My family's nightmare

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perfectly_flawed
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun Jan 30, 2011 5:11 pm

My family's nightmare

Postby perfectly_flawed » Mon Feb 21, 2011 4:42 pm

I've been popping up here for a couple of weeks now, trying to help where I can and at least give a shoulder to those going through their own nightmares. I thought it might be a good idea to post our story here. Forgive the length. It was an 8 year long ordeal to get my son home where he belongs.

In 2002, my household consisted of myself, my now exhusband (Joe), 2 of my sons (Joshua and Jacob), and my nephew by marriage (Adam) who had just been removed from his mother's (Joe's sister) home due to extremely bad abuse. I was beginning to suspect that Joe was abusing my boys when I wasn't there but I had no idea how bad it actually was. Looking back now I should have seen it, but I didn't.
On Dec. 5 the boys and I had planned to decorate our Christmas tree as soon as I got home from work. We had looked forward to it for over a week. I had asked Josh (13) and Adam (15) to get the lights out of storage and untangled so we could get started as soon as I got home.
I got home from work to find Josh on the floor, curled into a fetal position, and not able to control his bladder. He was lying in a pool of bloody urine, having been kicked in the kidneys and lower abdomen several times with work boots. Jacob, only 6 years old, had a golf ball size knot on his upper forhead. I later learned that he'd been thrown into the front of the stove for trying to get between Joe and Josh. Adam had Joe cornered in the living room, threatening him with a butcher knife if he tried to move. This was the wonderful start of our Christmas that year.
I called the police but Joe left before they could get there. Taking my car - a gift from my sister to help me be able to work and take care of my boys - with all the kids Christmas gifts in the back of it.


The police issued emergency orders giving me protective custody of the kids, no contact orders, restraining orders, etc. Josh and Jake were taken by ambulance to the hospital and CPS entered our lives. The CPS agents here actually helped us. They took statements from the boys, helped go after Joe for child support, got us into counseling and support groups, and did all they could for us.
Over the next few days I found out that rent hadn't been paid in over 6 months even though I'd been giving Joe most of my paycheck each pay day to take care of bills. The landlord was wonderful. He allowed me and the boys to stay in the house through January without paying rent, so that we'd be able to move into a decent home. He gave me a wonderful reference. The police, school, and CPS agents provided Christmas for the boys and me. They brought a large pickup truck with the bed filled with toys, books, and food. Without them my boys wouldn't have had a Christmas that year at all. The police department paid my power and phone bills for me. CPS bought new clothes for all of the kids. I don't know how we would have made it through the first couple of months without all of the help and support we got from the community. It was amazing the way they came together to help my family at what I thought would be the hardest time of our lives. Boy was I wrong!
Fast forward to March, 2003. The boys and I were living with my parents. Josh was getting into all kinds of trouble. Stealing, lying, sneaking out at night, drinking, doing drugs. You name it, he did it. He had been thrown out of literally every school in the area. Nobody could control him, he couldn't even control himself. Jacob would see a place he'd been with Joe and would go into a panic attack. He began messing his pants any time he'd have an attack. Both boys started wetting the bed. Their counselor agreed that moving to a new area and starting over was probably the best thing I could do for the boys. I made plans, and on March 15 all three boys and I headed to a little town in north central Washington, near where my brother Marty lives. He and I had always been close and he promised to help me build a support network and start over there. Moving there was the single biggest mistake of my entire life. It is the one and only true regret that I have.
We stayed with Marty until April 1, when we could move into our own home. A small 2 bedroom single wide mobile home that was run down but comfortable. It was all I could find that I could afford. Josh and Adam shared a room, and Jacob and I shared the smaller room. He didn't have nightmares if he was cuddled against me, so it worked very well. Jake was 7 by this time.
I got us back into counseling and settled in to help my boys through the trauma they were still going through. By late April I was sick. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't walk across the hall from the bedroom to the bathroom without feeling like I was going to pass out. On one occasion, I did. I couldn't do laundry, cook, clean. Nothing. I had a noncancerous growth on my lower left lung that was stealing blood and oxygen from the rest of my body. I was scheduled for surgery to have it removed but I didn't know anyone in the area, except my brother who lived over an hour away, that I could trust with my boys. Thinking of how supportive and helpful the previous CPS people had been, I called the local CPS office and asked for help.
At first they were so helpful. They provided me with a home caregiver for the boys. They drove Josh to counseling. They talked the school into giving Josh a chance in classes. Then I was told I was getting a new caseworker. I didn't hear from the new caseworker for over a week.
On May 7th, Jacob had a severe asthma attack on the school bus, on his way home from school. The bus driver brought him straight to my door, honking his horn the whole way down the drive to get my attention. I lifted Jacob from his seat on the bus and put him directly in my car and we took off for the ER. The doctor on duty wanted to keep Jacob there over night, but Jake was getting more and more upset at the idea and his attack was getting worse from the stress. He messed himself. The doctor finally agreed that it would be best for Jacob to go home that night and I was to watch him very close and call our doctors office first thing in the morning to set up a follow up appointment. I did. The appointment was set for May 14. We never made it to that appointment.
On May 11, the new caseworker showed up at my home, with a police officer, with an order from the court to take Jacob away from me. Jacob wasn't home the first time the worker showed up. He kept asking where Jacob was, and I kept telling him "he's with friends. I'm not telling you exactly where until I find out what my rights are" He left and went straight to Marty's home. He claimed I'd said that's where Jacob was. It wasn't. While he was gone I got ahold of my friend, where Jacob was, and told her what was happening. She agreed to keep Jacob at her home until I could find out what to do. I then called an attorney who specialized in fighting CPS. He informed me that if I didn't turn Jacob over, or if I tried to run with him, I'd be charged with child concealment and Jacob would be immediately placed for adoption when we were caught. That was NOT an option for me, so as much as it broke my heart, I had my friend bring Jacob home. They had to have been watching. He wasn't inside my door more than 2 minutes when 4 police cars and the caseworker were back. They gave me 5 minutes to say goodbye to my little man and explain what was happening.
My hearing was set for the following Monday. At that hearing, I found out all the lies they'd used to get the order to take my baby from me.
-Jacob was seen crossing a busy highway alone at 3:20 on the 7th (we were at the ER at that time on that date)
-Jacob often wore dirty clothing to school (he was 7 years old. His clothes were stained. I couldn't buy new ones and still pay the bills)
-Jacob had arrived at school soaking wet one morning (the bus broke down at the bottom of the school drive and the driver had walked the kids up to the door in the pouring rain)
-Jacob often smelled bad so I must not be bathing him (he had a mental health issue from the abuse. He messed himself. It was well documented in his med. records and the school had been informed)
-I didn't take Jacob to a follow up exam the day after his asthma attack (I was told to schedule an appt. It was schedule but hadn't happened yet)
-I "allowed" ongoing abuse by my husband
-I was a drug user (I have passed every single drug test they've given me with flying colors)
-I had mental illness (I had depression, which was being treated by a counselor and meds)
-My home was messy (it was cluttered with toys and such - no dirty dishes, minimal dirty clothes - it was NOT dirty, just cluttered)
-Josh was aggressive and violent, putting Jacob at risk (this was true, I was trying to find more aggressive help for Josh at the time)

I was told that with everything weighing against me, I would lose my parental rights and Jacob would be placed for adoption if I fought the system. What could I do? I begged and pleaded for my son to be placed with my parents, who had just finished a homestudy to legally adopt Robert (my oldest, who they'd raised since I was a teen when he was born). I was told no, they're too old. Marty (my brother) stepped forward and agreed to take Jacob. It took 5 months for Jacob to finally be placed in Marty's care.
During that time, he had NOT been taken to a doctor. He had a severe sinus infection and had not been seen for the previous asthma attack. The foster family didn't even provide him with a toothbrush! His hair had not been trimmed and was below his shoulders. He had outgrown his clothes and was still wearing them, even being too big for them. His shoes pinched his toes and made his feet hurt. This is the "care" given to children in the state foster program! During the entire 5 months I had been allowed to see him for one 30 minute visit and no phone calls.
I followed their "reunion plan" to the letter. They wanted a drug/alcohol evaluation. I passed it with a "no risk" assessment. They wanted me to see a counselor. I did. They wanted my home to be spotless. It was. They wanted me to get rid of my cat because the hair could trigger asthma. I found her a new home.
During all of this, Josh got worse and worse. He eventually pulled a knife on me and tried to cut me. I had him removed from my home by the police. I was told he'd be placed in a school for boys but instead, CPS stepped in and sent him to his father.
CPS kept coming up with more reasons why Jake couldn't come home with me. Josh was one of their biggest things they used against me. If I didn't keep him, how could I love Jacob enough? I lost my job due to my illness and the repeated days off for court. How could I support him? How would I provide for him?
About this time, Adam left for school and his upcoming military enlistment in another state. He wanted to put it off to stay with me but I wouldn't let him. He needed to start living his life, and I'm still happy that he did.
I ended up becoming very suicidal. Ralph, my other brother, showed up for the last court date in which I was told that if I voluntarily signed guardianship to Marty, CPS would step out of our lives and it would be up to Marty when to return Jacob. That was an out-right lie. They didn't step out at all. I signed the documents, allowed Marty to legally become Jacob's guardian, and fell apart the rest of the way. Ralph dragged me home, back to Lynden where he and my parents lived. He knew, he understood, that I was just waiting for my time to come by then. I'd lost all that mattered to me and was planning to die.
Ralph had been due to leave on Sunday. I had a visit with Josh at juvie on Monday - my last before he'd leave to live with the SOB that had made him what he was. I had a visit at Marty's with Jacob on Tuesday. I was going to end my life on Wed. I even had long, loving letters written for each of my kids.
Back to the lie about Marty being able to return Jacob to me. After Marty and I both signed their paperwork and Marty took legal guardianship of Jacob, Marty was told that if he gave Jake back he would lose his son as well, and both boys (Jacob and my nephew) would be placed in state foster care until adoptive families could be found for them. All this time I've blamed Marty for keeping Jacob away from me, when in fact it was still the state doing it. Marty blamed me for Jacob still being there because the state kept telling him I wasn't following the care plan so I didn't really want my son back. Only after Jacob's return home did we find out that we were both lied to and that the state has been behind all of the problems. There's now a huge wedge between Marty and I thanks to them, and we're working on rebuilding our relationship as brother and sister. There's a lot of anger between us, but we're both working on putting it where it belongs - on the state instead of on each other.
Jacob, through his own research, found out that at 14 he was able to inform the courts as to where he wanted to live. The courts refused to listen to him even though it's state law. He started getting into all kinds of trouble. He'd take the school bus in the mornings, but instead of going to class he'd sneak off campus. He was taking pills, skipping school, shoplifting, vandalizing property. You get the picture. He was completely out of control. Marty was finally able to convince the courts to listen to Jacob and to re-evaluate my home life. Since I was back in the original county where they had helped us so much, it was pretty easy to get them to agree that I could provide a safe, stable home for my son.
On May 9th, 2010 Ralph drove to Marty's home and brought Jacob home with him. Once he got home, all of the trouble stopped. He's tested his limits here, of course, but he's become a great kid that's wonderful to have around.
Jacob and I both have many issues to still work through. Even though he knows, intellectually, that I did all I could and I never ever gave up hope, his heart still feels like I abandoned him. He's incredibly angry. Not at me specifically, but at the world in general. He's trying very hard, and doing very well, to control that anger and not have the outbursts we frequently saw when he first came home. He has absolutely no trust for anyone in authority. He can't stand to be touched by most people, and his Grandma and I are the ONLY ones that can hug him. I am the only person who ever hears "I love you" from him. At first he had no idea how to process or even talk about the overwhelming emotions. We're learning to do that together.
Like Jacob, I'm extremely angry. If someone comes to the door that even remotely appears like the CPS caseworker, or even dresses like one, I get tense. I haven't slept well since he was taken and I still don't. I'm sleeping more than I did but still not as much as I should. 3 to 4 hours a night is my norm now. Every time Jacob goes out the door, I'm paranoid of someone taking him away again. If he doesn't reply to a text right away I get so stressed that I have tightness and pain in my chest. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder for someone to show up and say I can't have him any more. I find myself getting up at night, after he's gone to sleep, and sitting on the floor near his bed just to watch him sleep and cry for all the lost years. He's been home for 9 months and I still find myself unable to keep from touching him to remind myself that it's not a dream, that he's really home with me. I drive him insane with my need to touch him and hug him. He's a good sport, he puts up with it and I think he secretly likes it. I do everything I can to give him the security of knowing he's here to stay, but I'm always terrified that CPS will decide otherwise, even though they've left us alone since he came home.
Will either of us ever really heal? I doubt it. The pain gets a little easier with time but I doubt if it will ever go away completely. We lost too much of our time together to ever really be whole again. My hope is that by both of us reaching out to others who are dealing with similar problems we can help ourselves and each other to heal more. We deserve it, and others deserve to have someone with them that really understands what they're going through.
Nearly 8 years of torture without my son finally had a happy ending. Together now, we're trying to heal and support others that are going through similar pain.

treytrey1
Posts: 279
Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:32 pm
Location: Tennessee

Re: My family's nightmare

Postby treytrey1 » Sat Feb 26, 2011 11:07 am

I have a question for you. Did you get supervised or unsupervised visits throughout the 8 yrs?
Our kids were given to the grandparents with permanent guardianship but we were also told it
didnt mean we couldnt get them back. We would have to go to court. We have supervised visits
with one child and a no contact with the other two thanks to my oldest daughters therapist.
My other twom have recently moved to anothe state so no longer seeing said therapist.
My oldest is going to be 15 in August. She was almost 14 when the case ended. They wouldnt
even allow the kids in the courtroom during that time. It is in my opinion that they didnt want
to hear what she would have said because they had no intentions of letting her come home.
I am just curious as to what kind of road we are looking at. My youngest is 9 and we have the
supervised visits with her.

perfectly_flawed
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun Jan 30, 2011 5:11 pm

Re: My family's nightmare

Postby perfectly_flawed » Tue Mar 01, 2011 7:57 pm

My visits gradually went from short, supervised visits in the CPS office, to longer supervised visits at my brothers home, to short visits on our own. After about 4 years I was able to start having my son here for a few weeks during the summer each year. I had to make a formal request with the court for each stage of lesser supervision, and I often had CPS workers drop in unexpected during the first days of our unsupervised visits.
I wish you luck with your kids. I can't imagine having no contact with Jacob for any length of time. The first 5 months he was gone, I saw him for exactly 30 minutes one time. That was by far the most horrifying 5 months of both our lives. My heart goes out to you.
Nearly 8 years of torture without my son finally had a happy ending. Together now, we're trying to heal and support others that are going through similar pain.


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