Who Am I

How does one recover from trauma and PTSD? This area is for people who have been attacked by CPS and are having a hard time getting over it.

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survivorsofcps
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Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Wed Oct 10, 2012 6:22 pm

SInce ElJay brought it up I do not know how to address this.
I've always seen myself as the unwanted adopted/foster child and not much else?
What would people want to know about who I am?
I've always struggled with this. Anyone have any advice on this.

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Eljay
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Re: Who Am I

Postby Eljay » Wed Oct 10, 2012 6:39 pm

I hope that you would see yourself as more that the unfortunate turn in your life. The reality, though, is that foster care, adoption, divorce, abuse, etc. all have a HUGE impact on the formation of a person's self image. It really chaps my a$$ that foster parents treat children like a source of income, just getting paid to babysit, not doing anything to help the person become strong, independent adults. Some do, but my pessimistic voice is telling me that far too many foster parents don't treat the children like family, don't give them personal guidance, don't inspire them to succeed, don't push them towards college and successful lives. Isn't the statistic that something like 80% of prisoners were foster kids?

It can be tragic, but you shouldn't let it define you. Become who you want to be and redefine yourself. It's a lot to overcome, but you have spirit and intelligence... I would hope you see yourself as so much more.
Advice & opinions provided are no substitute for genuine legal assistance. Laws & rules vary by state/jurisdiction so do your homework and get
an education in CPS laws, rules & practices so that you can FIGHT for your children's rights. I am not a lawyer. Your mileage may vary.

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survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Wed Oct 10, 2012 9:05 pm

To some degree I do but not completely.
I'm also a mother and wife.
I am also a Christian.
I've always excelled at school, except for when I did not try.
I even thought about being a social worker. Yet when I thought about it I did not want to be what I had come to hate. Even if I got it right the majority of the time still what about the percentage that I got wrong? I did not want to be a hypocrite. So I decided against it.
I still struggle with things like trusting people, bad moods, and forming close relationships. I am so self conscious of people and thinking that they are judging me. I especially worry about how my children feel about me. I find myself constantly asking them if they are happy. Do they love me? It has sort of become a game to them. I say momma's gonna love you to you pop. Then love on them til they say pop.
I fear that in some way I might push them away because of what I went through. I fear being to strict. So I tend to be too lenient. Most of all I fear someone using my medical condition to try to steal my kids from me. Anytime they are away from me for any reason its like I'm holding my breath until they come back home, even if they are just at school.
I will never drink or do drugs. Yet, I still fear being accused of not being a good parent. My kids don't really know or understand any of it. I love them to pieces. I just want to protect them from what I had to go through.

noroses4u2c
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Re: Who Am I

Postby noroses4u2c » Fri Oct 12, 2012 6:51 am

I think it is normal what you are going through. You were essentially abducted from your parents. That is a very traumatic thing for a child to go through. And I have never met a therapist yet that understood. If the child were abducted from a regular stranger then the child's pain might be acknowledged, but if the child is abducted by a stranger in the government then no therapist understands that it is just as traumatic.

It was also extremely traumatic for your parents. Your mother longed to hold you all of her days. Losing your children like that creates a hole in you that nothing could ever fix.

Society does not even acknowledge the pain that is created for either the parents or the children.

Most children that were taken shouldn't have ever been taken. It is a cash cow for the government to steal children from the poor and send them to live with wealthier people. Most that I've known that were taken were taken for stupid reasons like a sink full of dirty dishes or everyday problems like the parents are grieving the loss of a loved one. Out of all the dozens of cases I have known not a single case couldn't have been solved without removing the children. And every single parent jumped through the hoops to get their children back. Not a single parent ever did. They never intend to return the children. It is all a facade.

You should write a book about your ordeal. People need to hear the stories of the trauma before anyone wakes up. It is your decision though. Don't do it if you don't want to do it.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I know you're hurting. You need a hug.
My child was abducted by the government. They demanded a ransom (the case plan). I paid the ransom and my child was kept anyway. It isn't much different from stranger abduction except that the government uses its power to make the abduction legal and unpunishable.

survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Fri Oct 12, 2012 7:21 am

"If the child were abducted from a regular stranger then the child's pain might be acknowledged, but if the child is abducted by a stranger in the government then no therapist understands that it is just as traumatic.

It was also extremely traumatic for your parents. Your mother longed to hold you all of her days. Losing your children like that creates a hole in you that nothing could ever fix.

Society does not even acknowledge the pain that is created for either the parents or the children."


Whats worse is they actually expect us to be grateful. Maybe if the real parents were abusive I could understand being grateful but mine weren't To me the adoptive parents who say i should be grateful are adding insult to injury by saying I should be grateful to my "adoptive parents"(kidnappers) :evil:

survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Fri Oct 12, 2012 7:42 am

by the way I am writing a book about it. :)

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Eljay
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Re: Who Am I

Postby Eljay » Fri Oct 12, 2012 10:35 am

survivorsofcps wrote:Whats worse is they actually expect us to be grateful. Maybe if the real parents were abusive I could understand being grateful but mine weren't To me the adoptive parents who say i should be grateful are adding insult to injury by saying I should be grateful to my "adoptive parents"(kidnappers) :evil:


If you want people to read, hear and agree with you, you've got to stop "painting with a broad brush." There *are* situations where children SHOULD be taken from their parent(s), or their parents are incapacitated (whether by drugs, crippling injury/illness or death) who CPS justly takes custody of, and those family members, foster and/or adoptive parents who take them in and love them like their own. Yes, those children should be grateful, but that sense of gratitude should come from within, when they are old enough to grasp and appreciate what was done for them (sometimes it takes having kids of your own to get there). It should not be promoted by the parents (that's self-serving) or dictated by others.

If you call adoptive parents "kidnappers" you are going to alienate a lot of people (me included). The kidnappers are CPS, not the adoptive parents. In fact, many adoptive parents are fed a load of bullshit about the natural parents so that CPS can boost their egos and make them feel as if they are heroes (and CPS feeds their own ego at the same time). Most adoptive parents have the best intentions at heart (it's the career foster parents who are often just in it for the money). If you don't acknowledge those other, good people/situations, then you'll be dismissed. I don't know what the goal of your book is... catharsis? understanding? money? Or do you want to change the system? The system is not entirely corrupt. If you want to implement change by exposing what is wrong with the system, then make a point of acknowledging what *does* work and where it went wrong in your situation, plus how they could have done it right. This will get people thinking, "yeah, it SHOULD be like that so that nobody else gets hurt... how can we make sure that happens?"
Advice & opinions provided are no substitute for genuine legal assistance. Laws & rules vary by state/jurisdiction so do your homework and get
an education in CPS laws, rules & practices so that you can FIGHT for your children's rights. I am not a lawyer. Your mileage may vary.

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survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Fri Oct 12, 2012 1:30 pm

I was referring only to my adoptive parents as kidnappers because they purposely kept me from my mom. Not all adoptive parents. However, they can act like one if they refuse to even investigate why a child was removed and just take the social workers word for it.
"The kidnappers are CPS, not the adoptive parents." In my case it was both in fact my adoptive parents were worse than Cps. at least cps usually allow visits whereas my adoptive parents did not. Just because they wanted the money. which yes they still got long after the adoption was final. Yes with them it was intentional.
catharsis? understanding? money? Or do you want to change the system? ALL of the above. I do address good foster/adoptive parents in my book . I challenge them to find out the whole truth outside of just asking the social worker. I hope that people will understand that this was the case with MY "aparents" and not all a-parents/foster parents.

survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Fri Oct 12, 2012 1:43 pm

If you have enough money to foster/adopt you have enough money to hire a PI for the day to find out the whole story. Tell the PI to be discreet but you want to hear the whole truth. it would not be that hard to get the parents side of the story. If they felt wronged by it then they usually will tell anyone who will listen. Then if the child is old enough balance their story with that of the child.

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Eljay
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Re: Who Am I

Postby Eljay » Fri Oct 12, 2012 1:55 pm

survivorsofcps wrote:If you have enough money to foster/adopt you have enough money to hire a PI for the day to find out the whole story. Tell the PI to be discreet but you want to hear the whole truth. it would not be that hard to get the parents side of the story. If they felt wronged by it then they usually will tell anyone who will listen. Then if the child is old enough balance their story with that of the child.


That's just not realistic. People who are looking to adopt are often desperate, after years of miscarriages and infertility, and are very "Pollyanna" about the whole process. When CPS calls them at 2:00 a.m. and says, "we have a child in need of a home... are you game?" they aren't going to call a PI to investigate before they say yes! Additionally, when CPS is lying to the courts, foster parents, birth parents and themselves, they don't want anybody catching them in their lies so they will put up an "information wall" (claiming "confidentiality rules") so that nobody knows where anybody lives, no names, no specifics, etc. Hiring a PI would only happen if you were suspicious of CPS to begin with, and if you were suspicious of CPS to begin with, you probably wouldn't want to be working with them and letting them delve into every aspect of your life for their foster/adoptive home investigation. People who are suspicious of CPS would be more likely adopt kids from out of the country.
Advice & opinions provided are no substitute for genuine legal assistance. Laws & rules vary by state/jurisdiction so do your homework and get
an education in CPS laws, rules & practices so that you can FIGHT for your children's rights. I am not a lawyer. Your mileage may vary.

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survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Fri Oct 12, 2012 2:25 pm

"then make a point of acknowledging what *does* work and where it went wrong in your situation, plus how they could have done it right."

I have a lot of ideas of how it could be done right! did you only read the first post in my book Eljay?

First I would change the hotline. Only mandated reporters and abused children should be able to report. This would eliminate many false or trivial reports and reduce caseloads. Good Social Workers would have more time to focus on cases of children who are really in need.

Next I would eliminate calls for messy houses. If it really is dangerously messy call code enforcement but leave the kids alone. Sorry to all the neat freaks out there but these calls waste money. I would eliminate the parenting classes. Either the parent is already a good enough parent or they are abusive and probably aren’t going to listen. I've not spoken to a single parent that said the parenting class they were forced to take made them a better parent. Sorry but I believe they are a waste of money.

After that I would focus on protection for disabled parents. The community, church, or charitable organizations should help disabled parents and they should not have their children removed. Depending on the severity of the illness they might also need a fulltime outside care-person to help. Care person would help with cleaning/assist in care of children.

Finally for the majority of cases there should be what I call a prove it program. Accused parents would receive housing paid for, utility help, and food stamps. In return they must go to college and get at least an overall C average. Those that receive straight A’s could get entirely paid for housing. This would be less costly than the normal food stamps and foster care. This program would be offered to parents who meet two criteria one that they do not have a college degree,two that the accusation could be financially related. This would be aimed to help those who are living off of minimum wage plus food-stamps.

Also, there are the minority of cases including drug abuse, sexual abuse, and physical abuse. Drug abusers should have a live-in mentorship program closely monitored. If they relapse more than once then move to visitation only. But the mentorship program should also offer education to get a college degree so that the parent has the necessary money to take care of their child should they succeed. Once graduated from the program they should get help with a car and housing.

As far as sexual abuse and physical abuse that should be screened to a police investigation before cps gets involved. This would serve two purposes. First police are more likely to prove if the physical abuse/sexual abuse actually happened. Second there would be stiffer consequences for those who truly did abuse physically or sexually. Third some parents would be vindicated by the police investigation or at jury trial if they have a good lawyer.

Also kids should not be kicked out of foster care at eighteen. They should be given resources to help get a degree, a car, and housing at the very least. Believe the kids if they say they want to go back home and let them. They are most likely telling the truth. Children should automatically get their medical records/cps records at 18 by law without having to ask/sue.

Children in foster care should be given a preview of their case. Everything including accusations against parents, any evidence or testimony and efforts the parents made to keep them. Then they should be told that they have a right to overturn TPR if they want to. Just in case the parents really are abusive the child should also be given the number to CPS in case they have to come back. Half of runaways interviewed that came from foster care just wanted to go back home. The other half did not lie their placement.

The children should be interviewed by someone in the media. They can use this as a means to give their story apart from any influence of parents, social workers, foster parents or adoptive parents. This would be beneficial in more than one way. If they child was really abused in the real parents home then they could confirm what is suspected. Second if they are abused in the foster/adopted home they could tell them about it. Finally if they never wanted to be removed from their parents they could tell that part too.

CASA is not working.

You are probably wondering by now what qualifies me to give this sort of advice. I was removed from a loving disable parent. Then I was placed in a sexually abusive home. Then I was placed in foster care, shelter, and juvenile hall. Basically I was moved from one prison to another prison. After all that damage was done I was not very responsive when I was finally adopted. These are my perspectives from the inside looking out.

survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Fri Oct 12, 2012 2:29 pm

"That's just not realistic. People who are looking to adopt are often desperate, after years of miscarriages and infertility, and are very "Pollyanna" about the whole process. When CPS calls them at 2:00 a.m. and says, "we have a child in need of a home... are you game?" they aren't going to call a PI to investigate before they say yes! Additionally, when CPS is lying to the courts, foster parents, birth parents and themselves, they don't want anybody catching them in their lies so they will put up an "information wall" (claiming "confidentiality rules") so that nobody knows where anybody lives, no names, no specifics, etc. Hiring a PI would only happen if you were suspicious of CPS to begin with, and if you were suspicious of CPS to begin with, you probably wouldn't want to be working with them and letting them delve into every aspect of your life for their foster/adoptive home investigation. People who are suspicious of CPS would be more likely adopt kids from out of the country"

Sorry i was speaking idealistically to what SHOULD happen not that any foster/adoptive parents would actually do this.

survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Fri Oct 12, 2012 4:21 pm

i thought about it. I do tend to generalize a lot.
I tend to refer to social workers as social abusers. Though that might not always be true.
I tend to look at foster parents as paid foster abusers. Though that is only true of those who only care about the money.
i tend to look at the foster care system as foster incarceration. Although to some foster children it may be a refuge those who really were abused by their real parents & are not being abused in care.
I tend to look at adoption as baby stealing for richer people. I'm certain that this is not their intent in the majority of cases.
However to all of it that is how it felt to me.

survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Fri Oct 12, 2012 4:31 pm

i'm sorry to those i may have offended in my statements/story. Your right i do generalize too much. I want to convey how i felt about my experience without offending my readers. i know there are good foster parents/social workers/adoptive parents out there. My book is not just for people who hate cps. I really want to make the system better for EVERYONE involved.

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Eljay
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Re: Who Am I

Postby Eljay » Sat Oct 13, 2012 12:33 pm

survivorsofcps wrote:I have a lot of ideas of how it could be done right! did you only read the first post in my book Eljay?


At the point I wrote all of this, I was a the Q&A... and I still stand by what I've said/suggested/asked.
Advice & opinions provided are no substitute for genuine legal assistance. Laws & rules vary by state/jurisdiction so do your homework and get
an education in CPS laws, rules & practices so that you can FIGHT for your children's rights. I am not a lawyer. Your mileage may vary.

----<>----<>----<>---- BREED WITH CAUTION ----<>----<>----<>----

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Eljay
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Re: Who Am I

Postby Eljay » Sat Oct 13, 2012 12:52 pm

Do you know the circumstances as to why you were removed from your mother? "Disabled" can cover a wide range of afflictions and doesn't mean she was incapable of caring for children. Yes there are completely able people who can't adequately care for their children.

I've heard/seen a few stories on here that indicate that there are CPS caseworkers who are really clueless about the capabilities of people with disabilities. There was a gentleman on here earlier this year whose wife had epileptic seizures and CPS wanted him/them to make it so that she was never, ever alone with their two children... as if the mother's condition incapacitated her (oh, sure for a minute or two, but bathroom breaks from a completely well person can take more time than a seizure!). Another situation was a blind father who had been a SAHD for the first years of his children's lives.
Advice & opinions provided are no substitute for genuine legal assistance. Laws & rules vary by state/jurisdiction so do your homework and get
an education in CPS laws, rules & practices so that you can FIGHT for your children's rights. I am not a lawyer. Your mileage may vary.

----<>----<>----<>---- BREED WITH CAUTION ----<>----<>----<>----

survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Sat Oct 13, 2012 3:03 pm

glad you asked she was in a wheel chair and was paralyed and had to use crutches or a wheelchair. I know she could still make food. i'm sure taking the trash out and cleaning the floor were difficult tasks. Not impossible but difficult. It just took her more time to do every type of chore. plus she was poor so she couldn't hire help spina bifida is no joke. Yet talking to other people about it i have found that they are capable of doing a lot more than even i thought possible. I have it too. yet mine is in a more dangerous spot if it ever gets worse i would not be able to move anything but my head. :?

noroses4u2c
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Re: Who Am I

Postby noroses4u2c » Tue Oct 16, 2012 8:11 am

My daughter was initially taken from me because of a messy home. From there more allegations were made within hours of her being taken. And all of those allegations were things the worker claimed I had "admitted" to doing. My home was messy because I was unpacking after a move and sorting the stuff into stuff to sell and keepers for a flea market booth. There are a lot of children taken under similar circumstances. I am not allowed to even talk to my child on the phone now because I am considered too dangerous and will spend the rest of my life on a child abuser's registry.

This is the way they operate. They probably did your mother the same way.

There was a time when children helped their parents if they needed help. Now if the parents have any obvious failings at all they are labeled as child abusers and lose their children. Every day problems such as dirty dishes in the sink or being grief striken after a death in the family is viewed and instability and child neglect.

There are some children that need a different home, but most children that are taken are taken for nonabusive reasons. And CPS often ignores blatant abuse at the same time they persue the nonabusive parents. The nonabusive parents are attacked with a lynch mob mentality that traumatizes most everyone in the family unit.
My child was abducted by the government. They demanded a ransom (the case plan). I paid the ransom and my child was kept anyway. It isn't much different from stranger abduction except that the government uses its power to make the abduction legal and unpunishable.

survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Tue Oct 16, 2012 3:54 pm

very true

Chelsea
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Re: Who Am I

Postby Chelsea » Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:19 am

I've asked myself this question I don't know how many times over the past several years survivor... I am just not starting to feel the full effects of the Complex PTSD because I was dissociative for 5 years after my emancipation. The panic attacks suck and the constant fear, fleeting moments of intense escapism where I have driven literally from the East Coast to Santa Monica and back within 3-4 days because I just had to know that I wasn't trapped! Thank God I haven't taken out a passport for that very reason. I would take our savings in panic and have skipped to Australia by now!
I'm just starting to grasp this concept in myself so bear with me if it isn't 100% clear. But I remember being a young child. I loved to read, I loved to swim, I loved to hike and climb trees, I loved to write and I've always had a passion for languages. If you have access to your old school work, no matter how menial, from K-5th or even middle school, take the time to read it. I forgot that my favorite food had been meatloaf with Extra ketchup and Banana splits with marshmallows when I was a kid. I made meatloaf and Banana splits that same night. Recapturing who you were before your abuse can help alot... or at least it's given me a stepping stone towards an identity. There are still moments of questioning, hopelessness, flashbacks, anxiety, and flat out fear but it can help to just return to being 5 year old you, or the last time you remember feeling safe. Maybe even an event or special occasion where you felt loved and accepted. Recreate it. Live in the past for a little and move onto the future when you're ready. PTSD is caused by our brains being reprogrammed early on for survival and it can do our brains alot of good to just relax and revert for a while. A mental respite in a safe place. :)

survivorsofcps
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Re: Who Am I

Postby survivorsofcps » Thu Sep 05, 2013 11:00 am

Not to sound disparaging but I do not remember living with my mom or even when I was a child feeling safe. I didn't really have a "before." I only categorize it from just being mistreated & neglected to being abused that it seemed like every night I was being raped. Not that I haven't had ANY happy moments in my life but as a child they were hardly ever.

Mostly the happy moments I can think of came mostly after I moved in 2 my second adoptive home. Or since I got married there have been some good times.

"The panic attacks suck and the constant fear, fleeting moments of intense escapism ... I just had to know that I wasn't trapped!" I feel the same thing sometimes and once I drove through the state of Mississippi, through Alabama all the way to Georgia and back.


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