How Do You Move Past the Paranoia?

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How Do You Move Past the Paranoia?

Postby HappyMommyx4 » Sun Jan 25, 2009 11:23 pm

I know many many of you have delt with this. My case is close to being over with. The children were not removed and the state attorney is ok with their Dad having an slow integration back into their lives. I am still living in another state. The attorney had said she was going to dismiss the case against me and offer my husband a diversion program. At the disposition she offered us both a diversion program. My attorney said not to take it, we can get it dismissed at trial. My husband's situation is a bit different but he too is not taking diversion and will go to trail. Both attorneys are confident it will be dismissed before then. The judge suggested both sides submit a motion for dismissal. The case is not to remove the children but to place us in court supervised parenting (where they stay in the home but the kids are closely monitored). My lawyer is extremely confident that the case will be dismissed. The judge has not even requested anything of us and has not even told my husband he cannot see the kids. My attorney said the judge is just not concerned about us. Our CPS investigator has recommended the case be dropped but the attorney is not yet willing to do that, go figure.

So here I am, almost at the end of this road. My husband's criminal case has been dropped and he is returning to normal duty. I live 3000 miles away and will continue to do so until everything is settled and my kids finish this school year.

I am scared to punish my kids (I do NOT spank). I am scared of saying anything that could be taken badly at the doctors office. I am scared that when I am walking around wal-mart I might not be holding my 3-year-olds hand tight enough. My son went sledding and had several huge bruises on him, I was scared to send him to school. My son had a seizure on Friday night, we don't know why. I called 9-1-1 immediately and was with him every second in the ER. They believe it is because a medication he takes reached toxic levels even though he is taking it as prescribed. His psychiatrist simply lowered the dose and will monitor him over the next few weeks. He said I did nothing wrong. We were in the hospital over night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. The nurse kept telling me that my son was ok and I should get some sleep. Little did she know that I was TERRIFIED that a social worker would walk in at any minute. We have had to move away from our home because of this and my 3-year-old is not speaking. I am scared to death of talking to her pediatrician about it (I will of course! but that doesn't mean it doesn't scare me). My children are all in counseling and the counselor sees no reason to see them because they are all doing great.

How did you move past the paranoia? How did you start to feel like you could actually discipline your children (again, I do not spank and don't believe you should hit a child unless they get to hit you back). I am so glad that my kids are doing well but it is me having the nightmares that the doorbell rings at 3AM and it is THAT WOMAN here to take my children.

Now that I have seen how any little thing can be twisted, I am just scared to do anything but breathe. I use to take a bubble bath with my 3-year-old daughter (youngest of 4) and now I don't because I am afraid someone might find that inappropriate.

Excuse my very long post, I know some of you must have felt this way. :oops:

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Re: How Do You Move Past the Paranoia?

Postby Momoffor » Mon Jan 26, 2009 8:16 am

HappyMommyx4 wrote:How did you move past the paranoia? How did you start to feel like you could actually discipline your children (again, I do not spank and don't believe you should hit a child unless they get to hit you back). I am so glad that my kids are doing well but it is me having the nightmares that the doorbell rings at 3AM and it is THAT WOMAN here to take my children.

You dont. The paranoia will always be there. My case was closed 5 years ago, and I still carry with me residual paranoia and I always will. There are days that I take my kids to the ER or to medical for stupid idiotic stuff that I used to never bat an eye about before. Just to have it documented of what happened so if the school gets a burr up their butts, it will get squashed REAL fast.

A few months after my case was closed, my 2nd son who always gives me a run for my money was doing helicopter spins in the living room (even though he knows he wasnt supposed to do stuff like that in the house) He got dizzy and fell down with the side of his face hitting a marble top table. He had a nice shiner to show for it. I had to sit there and decide if I was going to send him to school and risk them freaking out, or keep him home until it went away. I was screwed either way. Dont send him and to CPS, Im hiding something. Send him and to CPS Im beating him. Thank goodness the school knew my son was a wild one and the nurse was used to him, so when the teacher sent him to her to 'talk about the marks' The nurse asked what happened and he told her "I got hit". She knew he was a story teller and asked the right questions about how he got hit, so she finally got the whole story out of him and told him that maybe he should listen to me more often.

Another time it was over the dog nipping him on the cheek when he has been told a million times to leave the dog alone and not stick his face in his face. He got nipped, and of course the teacher sent him to the office. The nurses assistant was the one who talked to him and kept drilling him asking if my ring did that to him when I hit him. Then kept telling him it was 'ok to just tell her the truth'. The actual nurse came in and stopped what the other was doing (thank gawd) got the story, and told my son he needed to listen to me more!

My other son (same school) fell off his bike and scraped his wrist on the sidewalk. It was nothing major at all. Neosporin and a band aid and that was just to appease him, not because it really needed a band aid (he even puts bandaids on bruises) Teacher saw the mark, sent him to the nurse, same assistant met with him and started drilling him about how he got the burn. Did I do it to punish him. It was ok, he was in a safe place blah blah. She then called me and told me that she was 'concerned' about the major burn on his arm and how I needed to seek medical attention. because of my CPS paranoia, I got to the school within a few minutes of her call, went into the office and reemed her for being an idiot in not being able to tell the difference between road rash and a BURN. In the middle of it, the nurse came in because of the commotion I had caused, looked at my sons arm, and informed ms little know it all it was a scrape, not a burn and it didnt require medical attention in any way, what I did was more than enough. (The pre-CPS me would have laughed at her and ignored her for being an idiot)

The paranoia sucks, but at the same time, it keeps you on your toes so you can be proactive instead of blindsided. It changes the way you trust people as well. Being military and moving all the time, I dont let people get close to us as a family anymore. I dont want to risk pissing someone off who turns out to be a nut job and calling CPS for revenge. My front door stays locked even when we are in the house so that no nosy social worker can waltz their way in. My kids can recite that they will not talk to anyone without their lawyer or parent present. Before my husband took orders here, I checked into how 'infamous' the CPS system was here before I was willing to bring my kids to this state.

The paranoia after it closes is still there, but it is nothing like the paranoia of when the case is open, or the 'probation time' after the case is closed. All it takes is one crazy person, or one lie, and it spins out of control into a tangled web that you cant get out of because the lies just continue to flow, when the actual truth can be explained away easily.

The paranoia is that of a victim, you never fully get over it, but you have to go on.

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Postby HappyMommyx4 » Mon Jan 26, 2009 3:19 pm

Thank you for your sweet post, I feel a little less crazy. And I too am already feeling that in the future it will be harder to make friends as we move from base to base. How many times have I begun a friendship only to realize the person was a nut? Way too many! I have seen soooooooooo many bored wives call CPS on a neighbor just because the neighbor pissed them off. I had a neighbor at our last post who let her 2-year-old daughter run around outside with no supervision, diaper sagging between her legs, and the child was just filthy. I called CPS on them, out of concern for the child when one of my friends almost ran over her when she was playing outside alone. No one ever even came to check on that little girl. Go figure. But you upset a neighbor and then give any little reason to make anyone think you might even possibly be a bad parent and you know they may do that. And in the military they can call your command then the command call CPS or FAP. I had a friend very briefly who I thought was very sweet, then I found out any time she got angry with a friend she would take the problem to the soldiers command. I ended that friendship in a HURRY. Wives get bored during these loooong deployments and the stupidity and vindictive behavior begins.

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Postby Trisha G » Mon Jan 26, 2009 9:26 pm

Sometimes I think they only check out vindicative calls. I've called before on a family who really needed the help and nothing was done. (of course this was before becoming a victim myself and finding out what kind of "help" they offer)
Now, I'm scared they'll come knocking because we pissed the kid off who was renting our trailer. It doesn't matter that there's nothing wrong with any of our kids and that the house is clean. It doesn't even matter that the baby has plenty of safe, clean space to play. I know all to well a second call within a year would put us on their watchlist, and even if they find nothing, they won't leave us alone. I also live in fear of the baby hurting himself badly enough to need to go to the e.r. He's 1, and working on learning to walk, I want to outfit him in a crash helmet, chest protector and knee and elbow pads, just so he doesn't get hurt.

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Postby debbiescalese » Tue Jan 27, 2009 4:58 am

I think plainly put this is what happens when families are put through this crap. It's like PTSD, it is PTSD. It's even worse when your falsely accused. I had a worker from a contract agency say to me one time" it took you 2 years to get through this case it will take you at least that long to get past it if you ever do" I worry about everything now. If I have too much laundry which with 7 in the house that is over a load a day, I'm afraid they will come knocking. If the kids mess up the house I'm freaking out. If I just serve left overs or tv dinners I'm afraid the kids will say something and it will start another investigation. My kid cuts up in school I'm afraid they will be back. My daughter slid in the snow the other day and bruised her butt I freaked out. It's crazy. I don't think any of this will go away. I'm not a better parent for having gone through this I'm a worse parent. I tend to put more effort into little stupid things than big things that are important. Maybe some people benifit from cps but I've never met a child or adult who has.

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Postby HappyMommyx4 » Tue Jan 27, 2009 1:30 pm

I agree Debbie. I am not a better parent, I am a paranoid parent. My house was always clean, that was not an issue. But now I am far less likely to skip washing the dinner dishes to have more reading time with the kids. I am less likely to grab McDonalds and sit at a park and eat and then play.

My husband is military and this happened in the state we are currently stationed in. The children are in my custody but we moved out of state until this is settled. My lawyer says everything is almost done, my husband has done far more than has even been asked of him. I am scared to death to go back to the same state even once it is all dropped. I feel like there will forever be a bulls eye over my head in that state. Once it is dropped and he can see the children again I wish he would ask for a reassignment so we can live in another state and I can breathe a little easier. Not to mention the fact that Florida has the reputation for having the worst DCFS in the country! They could send us to any hole in the wall assignment, I don't care, just send us somewhere that I can sleep at night and not be worried to death all the time.

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Postby eyeq181 » Wed Jan 28, 2009 3:37 am

I know when my kids come home. I am planning on keeping them inside for a year til my case is closed. Alot of video games. Til I move the heck out of this state.

Anyone ever here of the invisable parent or am I the only one out there. I would be sitting on my step and my kids would be playing in the yard. Next thing you know the cops would show up questioning my kids rathing or not I am out was out there the whole time which I was on each 4 calls that were made. There was a time my husband and I were drawing with sidewalk chalk with out kids and the cops showed up. Saying we went out there but we were. There was even a call when I was putting my kids in the car and they said my kids were in my car alone. I was dropping my middle child off at school and when I pulled up to my house there a cop pulled up behind me. I asked him which kid do you think is driving. Since my van has only one was to get in, my kids can't do it. 3 handles have been broken for the past 2 years.

So I am moving as soon as I can.
Parents spend so much time teaching our kids not to go with strangers or talk to strangers, and no to show your body to strangers. And this is what CPS-DHS is all about.

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Postby Momoffor » Wed Jan 28, 2009 9:54 pm

HappyMommyx4 wrote: Wives get bored during these loooong deployments and the stupidity and vindictive behavior begins.

When we were stationed in Hawaii years ago, Family advocacy showed up at my house saying they got a call about my house being 'filthy'. I knew exactly who it was that called (wasnt a wife but a single AD mom of 1 child and someone I THOUGHT was a friend before that).

At this time, I had 4 kids ages 4-newborn, I was a stay at home mom with my husband on deployment. The lady came in and told me that obviously I had a house with 4 kids as she had 4 kids and KNEW what a house with several youngesters looks like (AKA daycare center play area playtime lol) The only thing that was in disarray was scattered toys in the living room which I had sectioned off for one side of the room to house the 'playroom'. After seeing the living room, she told me not to worry about anything, obviously the person that called knew nothing about having children present in a home.

So when CPS came around YEARS later, I didnt bat an eye, they would come in and see there was nothing to see here and it would be done. OH NO ....lies are so much more fun for CPS.

The person that called on me worked all day long and sent her one child to day care all day. They had a 3 bedroom house in housing so the one child ended up having a whole bedroom converted into a playroom so the toys never went into this womans living room and the LR was always spic and span, but that playroom always looked like holy hell. (which a playroom would during the day). Unfortunately, we didnt have that luxury with a 4 bedroom house and 4 kids, our LR was the playroom, (which made life easier anyhow so I could cook, clean and keep an eye on the kids all at the same time!).

But you are correctomundo, bored WOMEN in housing are a pain in the arse. They sit on their porches and talk their junk and next thing you know, something is going on and you are the target of something you have no idea what you did to deserve.

(Its not just base housing either, our nightmare began while we were living out in town with whack job living across the street...KARMA KARMA KARMA, thats what I have to keep telling myself about her and the caseworkers. Karma ...

THe last base housing we lived in, I was outside getting something from my car and witnessed CPS coming in and removing children from the home. It was such a sickening feeling and was a bit after our case was closed, but back to the paranoia, I knew they werent there about us, but I still went and got my kids from the backyard and the park and made them come inside until CPS and the police were gone.

I always get anxious whenever I see a car with CPS stickers on the side. I could be in the next town over, and I get this feeling of dread and wanting to account for all of my kids right then and there. (They are teenagers now, so they 'hang out' with their friends at the parks or whatnot, but I still have to call them and make sure they are ok. (I never lost my kids, even though I got the usual threats they possibly could if I didnt 'comply' and they made sure to mention that every time I spoke to the troll).

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Postby HappyMommyx4 » Tue Feb 03, 2009 12:21 am

Yep, I haven't lost mine and at this point there isn't even a threat. My house has always been clean but if you want to nit-pick you can find something worng in ANY home. They said in an affidavit that our was was inadequate. My lawyer's response was....if a $350,000 home with 2400 square feet is not adequate for these children how is a foster home going to be?" :lol:

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Postby Momoffor » Tue Feb 03, 2009 4:31 pm

Im surprised CPS didnt throw in there it was a rental house so doesnt count because its not YOURS.

They are just so evil and spiteful.

In a long military move drama,

When we got to the duty station, no housing open. Had to go out in town, at the time, housing would pay for you to move from civ. housing into base housing once it was avail. My husband was in Iraq, housing said they did away with that clause so refused to pay.

I had already accepted housing, had already given landlord notice, had already started getting everythign ready fr the move, it was like a few weeks until we had to be in housing and out of the townhouse we were renting that they decided to refuse to move us. I got husbands command to write a 'conv. of the military letter to get the move that way. Personal property accused me of forging a document and made a HUGE scene. Refused to give me my paper work back. Told me she was calling the command to let them know I had this letter. (duh dummy, they wrote it for one and for another, they were on a carrier. Yah, go ahead and make that call....ROFL ...see how far you get with it DUMBASS!)

Anyhow, in her zeal to be an ass to me, and by turning copies of my letter over to the legal dept and her supervisor, it was brought to the attention of the Navy what housing was doing. We should have been grandfathered as we got on the housing list in July, and they did away with paying for the moves in Oct. It took personal propertys legal dept going after the legal dept of housing to challenge it. (I was told typically the command challenges it, but since the command was in Iraq, pers. prop. legal acted on behalf of the command.

In the meantime, I was trying to figure out what I could fit in my car, what my kids and I could carry on our own because I was preparing to do this move on my own. I was going to have to leave all furniture behind ect. I had already started packing stuff myself and sorting so I had stuff everywhere!. I got the call from pers. prop that my move was going to be in (I think it was 2 days) days so get ready! Yay, or so I thought!

I spent all day redoing what I had been doing. (I had drug everything from storage into the itsy bitsy townhouse to sort through needs and wants before that call and had stuff all over the damn place. Cps came that night and had a hay day about my 'messy house'. (I am a complusive clean freak in a big bad way and always have been!)

The worker told me I was lucky I didnt have an infant or toddler because she would have to remove them if I did, since my house was so dangerous and not kiddy proofed!! (this would be legos amd marbles on the floor in my at the time pre teen sons room that sparked that comment)! WTF???? No one told me that I had to have a baby proofed house when my kids were no where close to even toddler age!!!

I went the next morning to the CPS office to talk to the supervisor and explain how a military move works and what is required, and the situation ect, since it was all explainable. I even invited her and any case workers to come the next AM to watch the move in progress. I was told they know ALL about military and moving. What I didnt realize is she was 'monitoring' me interact with my son the whole time. When I got a copy of the file report, it states nothing but LIES ....she even put conversations in there that we never had, claimed I had told her stuff that wasnt true to begin with, nor ever will be. The supervisor flowed with lies!! (that got no where and with her added lies she made me look even more horrible than what I was trying to explain wasnt what they thought it was!

Turned out that someone with a deplorable house doesnt have pristine white furniture, prinstine white tile floor, and their kitchedn doesnt have spotless counters, floors or appliances. So I was told it was dropped and they werent 'founding' anything at all about my house.

YET,,,(here is the kicker)_ They used the 'house' against me for parenting skills, but when I appealed, I wasnt allowed to argue that at all since it wasnt one of the allegations. I was not allowed to PROVE that it was untrue, which it was easily provable, yet they
used it as 'evidence' against me. (Hell every time I tried to bring it up or raise an objection when they mentioned it, I was cut off by the hearing officer and told that he wont listen to any dispute from me concerning the matter since the house wasnt one of the charges of nelgect. CPS was never told to stop mentioning it as 'evidence'! NICE huh??!!! Damn crack heads.

Heck the instructions for the appeal state that if one loses control or gets aggressive, the hearing officer will call the meeting to a close. (that means parents only by the way). He did nothing to stop the case worker when she was pounding on the table and screaming at me during the hearing, and when I brought it up, in the final report, it states that she didnt behave irrationally. (I had called her and her supervisor on their lies and thats what got her going in her fit of anger. The truth hurts)

Round and round we go!

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Postby HappyMommyx4 » Wed Feb 04, 2009 10:52 am

Wow, This makes me realize that we have gotten off easy compared to a lot of you. Of course it isn't over yet but the CPI wrote a ltter to the court supporting dismissing the case and the judge said yesterday that she plans to dismiss next week (one attorney was sick and unavailable yesterday).

In the Army they still pay us to move on post or they provide movers. Normally I do the move myself and make several thousand dollars profit off it. The economic gain usually makes it worth it for me to just do it. This last time the CPI knew I was moving on post, my husband was not allowed to see us so he couldn't help, so I used the movers. They finished moving us on a Friday and the appointment with the CPI was on Monday. The bedrooms were set up, kids rooms unpacked, kitchen set up and organized, food in the fridge, but there were still a lot of boxes. The first thing out of her mouth was "why didn't you have the movers unpack you? You should have had the movers unpack you!" Well chic, the movers unpack you by dumping the boxes out and then I would have had everything out all over the place. I felt it would be better to leave things in boxes and do it myself so that everything was contained and safer for the kids. Our base house was a LOT smaller than our rental of course. She also told me I should have told housing that I had kids because then they wouldn't have put me in a house on stilts. How STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course housing knew how many kids I have! And all of the houses are on stilts because the houses are 1/8 a mile from Tampa Bay. Then she had the nerve to show me her military ID to prove that she knew what she was talking about AND tell mer her husband is an E8. Yes, and that gives you allllllll the expertise in the world sweety.

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Postby Momoffor » Fri Feb 06, 2009 12:16 am

HappyMommyx4 wrote: Then she had the nerve to show me her military ID to prove that she knew what she was talking about AND tell mer her husband is an E8. Yes, and that gives you allllllll the expertise in the world sweety.

She and her husband could get into a great deal of trouble for using her husbands rank to try to gain clout. That is a BIG TSK TSK, I dont care what the heck the branch is.

I thought you said the random VA person the caseworker brought with her was the one that said she was the military dep, and the caseworker had a hard time getting on base without a pass. (aka ID)

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Postby Greegor » Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:07 pm

When you're military and on-base does that situation
automatically forfeit your right against their search
of your home?

The most successful single piece of advice from
any Family Rights group has been to to politely
ask them if they have a signed search warrant
and if they don't, refuse the caseworker entry to
your home, ask for whatever information they
can give you about the nature of the complaint
BUT refuse to discuss the case without your
attorney present.

HSLDA recently had a case where a caseworker
resorted to telling the family a LIE about having one.
The judge in the civil rights suit refused to dismiss, too.

Does your state have a written CPS standard
for home inspections?

They do these home inspections without any
actual standard. We burned them on it here in Iowa.
They didn't even want to come up with standards
for our case, terrified it would set a legal precident
and their rotten deception on that would be over.

They intimidate people withn their officious
act but the emporer isn't wearing any clothes.
They try to con you into letting them into
your home ""just to talk"" and you are legally
not obligated to put up with either.

If you let them in you are forfeiting your
constitutional right against unreasonable
search and seizure.

Proper legal searches under the 4th amendment
are to be very specific, as in conforming to a
written standard for a home inspection.

Home inspections without official standards for
a home inspection are "fishing expeditions".
As such they are unreasonable search and seizure.
But if you WILLINGLY let them in they
have not violated your 4th amendment rights.

Stop beating yourself up thinking your home
doesn't meet some standards.

They don't HAVE any standards!

If any states CPS DOES have standards for a home
inspection please post a link, I'd love to read them.

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Postby Momoffor » Mon Feb 23, 2009 11:34 pm

Greegor wrote:When you're military and on-base does that situation automatically forfeit your right against their search
of your home?

No, but if you dont let them, it can reflect on the military service members career. Once the command gets involved, it can get ugly and compliance ordered.

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Postby Greegor » Tue Feb 24, 2009 9:16 pm

How ironic that on base housing for US military
is less secure as far as 4th amendment rights
against unreasonable search and seizure!

Soldier's oath is primarily to defend the constitution.

But I was afraid of that.

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Postby Momoffor » Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:28 am

Greegor wrote:Soldier's oath is primarily to defend the constitution.

A soliders oath is to his/her country, not your family. As a service member, your first dedication is to your country. There was a saying I was told right after I had joined the Navy. Your family doesnt come in your seabag. Or you werent issued a family by Uncle Sam.

Nothing is to stand in the way of that oath to country, ESPECIALLY not a family! Furthermore, when you enlist in the military, you are now the property of government. Hell when I was going to the schooling down in Florida after basic training, if you went to the beach and got a sunburn that was so bad it required medical treatment, you could be charged with destruction to government property.

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