Mom and 3 kids abusive husband

[Sarah79]

Okay trying to help this Mom. She has been married 17 years to the father of her 3 kids. He is now on drugs and has become physically abusive to her. The COPS have come repeatedly and CPS is sniffing around asking questions.

My take and I told her this is "this is a really bad situation for the children and anyone would be concerned looking into this." I got the kids out of there today to a safe family where she can have a break and took her to the hospital to have her injuries documented and a police report filed against the husband. Tommorrow we get a restraining order. CPS will find out that the police have been there and that her 9 year old is not in school.

Actually I am so tired and exhausted from dealing with this today I am going to stop writing there is just too too much. It is a huge mess. Kids are safe and well cared for at the moment with a friend. I hope she is safe. The way I see it there is just no good end to this they are so far gone as far as tools to manage their children and their marriage. I think that she is a loving mother but is so mentally distraught at everything she has been through that she cannot make a good choice right now. All she wants is for husband to come back and be reasonable and pull together for the family.

However that is not happening and she wants it so bad that she is not thinking clearly. This is a really scary situation however the kids are safe right now and in a protected environment. But for how long? I don't know what to do. I am exasperated.

[Eljay]

She has to be really, really strong and tell him he's out of their lives UNTIL he get sober and better. It's hard to do, especially if you're dependent on him, and even worse if you're in denial. We went though this with a friend whose husband was an alcoholic. He was absent a lot, didn't parent much when he was home, but was not violent or abusive (he was quite passive, which was frustrating for mom as well). We didn't intervene until he showed up at a 9:00 a.m. event, drunk, having driven his daughter there. We told her she can't wait until he kills one of the kids and that woke her up. She told him to stay away until he got sober. A year and a half later, he was just starting to pull his life together and died, unexpectedly, probably from severe alcohol withdrawal. The saddest thing about it was the death of the hope that he might someday be a real husband and father.

But had she not told him to leave, it could have been a completely different story for the family (including potentially killing one or more of the kids in a drunk driving accident). You friend will need to hold him to a higher standard and he will either rise to it and respect her for it, or not even try. She should go to Al-Anon meetings if there are any in proximity to her.

You are a good friend for helping her through this. She needs reassurance that she's doing the right thing. And she needs to reassure CPS that she IS doing the right thing by her family and tell them that she will contact them if she feels they can help, but for now, she's got it handled.

[Sarah79]

Thanks Eljay that is exactly right.

My main concern is that her nerves are totally fried!

She made the decision to send the kids with a friend of mine that she met but does not know. They are a great family and it was her decision. However her husband does not like it. He has hurt her and is on drugs. I am scared because it was just her that consented to letting my friend take them and not the dad too.

I took her to the hospital to document her injuries and fill out a police report against her husband which she did. She is so conflicted. She cannot manage the children at this point and living conditions are not good. I got involved with her through an advocate in the county that said she needed a type of lay advocate to help her.

I think she'd be fine if she could get it in her head to get permanently away from him for now at least until he sobers up but she goes back and forth. Right now it's like this she confronts him and he hurts her then she becomes so distraught that she can't cope with very rowdy 2 and 3 year old. If CPS walks in at this point and they WILL it's just a matter of time and gets all the police reports sees the unkempt home and less than ideal living conditions they WILL take these kids. I told her that.

So yesterday I had my friend come and meet her and she willingly was good and relieved with letting them go with my friend so she can get a break and think. However the Dad does not like it even though he is not present just in and out and abusive and on drugs. She was trying to call crisis nursery when I got involved and crisis nursery said to her "do you have a child protection case?" She said "no." They said "well we caught wind that you do."

Makes me think that if she uses them they will remove the kids or find reasons to. She has the number where the kids are at but I told her cause her husband is violent I did not want her to have the address. She understands but I do not want her to think we are keeping her kids from her. I am going over there now to see if she will follow through and get a restraining order.

She has no support no friends, no car, no phone, no money I am it for her right now. It is such a stinkin' mess.

[Eljay]

She's quite oppressed. You're making really good decisions for her and I would advise you continue talking to her to get her to realize that HE is making decisions (drugs & violence) that are not safe for anyone involved. Mom is not making good decisions yet either (being around someone who is using drugs and violent). She's got to start seeing things clearly and acting in her children's best interest. Sadly, these are the type of people who warrant CPS intervention, although CPS is far more punitive and destructive than necessary in cases like this.

[monkette31]

Well there's good and bad in everything right? NOT.

It sounds as if cps is going to show up, hopefully your friend will be in a stronger mode than she currently is in so that they don't take the children, just threaten to. If a case is begun, which is almost a sure thing, it will force the father to get into recovery. Mom should go to ala-non and get an ala non sponsor?

Someone should also help her get the home in order for the gestapo that's coming.

I hope he gets arrested.

[Sarah79]

Yep, Monkette I called the cops on him last night but at this point there is no restraining order and her bruises are more than 24 years old.

As she trusts me more and more she is opening up and that is good so I can advise her. The picture is not good and CPS has every right to be concerned and get involved but I am hoping to take her by the hand non forcefully here and have her open her eyes to the truth and the solution and have HER make the good choices without CPS coming in and taking everything by force. It would be so traumatic to the kids.

I have taken her to the hospital twice just got back and she is very very very ill. So how can she get on her feet get everything cleaned up and be emotionally strong when she is seriously ill? We are keeping the kids til she is better and house is in order and husband comes to his senses.

He is on meth and seriously into porn.......in the home.........and kicked the back of the mom's head in til she passed out.......grrrrrrr..........he's a bad guy......really I don't think he's even trying here.....

[Sarah79]

Duh....oops I meant bruises are more than 24 hours old not years....

[monkette31]

If he is actively using meth, she should be as far away from that environment and person as possible. Do not allow her to bring the children into the home of a meth user, parent or not. Are you sure she is not using herself? She can take the kids and go to a shelter, the cps people are going to create a case at this point if the situation sounds as dire as you describe.

The problem with that scenario, is that dcf' agenda seems to be to enforce unwanted/unhealthy visiting of an abusing/using/drinking parent if they so choose. What is good for one goose, is not necessarily good for the other. There is even a case down here in la where the court and dcfs allowed a father to visit children unmonitored, after he was arrested and jailed for a dui with his child in the vehicle on a previous visit. So, I just want to tell you that cps involvement and agenda may be different than yours. You want to see your friend get help, I understand, but what cps does to fragile families and persons is help themselves at the cost of destroying her family.