Lost, everything about case seems unethecial/illegal

[greeneyes]

New and not sure how to post. have not seen any cases like it, so I am afraid to say to much. This is about my grandchildren, they CPS won't even talk to me and say I have no rights. The mother has a bad history but is good now has been for 11 months and never was abusive to her children. This stems from an incident that lawyer (court appointed) told her to plead abandonment. what has come to light is so many people involved in the case are all connected. just seen papers that are so full of lies. Not just things I can only assume but many I know for a fact. It is obviously going to be a foster/adoption and has been planned from the beginning. What constitutes illegal or conflict of interest in these cases in regard to the people involved? I have advised I want children as has the Mother advised CPS worker of this. No response to this.
How do you battle FP that pick and find fault (falsely) with every visit. They want nothing to do with parents. Refuse to make phone calls required phone calls, decide they are going out of town and have to change visit a few days before scheduled visit or skip visit? Teaching the children to call them Mommy and Daddy, is this the standard?

[heavyaaron]

I am a foster parent, so I thought I'd address your foster parent questions.

How do you battle FP that pick and find fault (falsely) with every visit.

I'm presuming that the foster parent is acting as the visit supervisor and/or parent aide? Otherwise, the foster parent(s) should not be critiquing the visits. If they are acting in that role, it is their job to critique the visit, in a constructive manner. Why are you asking how to "battle" the foster parents instead of how to "work with" the foster parents? The relationship between foster and birth parents is supposed to be cooperative, with the foster parents mentoring the birth parents back to a fit standard.

They want nothing to do with parents.

There are certainly times I feel that way. Let's just say that birth parents involved in the foster care system are almost universally not the sort of people I would otherwise choose to be involved with. Nevertheless, it's one of the responsibilities I have. I, obviously, try to hide those feelings, but I do believe you on this one. Sometimes friendships can and do arise between foster and birth parents. But you're talking about taking an adversarial position with the foster parents, asking how to "battle" them. You want the foster parents to want to be involved with people who actively seek to do battle with them? If you want, and you should, the birth parents to have a healthy relationship with the foster parents, then make sure to treat the foster parents as an ally instead of as an enemy.

Remember, foster parents do this out of generosity of spirit and heart. If I am taking care of your grandchild because your children cannot (and since they are not kinship placed with you, I'm presuming you cannot either) then I think a modicum of gratitude is in order, not venom. Having said that, I know that the families involved are hurting, and it's easy to see the foster parents as being part of "the system," so I don't take it personally, and birth parents often come around to seeing us as a resource for them eventually.

You're upset that you perceive the foster parents as wanting nothing to do with the birth parents. Do you not think the foster parents cannot read you at least as well? And perhaps your children as well? You very clearly do not want to be involved with them. Relationships work both ways.

Refuse to make phone calls required phone calls

That should not happen. But I'm going to remember something here. You are telling me what your children told you that the foster parents told them. So... the information is highly suspect by this point. If this is true have your children contact the case worker to address this. If they get no relief there they should talk to the court through their lawyer.

It may actually be the children not wanting to make those calls. That happens often. Of course, if that is the case then the information should be relayed to the birth parents.

, decide they are going out of town and have to change visit a few days before scheduled visit or skip visit?

That is not typically within the power of the foster parents. I don't like to talk in universals because the system is different in different regions. But for us any such changes have to be approved by the case manager. We certainly cannot make such decisions unilaterally. And if going out of town means going out of state (or heaven forbid, out of country) it gets more involved. Again, if this is a real, and on going problem (which I am skeptical of), have your children talk to the case manager and/or the court.

Teaching the children to call them Mommy and Daddy, is this the standard?

This one is a lot more touchy. Here's how we handle it: We introduce ourselves as Mr. <first name> and Mrs. <first name> to children. And then allow them to call us whatever they like. Frequently it progresses from the introduced names to dropping of the Mr. and Mrs. to dad and mom. But we never suggest any of that to kids, we just answer to whatever we are called.

But this isn't any sort of policy we are under. This is just how we handle it. Other foster parents may choose a different technique. This falls under parental discretion. Different parents parent differently. And that means different foster parents parent differently.

I have definitely taken some flak from birth parents for being called "dad" by kiddos. I understand why, but ultimately, I'm interested in the children's wellbeing. That means mentoring birth parents towards fitness. But I really don't have a deep concern for hurting birth parent feelings - in my book those are quite secondary to the kid's feelings.

I hope hearing from the other perspective helps, and I'm always happy to have a dialog if there are other questions I can answer from my perspective.

[greeneyes]

Thanks for your reply, I apologize I must have given wrong impression, FP put on the fight mode for lack of of a better term, not I. I have the greatest respect for Foster Parents and realize many are great, have family members and friends who fostered many years ago and actually adopted a special needs child who has grown into a wonderful person.
They are not visit supervisors and for fear of giving to much information cannot say too much for fear of someone connecting an ongoing case.
I was never given option of care but have requested since I began to suspect what was happening, with no follow up from CPS as promised. I did not do before as to not upset children's routine more then it had been. I have never been in this position before and thought I was doing the right thing. The FP were treated with the greatest respect I thought these FP were wonderful and assured the biological Mom of this. I can't begin to tell you how hurt, disappointed and heartbroken when I discovered they were anything but. I was supportive to FP and encouraged children, when they did not want to leave Mommy, to return to FP on a happy note.
I am thankful that I have absolute proof that the lies they told on me are unfounded and Mom does as well but some for her are he said she said, the mental abuse being inflicted on children I fear is horrible. I am told that what were happy, playful, love to see parents times have changed to seeing the happiness turn to quiet, with questions being asked that no way possible would have come up if had not been put there. Things a child of their age would not have known to ask. Doing everything possible to break the bonds between parents and children. From the very beginning they have refused to have any contact with parents or let them have phone #. Mentoring would have been welcomed. I know they are new to FP and pray they may realize what they are doing is wrong. The FP, their family and people in charge have a close long standing friendship and are assisting with this activity, just found this out recently, hence the conflict/unethecial question. Their goal is adoption but at what cost to the children? I thought it took more love to be a FP, being able to love and nourish, make a difference and let go when needed. BTY children did not say anything about phone calls to young for that. They just weren't made but a very few times.
Thank you for being the kind of FP all children need God Bless.

[greeneyes]

Sorry I don't know ho to break the post down the way you did and others do.

[monkette31]

Your post sounds very common to me. I have heard and experienced the alienation both the dept. and the foster family conspirators place on families that are supposed to be re-unifying. I believe some foster care benefactors also conspire with CPS/DCF in alienating family ties ABSOLUTELY! Many times, if the request is not in writing, or better yet in this case, the request for caring for your grandchild(ren) is verbal, the department will act as if it didn't happen and will outright lie to the court saying that the parents have no family willing or wanting to take the children. It's that easy for them. That is why many of us recommend contacting the socio worker and their supervisor in writing, by REGISTERED letter, so that later you can prove in court (appeal) that the request or concern happened.

I know about the court appointed lawyers, most of them work for the county and their only job seems to herd the cases through, they don't return phone calls or even come close to effective assistance of counsel. In fact, in many cases, they aid DCFS when they lie to parents in court and will do anything to avoid a trial or a contested hearing. They lie and tell parents to plead guilty, that they'll get their kids home in a month or so, which is outright fraudulent and despicable. Not alot of respect for any court appointed lie-ers...as i like to say. Everything doesn't seem unethical and illegal, it is. They cannot win within the law, so they break the law themselves when they steal our children and grandchildren. There are many groups online that help families, grandparents dealing with this sick corrupt baby snatching ring known as CPS. Let me know if you need any more answers or resources for you.

[greeneyes]

I do need answers and resources. I do need to know how to save these children from further harm. When there has been a friendship between some involved (the workers)with FP and their family previous to case and some new friendships during case. Is this an conflict of interest that can be grounds for them to be removed How to go about it if so? Anyone had this problem? I am desperate for answers .