Can Anyone Help Me Understand Why

[Jessie's Aunt]

I'm not really a newcomer here. I've been reading along for quite a long time and I just posted my second post to Grandpa Carl. That post made me wonder if anyone here can help me understand what happened to my family.

My husband and I were always worried about our niece, a young woman we loved very much because we had no children of our own. Her daughter was removed from her home after her husband turned her in on drug and abuse charges. When she filed counter-charges, both of them were put on treatment and parenting plans.

To make a long story short, we applied to be kinship care custodians for the baby that we had loved and cared for.. The parents both asked that we do this. We were happy to do everything we could for both our nieces so we took on the role of parents in the interim, for we were certain that custody would be returned to our niece when she complied with the court-ordered drug treatment, domestic violence counseling, and parenting class. In our minds, it didn't seem like that much was being asked of them -- not when you consider what was at stake.

But my niece didn't comply. In fact, she refused to do what the court ordered or even to agree that they had a right to make her change her life -- same with her now-exhusband. So, they were promptly TPR'd and their child was placed for adoption. We didn't have any choice but to adopt the baby so we became first-time parents as I was going through menopause!

My husband and I felt blind-sided and to this day we don't know how this happened. That's why I've been coming here. I just want to understand. I need to understand because some day my daughter is going to want to understand it, too.

Can anyone help me?

[Perchjerker]

Two words: child safety. If drugs were an issue with a baby, then the allegations were serious. If rights were terminated, then drugs were most likely a valid issue. Part of the child death coorelates that CPS looks for is the age of the child, drug use, and parental immaturity. It sounds like the parents fit all three of those categories. No one is going to recommend that a child be returned to that sort of environment. Immaturity is found in their inability/uncooperation with their family service plan. Luckily for the child, there were family members to stand up and take charge.

[Momoffor]

I think to find out why and how this happened the only one that can answer that according to information in your post, would be your niece.

Some people put their lives and lifestyle ahead of their children, and some people never really 'meant' to have a child but SURPRISE!! got one anyways. Then another and another ect ect.

My daughter had a friend who was a nice enough kid, but whenever my daughter wanted her to spend the night the mother told me that the little sister would have to come too so she wasnt lonely. I was ok with that for the frist few times, but every single time I would have to track the mother down the next day and sometimes it wouldnt be until the next night because she would go out to the bars 'socializing' right after she dropped them off and go home with whichever guy she met that night. I never knew where to find her because she was always at a different guys house each time and would turn her cell phone off until SHE was ready to go home. I found out she was doing this with many MANY other people and would leave her kids with any and everyone who would take them. There were 2 different occassions I knew about from her where her daughters were molested while in the care of 'these guys who seemed REALLY nice and offered to watch the kids so she could go out" I am sure there were drugs involved since she always showed up late at night to pick her kids up looking and sounding like she had just woke up and would be out of it. Sometimes she would just call me late at night to tell me she had too much to drink and if the girls could just stay another night since they dont get to spend time with each other very often.

At least you were able to adopt your nieces daughter who is now your daughter. There are family members that would love to be able to do that, but are not given the chance, and the child is then lost forever to strangers from the family that loves them and wants them.

Did you never really intend or want to be in the adopted parent position that you are in now and just kinda feel like you got 'stuck with it?'

[Jessie's Aunt]

I want to thank you both for adding a few pieces to my puzzle. At the risk of sounding like the most gullible person in the world, it never seemed like my niece was a bad or neglectful mother, although I knew the pregnancy was not planned and maybe not welcomed by the mother-to-be. She was a woman caught in a bad marriage, I thought. I had kept a close eye on her throughout her pregnancy and after. I was worried about my niece's safety but never about her baby's. I learned a few sad truths about my niece during the TPR hearings but I still believe she meant to be a good mother. For sure, the baby was always well-cared for even when we dropped in unexpectedly. In fact, to the best of my knowledge, our daughter was neglected and abused only after CPS took her into their care.

I guess "drugs" may be the simple and probably even the likely answer, but can that lifestyle really be so powerful that you would give up your child just to keep living that way? I don't know. I just can't understand it.

I doubt I will ever get an answer from my niece. At first, her mother threatened to throw her out on the street if she even talked to me. Later, our relationship seemed so tenuous that I was afraid to bring it up for fear it would seem confrontational to a woman who I can't help but believe must be tormented in some part of her soul. Some day she'll have to explain it all to my daughter, who I know will have these same questions.

In answer to your last question Momoffor, my husband and I both think our daughter is a blessing but one that could have been better timed. We tried to have a baby for two decades before giving up, deciding that we were too old and too close to retirement to become parents. But here we are doing all the usual things that parents of kindergartners do, and loving most of it. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I've really enjoyed these years with my daughter so I would never feel any regret, just an occasional pang of longing for the carefree days before parenthood hit us.

My daughter looks just like me and she's the apple of her Daddy's eye. She has my mother's laugh and my sense of humor. I can't really picture a life without her now because she's so much a part of us.

But sometimes, like today when I came here, I just feel so sad that all this happened to people I love so much. And I can't help asking "Why?"