Bizarre feeling....

[jackiew75]

My children were ordered back to my care today. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness for the foster fami
ly that took care of my children.

My daughter went to school today and the judge handed down the ruling for the kids to be returned. I cant help but to relate to my feelings when the children were stolen by DCYF.... My daughter goes to school and never comes home and now this is what happens to the foster family.

I know and have been told that they are used to this and this is their job but I cant help but to wonder..... They had the ability to spend one week with our amazing children.... They even thought, I believe because of the social worker, that the kids would be there for Christmas. I just have this horrible feeling of sadness for this family I dont even know.

Are these normal feelings or am I just overwhelmed with everything (except my children) at this point? I have this intense desire right now to write a letter to this family explaining these feelings. What do I do?

[Marina]

Yes, I have read that the emotions of foster families run deep.

You have to believe that most of the families really care for and love children and they would appreciate kindness just like you do.

[jackiew75]

What do I do from here.... Write the family a letter?

I put the little ones to bed and then got back up to cry. I just keep sobbing uncontrolling because I am so sad for the foster family. I was initially very angry with them... I didnt want someone else to love my little ones like I should have been.... I didnt want someone else laying on the floor playing with them; afterall, this was my right as their parent, their flesh and blood and someone took that away with lies.

Here we are, less than a week away from Christmas and our little girl, who is 6 says, "Mom, I was supposed to spend Christmas with them; they bought **** presents too" (mind you, my children are OVER JOYED at being home). I was heart broken. Our daughter says that these people were very good to her. They came home, after a week, with BAGS of clothing, school supplies, toys and movies. There was not a penny spared on these children. I firmly believe, that somewhere, along the way, this foster family was told that there was no way that these children would be coming home. That thought was confirmed when my sister spoke to the social worker who made all sorts of insinuations that they were looking for long term care of the children.

So here is this family, believing that these children are going to be living with them and then the judge says otherwise. Dont get me wrong, I am more than grateful that my children were returned to me immediately.... I am feeling awful though, that they were able to spend a week with two amazing children and believe whole heartedly that they would remain in their care, only to be sent home without being able to say good-bye (our daughter anyways because she was at school).

Like I had said before, I am so immensley saddened by their "loss" this evening. I dont know what to do and I dont know how to understand this emotion I am feeling.... Because it makes no sense...... I am horribly sad over the foster family losing my children.... Sounds crazy, I know. I also know that they were misled and these are MY children.

Love some input on this one....

[Marina]

write everything down now, and then wait 3 weeks before you decide to send it.

You are in shock now.

Writing will help you pull yourself together.

[momomma]

Speaking as a foster mom I think writing them a letter is a great idea. This job is hard, it doesn't take long at all to get attatched to these children, but I would be willing to bet that this foster family is happy the kids were able to return to their mother. That's where kids should be if at all possible. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it does ease it some.

I think alot of times we get the parents anger, and I know alot of us do not hold that against the parent. We would probably feel the same way. They just forget that "we" didn't go take their children, CPS did that..and most of the time all we want to do is provide them a safe loving environment until they can return home.

I thought your post was beautiful and I think it shows what a truly caring person you are!!

Congratulations on getting your children back...Have a very Merry Christmas!!

[momofseven]

You are an awesome person to feel this kind of compassion....also, one feels such gratitude to know that your children are loved and cared for by others.
However, i think that it would be easy to still be very angry at the system that allowed this to happen in the first place.

As an adoptive mom.....i was not a part of the (Russian) system that removed the children from their biological home.....so you can empathize with both sides now!

[jackiew75]

ohh... Dont get me wrong, I am very angry with the system. Not even so much at the one here in NH because they are only going by the lies a police det. and DHS worker said. I am more than angry with them.

I feel better today, although I still feel a lot of sadness for the foster family. I allowed myself to just "let it all out" last night and that seemed to help. I am angry that this family was probably told by the DCYF worker that there was "no way those children are going to be sent home to the mother".... I imagine that kind foster parents who love these children that are brought to their home are very turned off by this sort of behavior. I am angry that this system will continually lose "good" foster families because they are only set up for heartache.

[momomma]

this family was probably told by the DCYF worker that there was "no way those children are going to be sent home to the mother"....

I think this is one of the biggest problems between parents and foster parents. The workers do sometimes make the parents out to be monsters and until we meet the parents and talk with them we don't find out any different. Then parents feel like we are wanting to keep their children from them. (Not to say there aren't some fosters who really don't want kids returned because THEY feel the other's parenting is wrong) Unless there is blatant abuse or neglect I always want my kids reunited with their parents because I have the best interest of the child in mind. Not my interests, not the state's, and not the parents.

I think foster parents can really be an ally for parents who are trying to get their kids back if we communicate and work together.

[xyz123]

As a foster/adoptive parent I will say that although the move was without warning, I'm sure it is something the fp knew could happen especially if they knew when court was. I can say, we never take a caseworkers word for how long a placement should be. I've had some that were soposed to be very long term return in a few weeks and I had some that were soposed to be very short term that I ended up adopting-you just never know. I don't think that just because they came home with a lot of things means that the fp thought they were keeping them. ALL the children that come through my home no matter how long they are here return with complete new wardrobes, toys, and personal items. They arrive and we go shopping everything I buy for them goes with them when they leave. Maybe because Christmas is so close they were prepared for your children to enjoy the Holiday's, but that doesn't mean they thought they would stay forever. Also, I have had many parents write me notes or call to say thanks after the children were returned and I appreciate that so much. If you feel you have to say something, send them a card and just say thanks!

[rlfroo]

I also am a foster adopt mom. I found your letter to be beautiful and it touched my heart deeply. The greatest gift you could give me if I was the foster parent in your case would be to send a card stating your feelings and periodically send pictures. I love it when I get to see how the kids have grown. I am so happy that you got your children home for Christmas. I agree with the earlier post where the person said we never know how long the kids are going to stay. Yes they have told us long term and it is 2 days. One of the children I adopted was supposed be with me for a week. So we all have come to know that some are for a season and some are for a lifetime, we are overjoyed for both. You sound like an amazing person I wish you the best with your children. Have the best Christmas ever.

[jackiew75]

I think that I was misunderstood about the statement I made about the children coming home with all sort of clothing, items, diapers, etc. What I was trying to say, was that this foster family apparently made a very good attempt at purchasing everything that the children could have possibly needed and more. I felt like they were doing whatever they could to make the little ones feel as comfortable as possible under the circumstances.

I am now feeling much better about the situation as these are my children and they do belong with me. I have not written a letter to the family because I know that I would have to forward it to the social worker and then she would have to get it to the foster family.... Sadly, I dont want anything I say in a letter to come back and haunt me and that is why I have not done this yet. I have even debated on contacting them because the foster dad told my dd that he would bring her to Chuck E Cheese and that he would not break that promise.... she is only six and thinks that he broke it. I have told her it is out of his hands and that he did not break the promise and that the adult situation has just changed. Expectedly, she does not understand and that is ok. I have asked her if she would like to contact them and she said "no". I believe that she thinks that she would be hurting my feelings as well as her dads... I tried to tell her that it would not hurt us, but again, she is 6 and overly confused.

Thanks for all of the great posts on this subject.... its not really something I had seen on this board and I thought I was losing my mind because I was/am sad for them.

[lostintranslation]

Jackie....reading over your post on this, really brought up some emotions for me. And I hate to say it this way but, I am a bit envious of your position.

My sons were in an awful foster home. The foster father was extremely cruel and abusive. EVERYONE had concerns about him but did nothing. We would hear about the cruelty and abusive nature from our boys on each and every visit.

I am envious because to be honest, I would have loved to be in your position of debating with myself on sending a note of thanks. If that was my case, I would have definitely sent one. I did send one to the respite care family that my boys were placed with when the foster parents took a vacation. They COULDN'T take the boys because my boys' attorney didn't want any visitations interfered with. The respite family were a wonderful, young couple whose main focus was taking care of the boys while they were in their care. No personal agendas whatsoever. They even called and asked the caseworker if they could have us over for dinner on a day that visitation wasn't scheduled. They asked if it would be ok if we came over a few nights during that week to visit with the boys and get them ready for bed. My caseworker didn't have a problem with it.

Anyway, I know it would be difficult to get a note to the foster parents in your case because you don't know their address. There is a way to do this though, if you are still inclined to write a note of thanks to them. If you know their last name and the town they live in, you can take it to that town's post office and see if they will deliver it for you. I did this once and the person did get my letter. I don't guarantee that it will always work but, if you want to send them a note, it's worth a shot. Or you can thank them silently everyday. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

Whatever you chose to do, will be alright. There is no right or wrong answer in this matter. In regards to your 6 year old and the 'broken promise' let her know that he made the promise because he wanted to give her something that would make her happy. He didn't break the promise because the courts did something to make everyone happy...allowed her to come home.

[jackiew75]

lostintranslation.... I dont know what to say. Although I did not know of the care my children were receiving while they were gone, this was an enormous emotional burden for my husband and myself. How impossible it is to go to bed at night not knowing the condition of your children is heartbreaking and worse for you, you know of the condition that your children are living everyday and you are unable to change it..... For this, I am so sorry. I cant even begin to imagine your heartache or the anommosity you feel towards a system that was created to protect the children, but ultimately fails them.

I do intend on writing the family a letter. I do not know there last name or where they live. Like I have said before, at this time in their "game", I think it would be unwise for me to say anything but "thank you". You all know how DHS likes to twist everything you say and do so I have to be very careful of what I say even if my intentions are pure..... DHS's intentions are not.

That being said, I understand how you felt about my post, as I would have felt the same. I dont think that I will ever feel "normal" after all of this. This past year has made a mess of my emotions and spirit but I just keep remembering who I am fighting for.

Someone gave me a book the other day. I am not sure if it were for me or for the kids. They asked that I read it over and over and teach my little ones how to keep me in their thoughts if they are removed again. I think that you should read it, that all of you should read it and that those of you that are able to see your children, read it to them. The book is called The Kissing Hand. I have never really cried over a childrens book (except Love You Forever, which is another beautiful book) but this was beautiful. I guess this book is typically read to children on their first day of school when they are having separation anxiety....

[rlfroo]

First off I want to apologize to all of you parents that have had bad experiences with foster parents. I am a foster parent and I believe because I proudly hold that title that I should be more accountable as a parent than anyone else. It sickens me that children who are removed from their families, which is traumatic in the first place, can an are placed with foster parents that should not be put in charge of worms. Thank God that there are not as many bad ones as there are good ones. At least I hope and pray not. I have to thank all of your for having feeling in your heart for those foster parents that did do what they are supposed to do, maybe even go above what they are required to do. But honestly they should be going above and beyond to reunite families. That is what I believe. I have recently sent two little ones back to their parents with great joy in my heart. I gave both parents my phone numbers to keep me posted and I have not heard a thing. I know they want nothing to do with CPS so I understand. I could not tell you how much a little card or note would mean to me, so I know the little ones are all right. My current case is a newborn (drug addicted) that the mom gave birth and left the hospital. She gave CPS the wrong name, address and phone numbers, so there is no way to contact her. Honestly I admire her for making sure the baby was in a safe place. I wish I knew anything about her and I wish I had the opportunity to work with her. I wish all of you the best this coming year. Thanks for listening and caring enough to think of Foster Parents feelings, sometimes we are the forgoten, we are told to bond with children and then told to suck it up when the children leave. Being a good foster parent is heart wrenching and heart warming all at the same time. God Bless you all.

[lostintranslation]

rlfroo...
Hey lady, nice to see you posting again. It's been awhile. I know that you are one of the exceptional foster moms from our conversations on and off board. The compassion in your voice for the children AND their parents is remarkable. I wish there were more foster parents like you out there.

[Momof31995]

I know exactly how you feel Jackie. The last foster parents my kids were with were wonderful and even today we talk to them on the phone and get together with them they all even volunteered to babysit for us when we need it.

One even calls to take the kids for a day when there has been long breaks from school just to give me a break. I know if it wasnt for these foster parents i would not have my kids now they were wonderful advocates for us and also gave emotional support when we needed it.

I never thought fosterers could be that way but now i know the good ones out there are especially needed and can love our children without trying to turn them against us.

Love your children while you can because as CPS has proved they are not truly ours. At anytime they feel necessary they can take them away.

[momomma]

First off I want to apologize to all of you parents that have had bad experiences with foster parents. I am a foster parent and I believe because I proudly hold that title that I should be more accountable as a parent than anyone else. It sickens me that children who are removed from their families, which is traumatic in the first place, can an are placed with foster parents that should not be put in charge of worms. Thank God that there are not as many bad ones as there are good ones. At least I hope and pray not. I have to thank all of your for having feeling in your heart for those foster parents that did do what they are supposed to do, maybe even go above what they are required to do. But honestly they should be going above and beyond to reunite families. That is what I believe. I have recently sent two little ones back to their parents with great joy in my heart. I gave both parents my phone numbers to keep me posted and I have not heard a thing. I know they want nothing to do with CPS so I understand. I could not tell you how much a little card or note would mean to me, so I know the little ones are all right. My current case is a newborn (drug addicted) that the mom gave birth and left the hospital. She gave CPS the wrong name, address and phone numbers, so there is no way to contact her. Honestly I admire her for making sure the baby was in a safe place. I wish I knew anything about her and I wish I had the opportunity to work with her. I wish all of you the best this coming year. Thanks for listening and caring enough to think of Foster Parents feelings, sometimes we are the forgoten, we are told to bond with children and then told to suck it up when the children leave. Being a good foster parent is heart wrenching and heart warming all at the same time. God Bless you all.

Speaking as another foster mom I couldn't agree with you more.

Great post!

[jackiew75]

Thanks to everyone that responded..... Your words were all very kind.

[jubilee]

I enjoyed reading your post about the return of your children, and I find it very commendable that you do care about the feelings of the foster family.

Foster parents do have feelings, and that is something that DFS often forgets. They think that these people should be able to just act as if they were robots with no emotions.

It's been over two years since the woman that was fostering my grandson brought him back to me after I got a court order for his return.

I could tell, that night, when she came to the door that she was not happy.

I invited her in, and asked her if she would like to have a seat for a minute.

She did sit, and she talked at length about things, and cried as well. Every time she looked at my grandson tears welled up in her eyes.

I fault DFS for that.

She was told when he was placed in her home that he was an abandoned baby, and that he had no family that wanted him.

She said that she and her husband took one look at him and wondered why on earth anyone would NOT want him, as he was perfect, and very handsome and happy.

They instantly 'fell' for him because of the abandonment as it was presented to them.

She said that they were stunned when, two and a half weeks later, his regular caseworker was back from training out of town and came by to visit and revealed more.

She said that because she and her husband were told that he was abandoned they decided that they would look into adoption of him. When she asked his regular caseworker she was told that she could not do that, and when she inquired as to why she was told that he had a family.

She explained what she had been told to the caseworker who immediately said 'he has a grandmother who wants him and is taking the state to court to get him, so I don't know why you were told that he has no family.'

She said that she and her husband were devastated by this news.

The caseworker who dropped him at their home should have NEVER told these parents this. It was wrong on her part. I do not know who she was, but her actions were heartless.

I felt so sorry for this woman who obviously fell head over heels for this baby just like I did.

During the remainder of our conversation she told me that it was hard to be a foster and take care of children and then one day have the child leave and never know what happened to them (I guess any parent can identify with that feeling).

I told her that she was more than welcome to visit any time she liked, look in on my grandson, call, write, etc.

She left a letter for him that she wrote, and I have it to give to him when he is older...it cannot hurt him one bit to know that he has been loved by so many!

She's visited a few times, and called a few times, and before Christmas each year sends us an update on her family.

She also provided me with photos that she took during the time when he was in her care, and I have them on the wall in his room...my grandson and her husband with boxing gloves on, so cute.

Each year I send her a video of my grandson...if giving her that makes her feel better about the outcome for him then I am all for it, and I am rather grateful that he was placed in a home where he was so well cared for and loved.

I still hold some harsh feelings toward the worker who laid that load of crap on those people and hurt them in the process. As I said, I don't know who she was, but it was not right for her to do that...to give these people the idea that they were being given a placement that may have very well ended up a permanent placement and adoption. It was not fair to them.

So, yes, it's hard on the fosters, and I do think a great deal of the fact that you take that into consideration. Many people don't and view fosters as the 'enemy', when they are not.

I must admit that seems fosters are bent on keeping your child, and are trying to sabotage reunification...but the fact is that you never know what DFS is telling them, they never know what DFS is telling you, and though some may have bad motives, some are also in it for nothing more than the care of children. I give fosters the benefit of the doubt because of that.

Betty

[jackiew75]

[quote="jubilee"]


She left a letter for him that she wrote, and I have it to give to him when he is older...it cannot hurt him one bit to know that he has been loved by so many!

Brought tears to my eyes just thinking about the letter....

[momomma]

I enjoyed reading your post about the return of your children, and I find it very commendable that you do care about the feelings of the foster family.

Foster parents do have feelings, and that is something that DFS often forgets. They think that these people should be able to just act as if they were robots with no emotions.

It's been over two years since the woman that was fostering my grandson brought him back to me after I got a court order for his return.

I could tell, that night, when she came to the door that she was not happy.

I invited her in, and asked her if she would like to have a seat for a minute.

She did sit, and she talked at length about things, and cried as well. Every time she looked at my grandson tears welled up in her eyes.

I fault DFS for that.

She was told when he was placed in her home that he was an abandoned baby, and that he had no family that wanted him.

She said that she and her husband took one look at him and wondered why on earth anyone would NOT want him, as he was perfect, and very handsome and happy.

They instantly 'fell' for him because of the abandonment as it was presented to them.

She said that they were stunned when, two and a half weeks later, his regular caseworker was back from training out of town and came by to visit and revealed more.

She said that because she and her husband were told that he was abandoned they decided that they would look into adoption of him. When she asked his regular caseworker she was told that she could not do that, and when she inquired as to why she was told that he had a family.

She explained what she had been told to the caseworker who immediately said 'he has a grandmother who wants him and is taking the state to court to get him, so I don't know why you were told that he has no family.'

She said that she and her husband were devastated by this news.

The caseworker who dropped him at their home should have NEVER told these parents this. It was wrong on her part. I do not know who she was, but her actions were heartless.

I felt so sorry for this woman who obviously fell head over heels for this baby just like I did.

During the remainder of our conversation she told me that it was hard to be a foster and take care of children and then one day have the child leave and never know what happened to them (I guess any parent can identify with that feeling).

I told her that she was more than welcome to visit any time she liked, look in on my grandson, call, write, etc.

She left a letter for him that she wrote, and I have it to give to him when he is older...it cannot hurt him one bit to know that he has been loved by so many!

She's visited a few times, and called a few times, and before Christmas each year sends us an update on her family.

She also provided me with photos that she took during the time when he was in her care, and I have them on the wall in his room...my grandson and her husband with boxing gloves on, so cute.

Each year I send her a video of my grandson...if giving her that makes her feel better about the outcome for him then I am all for it, and I am rather grateful that he was placed in a home where he was so well cared for and loved.

I still hold some harsh feelings toward the worker who laid that load of crap on those people and hurt them in the process. As I said, I don't know who she was, but it was not right for her to do that...to give these people the idea that they were being given a placement that may have very well ended up a permanent placement and adoption. It was not fair to them.

So, yes, it's hard on the fosters, and I do think a great deal of the fact that you take that into consideration. Many people don't and view fosters as the 'enemy', when they are not.

I must admit that seems fosters are bent on keeping your child, and are trying to sabotage reunification...but the fact is that you never know what DFS is telling them, they never know what DFS is telling you, and though some may have bad motives, some are also in it for nothing more than the care of children. I give fosters the benefit of the doubt because of that.

Betty

That's beautiful. It's how I wish all foster/parent relationships could be.

[Frustrated]

Sadly, we have very few Good Foster Parents/Parents Relationships. Even some very good Foster Parents out there. We can all be thankful if any Children were placed with them than the others.

Sometimes CPS would poison their minds to go against the parents. All it takes a consceince and a good heart to listen to the Children over overzealous CPS Worker's goals. Children are our Future and may also be our future leaders. We shouldn't damage them further mentally or emotionally even more so because they are that vunerable. What comes to my mind right now is the Song:

"We are the World, We are the Children."

Remember that song? from the 80's Farm Aid back in the old days???

I loved it, and it should apply to our Children of Today.

[Heatheranne]

It's been so long since I have posted because I started to think most people on this board hated foster parents. I am happy to see that is not true. I have loved every single child that has came through my door. I can't see how you couldn't. I hve had children from as little as one day to a child who was 2 months when she got here and now is 19 months.

As of last November I had a little boy from the age of 4 weeks old until he was 7 months old. I loved him so much and also fell in love with his parents. In fact, I just went to visit them 3 weeks ago. When he left, I framed the most beautiful poem I could find. It is now hanging in his room. This was a wonderful time for our family, to see this child able to go back to his parents. It doesn't always happen that way.

It' not often I talk to CPS case workers. I am so thankful we are with an agency who is basically the "middle man". They have never told me anything wrong. The experiences with CPS haven't always been the best. That is a whole new page to type.

Anyways, looks like this will be our last year of fostering, pending the outcome of the little girl who is still with us. I can't take to much more involvement of CPS.

Thanks to all the other foster parents who also don't mind explaining to parents who's children are placed with CPS. Hopefully this is a little thing to help them. Not knowing how most of us foster parents want what best for their children.