Advice please, very sensitive topic

[Sunnysummerdays]

Hi, this is quite complex and sensitive.

My husband was arrested after child pornography was found on his computer. He had (stupidly) used a peer to peer file sharing website to download bundles of regular porn and there were pictures and videos of minors included. He never intentionally searched for them. And he deleted them once he knew what they were. However he's now facing possession charges. After his arrest, dcf got involved. He has a child by his ex wife who we saw two weekends a month and two evenings a week for dinner. All three of us get on well and are really happy with the way things were going. His child is happy and healthy, doing well in school, is well adjusted and enjoys time with us and is used to the schedule after the divorce 3 years ago. The problem started when dcf swept in to do a Sexual Abuse Interview (SAIN?) on his child after his arrest. We all cooperated fully as we all understand the dcf needed to ensure his child hadn't been abused and we could understand given the charges that they would be concerned. We adamantly stated no abuse had ever happened as he wasn't interested in children sexually. It was no surprise that the SAIN interview concluded no evidence or disclosures of abuse. So we thought that would be the end of it.

Oh no. Not at all.

They did an investigation and supported a finding of "Neglect". We were told that we couldn't fight it as the finding was a necessary result of the charges. We said how can the child be neglected if she has had nothing to do with the charges?! We were told he "clearly" abused the child and they needed to keep the file open so as to give time for disclosures. What the hell?!!! We stated (stupidly) if they thought it was a case for abuse why didn't they find anuse and not neglect. The social worker said "oh so now you're cooperating and admitting the abuse" we said "no not at all. There has been no abuse. The charges have nothing to do with his relationship with his child". But that's not acceptable to them.

The investigation happened in December last year. We heard nothing after that for several weeks despite trying to find out what was going on.

Fast forward to March of this year. The social worker was supposed to do 3 assessments at our home, according to his own words. He did one. Then a month later he came to our house again. He sat on our couch, grinning, saying he had the Safety Plan and Service Plan and "we weren't going to like them". Grinning??? What the hell?!?!?

He talked us through the Safety Plan first. It was extremely poorly written with several incredible factual errors. They basically said my husband was a pedophile who had sexually abused children including his child. Thus he was not allowed to see his child without at least one other adult present (I don't count as his spouse because of spousal privilege.)

Then came the Service Plan. Again they labeled him a Pedophile and said he had to commit indefinitely to specialized treatment for men who are sexually oriented towards and sexually abuse treatment. He cannot ever be alone with his child (and if I'm there it's still considered "alone"). He has to have evaluations. He has to provide releases for his medical records and psych records. The way it's written is awful, inflammatory and again littered with errors.

My Tasks on the Service Plan are equally crazy. I need evaluation. What for??!! I need to go to a dcf approved training program to learn about sexual abuse so I can "be the eyes and ears of dcf and report regularly the behavior of my husband and my stepchild". I was verbally threatened that if I didn't comply and admit to being the spouse of a child sex abuser I would lose my green card. What the hell???!!

Our lawyer is on the case now and has said DO NOT SIGN anything. We do have to comply with the tasks to a point. We are happy to do whatever is required of us BY LAW to prove there has been no anuse and there is no risk to his child! Evaluations thus far (as part of his criminal case) have shown NO indicators of pedophilia. We are hoping the reports will satisfy dcf and get them off our backs.

The final proof of the lies and incompetence of dcf is he social worker said several times he's going to be happy to close the case in 6 months if we sign all the forms and releases this week. We are not stupid. The forms etc are inaccurate, to the point of being insanely bad!!!! They also basically serve as an admission of guilt to things my husband HAS NOT DONE! Why would we sign anything that states things that are not just untrue, but would also destroy us as a family forever?!?!

I would really appreciate any help and advice from others who have been rough this kind of hell.

My husband is literally killing himself with stress and anger and sadness. As am I. He never sought out child porn and he's cooperating with the police and courts. He admitted to downloading the porn and has accepted he was responsible for downloading the child porn too as part of the bundles. He didn't know it was there and he did not search for it. It's such a grey area of law though as he's held responsible for possession no matter what.

Any help would be appreciated.

[Sunnysummerdays]

I just wanted to add, his ex is furious with dcf too and states constantly that she's convinced of zero abuse and wants her child to have as normal a relationship with her father as possible. His ex and I both get on great and we hate that the dcf have the power to destroy a father like this.

Another thing too is the social worker won't sit down with my husband, his ex, and I all at the same time to discuss the case. He says he needs separation to ensure the truth comes out. He hates that we all talk and share info. We don't think we are doing wrong. We all want the same thing: to show we are all on the same team when it comes to the safety and well being of the child. The social worker said we cannot be on the same team as it then makes us all abusers.

Seriously I cannot believe the things that come out of his mouth. He says so many ridiculous things and we cannot record him or take notes as he speaks as apparently that's wrong. We can wrote things after he has left. It's incredible.

[Sunnysummerdays]

We are basically being treated like we have no rights at all.

They haven't taken the child into their custody. We are terrified it'll happen though.

[thepenguinpitt]

Im sorry to hear your family is dealing with the same BS as so many others. I know it is shocking to to you that this is happening and the things they are saying but you have to realize this is the typical fashion in which child protective services operates. You need to stop listening to them, and stop believing anything they tell you. Do not cooperate with them any further. You have done nothing wrong nor has your husband and instead of you trying to prove it you need to start making them try to prove it. Tell them you are not cooperating with them any further and if they think you actually did something wrong they need to file criminal abuse charges and take it to a trial. Do not sign anything at all for them and do not agree to any safety plan. They will threaten you with all kinds of things but just smile and say lets take it to trial. The only thing they are after is the money they get for the so called services and evaluations they force upon you. Unless there is a court order saying you cants see the child continue with things the way they were and tell CPS to get lost.

[whosechildrenarethey]

Look up your State's definitions for child abuse/neglect - sexual abuse etc... There you will find the statutory language of what they will have to prove in court against whomever it is CPS has substantiated the neglect allegation on. Dependency court uses "preponderance of the evidence" as their standard so basically 51%...

Keep a journal documenting any and all contact with CPS. Mark it "For My Attorney 's Eyes Only". This link will take you to a page that will help fill in some blanks about CPS and how they operate: http://familyrights.us/how_to/fight_cps.html

Often times when CPS has a weak case, rather than remove the children, CPS will try to rush/coerce parents into signing a safety plan. Don't do it, it's a trap. If they get parent's to sign a safety plan - they never have to prove their allegations in court. Think of their Safety Plan and or Case Plans as the lynch pin CPS can use later to justify TPR should they choose to go that route. Please understand, if you fail to cooperate with CPS there will likely be repercussions.

If you've received a substantiation of neglect letter use it to begin putting together your Declaration of Facts so that you have it at the dependency hearing should CPS attempt to remove your children. Make sure to say nothing incriminating in the Declaration. Most parents end up in dependency court at the shelter hearing totally dazed and confused and unprepared. Use this time to get your objections, corrections and declaration of facts together and ready in case a shelter hearing is needed. Facts alleged by CPS that go on the record (If they remove the children they will file a Petition with the court containing their allegations against you), and not denied, disputed, or rebutted can not be denied later. Your Declaration and objections now will protect your appeal later should you need to file one.

Try to find your States Child Welfare Policy and Procedure Manual online. Make sure they are playing by their own rules.

[Sunnysummerdays]

Thank you both for your replies.

Our lawyer has said do not sign anything. We are compiling a Statement of Facts and we will continue to nod, smile and grit our teeth. The social worker was supposed to call us 2 weeks ago to talk about progress visitation wise. Not heard a peep. I know he had a baby on his file die at the weekend so I think he's probably busy trying to dig himself out of a hole. He's unbelievably disorganized and manipulative from the evidence this far. We have zero faith in his or the dcf ability to protect our child better than we could. So many children in our town dcf files have died lately. Tragic and scary.