Ruined Relationship With 7 year old

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Enchanted*Forester
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Ruined Relationship With 7 year old

Postby Enchanted*Forester » Tue Jul 29, 2008 8:10 am

My son was placed in foster care for 8 months during our poorly handled case full of false allegations. He's been home for over 2 years and I feel so distant to him! I love him, but I almost feel like he's damaged goods? Does anyone know what I mean? My husband just wants me to move on, but I have so much hate over the situation I was thrust in that I don't know how. There aren't books or therapy sessions for people like us. I am seeing a therapist, but they don't provide training for these professionals in college. She can sit and try to understand where I'm coming from, but is isn't the same.

Can anyone else feel this pain I feel? Please tell me I'm not alone!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away...

Marina07
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Postby Marina07 » Wed Jul 30, 2008 1:26 pm

This didn't happen to me, but my boyfriend felt like this with my daughter. He was the center of the false accusations, and she was the accuser. She was only 3 at the time, and definitely coerced by social services. Some of the things they had her saying, I KNOW she wouldn't say, but they didn't understand everything she was saying because she's only 3!

Now we are no longer together, even though we were engaged, happy, and looking into buying our first home together when this whole mess started.

Part of the reason he says he can't be with me is because he feels distant to my daughter, and also kind of feels like she's damaged goods. That no matter how much therapy, nothing will replace the things that were put into her innocent head, things about him. The evaluating psychologist worked on one HUGE child abuse case, and sadly, all the kids involved, years later, feel extremely guilty for the words she put in their mouth.

It's so sad the things they put people through. Are there any parent advocacy groups in your area? You may be able to look into them.

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Enchanted*Forester
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Thanks for sharing!

Postby Enchanted*Forester » Wed Jul 30, 2008 1:46 pm

I haven't had any luck locating any groups in my area. I've considered starting one myself for both parents who've been falsely accused and those who may have made mistakes and are being overly punished for them. Thanks for reading my post and the best of luck to you in the future!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away...

MaggieC

Postby MaggieC » Thu Jul 31, 2008 5:53 pm

I have found that the best way to help one's self is to help others. Don't let what happened to you happen to any other innocent parent.

debbiescalese
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Postby debbiescalese » Wed Aug 06, 2008 6:43 am

Its not my own kids I feel like that about but my step daughter who made the acusations. she is only here for 2 hours a week and I make plans not to be here or I stay in another room. I jsut will never look at her the same again. she really hurt my family and I just don't want her around but I understand she needs a relationship with her father. So I'm kinda stuck.

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kali
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Postby kali » Wed Aug 13, 2008 5:54 am

hi enchanted - i don't want to minimize you feelings because if i was in your position and my child had spent that much time in foster care - i can only imagine the emotional scars and baggage EVERYONE in your family must be dealing with and i am so sorry you are going through this...BUT please remember to be grateful that you regained custody because coming from a mother who lost custody of my only child a few years ago i can tell you that the whole experience and process of losing a child permanently has absolutely completely broken me as a person and i would do anything to see my daughter again. have you thought of getting family therapy? 7 seems young for therapy but you might want to look into it before too much time passes. good luck and god bless.

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Enchanted*Forester
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I'm so sorry, Kali

Postby Enchanted*Forester » Wed Aug 13, 2008 12:23 pm

My thoughts go out to you, as well. I can't even imaging how much pain you have gone through. Multiply mine by a thousand still wouldn't do it, I'm sure.

I would go into family conseling (I am in it myself, now) but I want my son to forget it ever happend. He rarely brings up his foster family and that gets less and less as time goes on. I wonder if I'll ever talk to him about it, but for now, I want to forget it ever happend.

Thanks for your kind words!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away...

trappedinwreakage
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Postby trappedinwreakage » Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:29 am

I have this with my daughter, shes now 19. Things were just never the same. I actually never wanted her back home, not her the person, I still love her but I didnt want to go back, I didnt want to have to daily face the fact that things were never going to be the same, that the bond was broken, that any laughter would quickly have the cold reality snuff it out. I did have her home for about 7months and only due to financial reason, it was a very dry barren period, only going through the motions under effort, not naturally as intact parents do. I had been changed, drastically and that still continues to this day, over 3 1/2 years after the fact.

Last Friday I took her to have her wisdom teeth removed, it was good. On the way home she slept in the front seat and things were, for a brief moment as they were in the early years, when we were both at ease to be around each other. She has tried hard but she is young and doesnt understand the change the imposed psychological torture can do to a helpless parent.

Its a well know fact that loss of a child due to death can devastate a parent. It amazes me that the same psychologists dont present the government with the facts about what having ones child taken from them over petty bologna and rendered powerless can do to a brain......... go figure

all for the higher cause.... ya know

I suppose we should be bouncy and happy for our contributions to the betterment of this "highly needed system"

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kali
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Postby kali » Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:13 pm

[


Its a well know fact that loss of a child due to death can devastate a parent. It amazes me that the same psychologists dont present the government with the facts about what having ones child taken from them over petty bologna and rendered powerless can do to a brain......... go figure


I know!!!

I have to admist that the book i read (novels, fiction, and non-fiction) that actually help me heal are the book i find on parents losing their children through death and kidnapping rather than just losing custody. hopefully the book i am writing will be a resource to help parents who lose custody and then lose all rights to see their child - it is something i will never ever "get over".
DWELL IN POSSIBILITY

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Enchanted*Forester
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Kali and Trapped in Weakage

Postby Enchanted*Forester » Mon Aug 18, 2008 5:47 am

You both hit the nail on the head!!! It's so calming to know I'm not the only one that feels as you do. My child and I both "died" during that terrible time in our lives. We now have to learn who we are to each other, again.

I can't believe that my husband can't feel what I feel. Maybe it's a man thing. Dad's just don't have the same bond with their children that women have. Maybe he feels he needs to be tough, to move on to get past things. I don't know how he does it. But I know I'll never truly heal from this horrific experience. I don't know how anyone can. It's impossible to do when your child chimes in "I miss (place name of foster parent here.)" How do you handle that??? I just quickly redirect his attention so I don't have to hear the name again. His foster parents are what made the situation go from bad to worse! How they let people like that care for children is beyond me! Filthy home and car, never on time for pick up/ drop off, refused to tell us where they lived, missed phone calls... UGH!!! Just thinking about it makes my blood boil!

I believe that any harm you cause comes back to you three-fold. I just wish I could be around to see it happen to my case worker, the judge, the guardian ad-litem, and foster parents. Only then will they see the harm they caused.

My best to you both!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away...

trappedinwreakage
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Postby trappedinwreakage » Thu Aug 21, 2008 7:54 pm

Mame, I am a Man, was once ALL Man. You are wrong about that bond. In the hospitol, that first day, I reluctantly held that fragile little girl baby in my arms, some weird stuff happened in my body and soul. I was a good guy, I was hard, I was tough, but suddenly I was SUPERMAN and I lived like that for 15 years.

Some people are just different, now her Mother just went on, forward, easily, for the most part putting it behind her, but she wasnt the one that did something wrong, nor was she the one that got branded for life. Im not one to get over anything, my own mistakes especially. I take life and responsibility seriously and I was mentally pounded and branded a bad person. Pride and dignity meant everything to me throughout my entire life and now I must die without dignity and it makes living VERY hard.

I believe I already talked about the bond and breaking of the bond and what that has done to me/us too, so I wont do the broken recorder thing, hard as it is.

KALI - good luck with your book, my sister has continously told me to "write the book" but I dont have it in me to organize my thoughts, combine that with the fact that I was "guilty" by modern "law" and I just have no grounds. If you do a search of my posts through this site you will find some pretty good writing amounst my "rants", feel free to incorporate any of that if you please as quotes or what ever is proper course for writing. Im here to show my side, which is ANGER, exposure and let others know whats comming down the pipe in the aftermath, because as we all know we dont know what hit us, until somehow, miraculously air got pumped back into us and we poped up breathing... for shame... for shame

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Enchanted*Forester
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Men are hit hard by this, too!

Postby Enchanted*Forester » Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:01 am

I didn't mean to imply all fathers/men can't understand the bond. I'm just searching for a reason. My husband is a very analytical person. Everything has a beginning, middle and end. I feel like I'll always be trapped in the midde of this hellish agency that destroys families. I may never recover. I hope I can at least live with it. Right now, even that is difficult.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away...

MaggieC

Postby MaggieC » Fri Aug 22, 2008 11:56 am

It might be fear. He might be afraid, very afraid and his behavior is a mechanism to control the fear.

I have seen this before.


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