to coloring/drawing yet skills-wise) on it and signing it "Love, [Foster Daughter]" is appropriate or not. I try to imagine what I would want if my kids were in someone else's care, and I can see it both ways. If it's relevant, the goal is Reunification.

Anybody have a take on this? I want to encourage them to rebuild their relationship without overstepping the line -- I just don't know where the line is.

[Eljay]

Absolutely!!!! Even better, do a t-shirt with daughter's hand and footprints all over it in different colors using fabric paint. Or something similarly personal.

When you say visits have been "off and on" take that with a grain of salt... maybe the mother is a flake, but maybe CPS has been deceptive and lied to her about visits, cancelled them at the last minute, or even failed to tell her about them, then they can tell the court that she's "missed" visits.

Either way things go - TPR or reunification - it is best to operate from a supportive perspective.

[monkette31]

that sounds nice...can she pick a flower for her mom? I always like a flower from them too, could keep it...

[noroses4u2c]

Absolutely!!!! Even better, do a t-shirt with daughter's hand and footprints all over it in different colors using fabric paint. Or something similarly personal.

When you say visits have been "off and on" take that with a grain of salt... maybe the mother is a flake, but maybe CPS has been deceptive and lied to her about visits, cancelled them at the last minute, or even failed to tell her about them, then they can tell the court that she's "missed" visits.

Either way things go - TPR or reunification - it is best to operate from a supportive perspective.

Yes, that is what they would do to me about meetings. I would find out about them because my daughter would evesdrop and tell me about the meetings. Then, I'd show up to the meetings and everyone would be shocked to see me there. This male therapist was even enraged because I showed up. I ended up missing no meetings because my daughter kept me in the loop that way.

They ended up going out of their way then to close off all forms of communication between us. They were all pissed that their stuff kept not working. They discovered her internet accounts and seized them. They discovered her secret cell phone and confiscated it. They lied about me to get our visits terminated. I now have no legal right to see or talk to my own child, and I had never abused her like they claimed.

They pull this stuff alot on parents.

[Whomperdoodle]

Thank you for the responses and ideas!

Also, thank you for the perspective on visits and history. I didn't mean to sound judgmental by saying that (I've been told) that visits are hit or miss, I just meant to out that we are working to rebuild, rather than maintain, a solid connection between the two, for whatever reason. All I know is that Mom has been kind to me and loves her daughter and I want to encourage their relationship-building.

[mamalion]

I have to ask, why are you on an anti-cps forum?

My parents taught me you can celebrate any holiday any day you wish. If the meeting is the day before, maybe share that statement, and say TODAY is mother's day!

Anything you can do is great. A little video, a card, a drawling. I'm sure the mother will be very happy you thought of her

[survivorsofcps]

My advice. first thanks for giving the mother a chance. Second it would be fair if both of you got a present.You and the natural parent. Sometimes the foster child really does love both if they are treated well by both. By doing this you are respecting everyone's rights to affection.

Also you could have a celebration day for the child commemorative of the day you received the child in your home. Tell the child you still want them to go back home to the mother but as long as she is there that will be your special day. The child's birth day should be in contrast spent with the mother. i don't like the phrase "gotcha day" because it implies you stole them but maybe someone could come up with a better name.