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It's over.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 4:22 pm
by searcher
I need someone to talk to. I don't know what to do next. My husband has put me out. Before all this I was a stay at home mom with a wonderful family. The cps showed p and my world has gone to hell. I tried protecting my family, but it seems I was the only one doing so. I need someone to talk with. Please.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 6:41 pm
by Marina
I am so sorry.

Where are you staying now? Give us more information if you are able to.

Hang in there.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 6:48 pm
by searcher
I'm staying with family for the moment, but it doesn't look long term.

I have no money, no job, no support from anyone who has or is concerned with my children. My husband has told me that if we split up, he will make sure I don't get the kids. Well, he's made sure all right. Now, I'm probably not even going to get to see them again.

Everyone is telling me to look up. To look at it as a new beginning. They don't understand. Losing him is tearing me apart, but knowing that I'm going to lose my babies is killing me. DH and our babies were all I had in the world. Now I have and am nothing.

I can eat, can't sleep. I went to the store with a family member this evening and all I could do is cry at the items that we (DH and I) would buy, want to buy or need to buy currently.

I'm lost.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:05 pm
by Marina
Do you have enough food?

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:10 pm
by searcher
You know, that's just about the nicest thing anyone has said to me since my husband left.

There's plenty of food here and I've been told to eat whatever I want. The trouble is that when I get down/depressed/whatever you want to call it, I can't keep anything down. I have no appetite. I'm on-line because this is what I've done since all this started to get my mind off of things, but it isn't helping. With this, nothing seems to be helping. At least when I was "home" I could look up, see my husband and have some hope that our kids would be our kids again and that the life we had been dreaming about would still be possible. Not anymore.

I'm sorry to vent like this. I'm sure this isn't the place, but I don't know where else to turn.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:20 pm
by Marina
This is exactly the place to vent.

LOL - - We had homeschool, and in the Montessori curriculum guide it tells what the basic physical needs of mankind are everywhere.

I am at a loss about how to help, but talking is a start. I just remember saying the Lord's Prayer over and over when I felt helpless at one time.

The next basic need is clothing. Do you have enough warm clothing for this cold weather?

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:26 pm
by searcher
I had an escort out of the home. I brought what I thought of at the moment, what I didn't think of was my winter coat. Well, I thought of it, but not until I had locked the door behind me (no keys in hand)It's going to be freezing here the next few days... I guess I'm not going anywhere for the moment!

Supposedly, I'll have a little time to get some things from the house at a later date. I feel like garbage. He used me and threw away the wrapper.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:31 pm
by Marina
I feel so bad for you.

Shelter is next on the list. I guess that will be a process to see about that.

Do you have transportation?

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:43 pm
by searcher
Public transit is the way to go for now. At least until the money runs out.

My biggest fear is about my children who are in care. He and his family have money, started bad-mouthing me long ago and his family member has the children. We're almost to the 10 month mark and with all of this, I can't see how I will even be able to see them again. I'm currently out of the state that they are in so I don't know how it's going to work with CPS.

I don't even have any pictures of them with me and I don't know if he will allow me to have any. They are so young that they will know I'm gone, but won't remember me in a few years. And I can guarantee that no one on his side will say anything nice about me if they say anything at all.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:49 pm
by Marina
How much court involvement have you had?

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:51 pm
by good dad
Anywhere you need to vent is a good place searcher

I was single and unemployed when I learned my daughter was placed in fostercare because of my ex-wife's drug use. I know how you feel, like the whole world and all it's problems are against you.

Don't give up... It maybe hard to see right now, but sunshine may be just around the corner :wink:


Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 7:54 pm
by searcher
With CPS it's been the usual hearings. We were compliant with everything. Then this. I don't know what to do next.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 8:01 pm
by Marina
If a child is in foster care, then there will be a Foster Care Service Plan with a timetable.

If a child is in relative care, there may or may not be a Foster Care Service Plan with deadlines.

There may just be legal custody with a relative or guardianship for an indefinite length of time. In this case, it is good that there are no deadlines like there are in foster care. This buys you some time.

Do you know the legal terms for the current placement?

Do you know the wording of the title on your current case plan?

Do you know if there are deadlines and scheduled court dates for Review, Permanency and Termination of Parental Rights?

Do you still have a court-appointed lawyer?

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 8:09 pm
by searcher
There's a deadline. We've been reminded of it many times. The relative is willing to adopt the children, of course that now means that I would never see them.

They've been doing contingent planning. I don't think we ever got an actual copy of the case plan from our worker. We've gotten the court orders and I managed to snag one of mine on my way out the door. I don't know what good it's going to do.

I have a court appointed lawyer. My not so better half has a very nicely paid lawyer. How fair. (I wanted a non court appointed lawyer. Everyone said that I didn't need one since the charges against me were immediately unfounded. I guess it's good anyway since I wouldn't have the money to pay one now.)

We were so close to the end. I told him time and again when we were having problems that if we stay together until CPS is out of the picture I would sign anything he wanted me to sign and leave just so long as I could be in the children's lives. I gave him an easy out that would mean that I would still be somewhat of a mom to them. This was his answer. We were so close to getting them back and having CPS out of our lives. I would have been ok with living separate lives except as far as CPS were concerned. I don't know what happened.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 8:40 pm
by Marina
Do you still have visitation?

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:08 pm
by searcher
I still have visitation for right now. When I was talking to a worker today about it, though, they said we would work something out for the "remaining visits". I hate the way that sounded.

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 10:40 pm
by good dad
they said we would work something out for the "remaining visits". I hate the way that sounded.

Searcher, You know they lie.. If you fight it to the end and can show you have done everything asked of you, it is very, very difficult for them to convince a court to terminate your parental rights, parenting is a fundamental right backed by the Constitution.

I showed up on the day of trial (finally after 18 months) to fight having my rights terminated and when they found out I wasn't going to sign my rights away, had fired my attorney and was going to represent myself and force them to "take" my rights instead of signing them away as they expected..... I went home with my daughter, no trial.... I called their bluff and they caved..

It seems to me, CPS thinks if you aren't willing to fight to the bitter end for your kids, you don't deserve them...

Don't give up.. Build your case for trial with the thought you will win

Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 8:51 pm
by searcher

I'm sorry I didn't see your first post here. I appreciate the words of hope, but I'm completely out of any of that.

See, the thing is, as good a mom as I've been, I'm not a great person. My husband has very good judgement when it comes to people. He has tossed me aside and I probably deserve it. I don't want to give up on my kids, but I don't see a choice. I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but no money, no job, no stable home? I can't see how any of that equals me getting those babies back. Besides which, he's got everything I don't including a supportive, stable family.

The only thing I can hope for is that he won't sour the kids on me and that I can see them one day when they're grown. Honestly, that's the only thing keeping me alive right now.

Posted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:24 am
by searcher
I was told in an earlier post that I could vent here, if I'm doing something wrong please tell me. (I'm used to i by now, believe me.)

I have to travel for 4 hours tomorrow to be told that I can't go home. Turn around and come back to a place which, I've found, isn't exactly safe. Wonderful. I had a home, bills in my name and paid on time. I had a little life, but it was a decent little life. I gave it up for him and now what? I'm out on my tush with nothing but the clothes on my back. Barely a dime to my name and not a pot to comfortably pee in. (Oh, sure, CPS is going to rush the kids back to me when I'm couch hopping with relatives that don't like me to begin with.)

I'm sorry I tried to protect my family when, apparently, I should have been watching out for myself alone (as he is now doing). I was trying to protect all of us. Instead, I've lost everything. What now?

It was actually a struggle to decide that I even wanted to live. It's going to be hell... living without my children, knowing that I was good mom before all this. But one day they are going to be old enough to find me, if they are so inclined and I want to be here for them to find. (Well, not here, obviously, since I realized between last night and this morning that this place is definitely not safe.)

This stinks. There is a shelter that I can stay in if I'm willing to say that he was abusive, but I don't want to sink to his level and lie.

What do I do now?

Posted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 12:42 pm
by MaggieC
I think you should file for divorce and obtain what is rightfully yours from the marriage.

Try sticking it out with the relatives until you get yourself on your feet.

These are my opinions only.

Posted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 12:55 pm
by searcher
How is anything rightfully mine? I mean, I know I have personal property in the house, but an officer I spoke with last week said that I would have a chance to get those things at a later date. Other than that, what do you mean?

How do I file for divorce with no money?

How will I even get to see the kids with all this going on? Let alone have any real time with them while they are growing up?

Posted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 5:39 pm
by MaggieC
In most states, everything acquired during the marriage is community property.
Bank accounts, real estate, retirement funds, pensions, etc.

Get yourself to a legal aid office and ask about divorce proceedings.

Please, do not be a victim, be a strong.

Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 6:21 pm
by katgotsteve

i am not sure about your state, but most that i know of have community properties laws. meaning what yours is his and his is yours until clarified by law.

i also want to share a story with you to ponder.

i married a man 11 years my senior with 3 kids from his first marriage. i was 19 and he was 30. his boys were 5, 7 and 9 when we met. when we were dating and just thinking about moving in together, about 9 months into our relationship, my husband's x decided to drop the 5 and 7 year old boys off with a note. saying she couldnt feed then anymore and she was tired of caring for them. she was also moving in with a b/f and there was no room them. the oldest child had a SSI check so she kept him.
for months i was harrassed and belittled by the mother, she wouldnt keep the boys while me or my husband worked, she didnt pay child support (my husband was paying it to her even though we had the boys) the 7 y/o was the worst he threatened and assualted me. everytime i got on to them they call their mom and the drama continued. after about a year i became pregnant with my first child. boy did it get worse,the mother would call all hours of the night and threaten me and the baby. when my due date came near and i was spending alot of time in the hospital, she wouldnt take the boys becuase he words were that she hoped i died and the baby. the day i had the baby she came and picked the boys up and my husband didnt see them for almost two years. she flat refused. i personally thought that my husband should fight, but he said it would blow up in his face (it did so many times before in court). so for two years we lived our lives seperately, then one day she drops them off again. same thing again, just they are now older. the youngest has never given us a hassle, so i shouldnt lump him in with his brother. now the middle one is 11, 6 ft tall and doing drugs. he decides that he doesnt like me telling him what to do in our house, so he beats me in the face. broken nose, black eyes, the works. then he calls CPS on me because when i was trying to get him off me, i scratched his neck...funny right.
needless to say my husband had to make a choice. the son said he choose me above him. so he has not spoken to my husband since that night, he is now 24. the youngest son, lived with us until he was 12, but we were strict parents. you had to go to school, you had to keep grades up, chores, you know all the mean things parents do. he went to live with his mom, he quit school and just really didnt do alot with his mind (he is really smart). well, he is now 20 and has thanked both me and his dad for showing him things when he was younger.

the reason i tell this story is in hopes that you will take something from it. though you may not have money, you should still fight for your children. you have every right to see them, you have every right to be in their life. what you could be faced with are children who have been poisoined against you. my stepsons were in the same situation, but one chose to be bitter and one chose to rise above it all. you should rise above it. no situation is worth burying your head in the ground and your heart should be screaming even more.
get an attorney, make the SOB pay it. some attorneys will take cases like this esp since you were a stay at home mom and make the court order the other spouse to pay.
is your name on the bank account? go get you some money is half yours.


Posted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 5:32 pm
by searcher

He refused to put my name on anything. It was like I didn't exist once I married him. He wanted the traditional stay at home wife and mother. Well, he got it. Now he wants nothing to do with me.

I don't know where to turn. I feel like I've fallen off the face of the earth.

I thought he was such a good guy.

I know nothing about divorce, my rights. I don't even know where I'll be sleeping tomorrow night. Meanwhile, he's sleeping on sheets that only I changed for the last four years. He's eating food that I put away (he usually didn't even know what was there). He's in a house that I took care of top to bottom and he just cast me aside.

I feel like garbage. I go back and forth between being pissed off and giving up.

I want my family back. I want my husband and my babies and our home and even that dang dog that I usually couldn't stand. I even miss th heck out of her.

Where do you turn when you have nothing and no one?

Posted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 5:33 pm
by searcher
How do I make him pay for anything?