Our kids are coming home next month

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Stitchwitch D
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Our kids are coming home next month

Postby Stitchwitch D » Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:39 pm

Our kids have been in foster care for almost 10 months. It took 5 months until we got semi-supervised visits. Then after 2 months, we temporarily went back to fully supervised because we got in an argument, I went to a friend's house and our neighbor called the cops. (Tip: if you are being investigated by CPS, kiss up to your neighbors. Offer them money, gifts, favors, whatever it takes to ensure that they don't call the police every single time their panties get bunched up.) The CW assumed that the neighbor could see through walls and knew exactly what was going on in our home and called the cops because my husband was beating me up every night. (Yes, she is very imaginative, but the system encourages CWs to assume the worst possibility is true, instead of investigating and using common sense to make an informed guess on what is really going on.)

We got lucky though- our marriage counselor talked us up, told us what great progress we're making, and we got moved back up to semi-supervised visits in just a couple weeks.

A couple months later, things starting moving again. The CW asked me to pick up my son and take him to play therapy, and then drop him off at the foster home. Just me- my husband was not to come with. When I cooperated, we were given a second visit, and I was told to pick up the children from school/daycare for the visit. I made a mistake though- I assumed that because my husband would be at the home visit, that he could also come with in the car to pick the kids up. WRONG! Since they couldn't have random drop-ins in a miving vehicle, she decided there was no way to monitor us. Simply making an audio recording of the car ride wouldn't work either- apparently, they didn't think that would be enough to deter my husband if he wanted to beat me up while I was driving down the road, but they did feel that the possibility that the guy could come back 2 minutes after he left instead of an hour later was enough to keep us safe. (This would make sense to a Vogon.)

After a couple weeks of dealing with this, we were given a short list of things to get done to get ready for the kids to come home, basically figuring out how to work the kids back into our daily schedules, and told to expect overnight visits by the end of the month and a trial home placement next month.

We talked to our CW today and apparently the thing that helped click everything in place was how we reacted when the play therapist canceled an appointment at the last minute and I was already on my way to pick my son up at school. We contacted the foster parents, and figured out how to deal with it, and worked together so he didn't have a total meltdown when I showed up at school, got a phone call, and then left a few minutes later.

We didn't have money to hire a good lawyer, but we were assertive with our court-appointed lawyers and I asked for a new one when my lawyer seemed to be working for CPS, not me. We did all scheduled visits and asked for more. We talk regularly with the foster parents and frequently they hear about developments from us before they are told by anyone else. We went to therapy, marriage counseling, and every meeting we were allowed to be at. The only thing we were asked to do that we refused to do was separate, because we thought it would only add financial stress, make parenting more difficult, and we didn't trust CPS and suspected the whole thing was a dirty trick.

One thing I definitely did right was educate myself and reach out to make contact. I took a birth parents orientation class sponsored by Partnership for Safe Families. I talked to other parents, and have been working to help get things going locally with family rights and foster care reform. I read books and blogs from every point of view- birth parents, foster parents, former foster kids and social workers.
I tried to understand what they were thinking and what their perceptions were. Very importantly, if I didn't think I could hold my tongue and stay calm, I avoided phone or face to face, and just used email. That eliminates the possibility of blurting out something like "What on Earth have you been smoking?" or "Are you retarded or are you crazy?" and allows you to show the information to friends who can help you beat silly mind games.

I still don't feel safe, and I don't know if I ever will. I worry that CPS will find some other lame excuse to take the kids, and I'm not content to just try to be good and hope they don't catch me when I'm having a bad day. I want to help change this system, and I know that if we all work together, we can make things better.

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good dad
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Postby good dad » Tue Apr 08, 2008 6:26 am

Have you got overnight visits yet?
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My advice is my opinion and not legal advice
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Stitchwitch D
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Postby Stitchwitch D » Thu Apr 17, 2008 6:47 pm

We started getting overnight visits a couple weeks ago, and now we're up to 2 days a week, then each week we'll increase that by 1 day, so they'll be 100% home by the end of next month.

I'm looking forward to our case being closed and being able to go back to being real people again, who can take our kids to visit relatives in another state without getting permission. We'll still have to do that once the kids are back, as well as giving CPS the full names and birthdates of anyone who babysits the kids.

How long before we can refuse to let CPS enter our home without a warrent?

Kenneth2816
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Postby Kenneth2816 » Thu Apr 17, 2008 7:40 pm

Truth is, sadly, you may never feel "safe" again, not to be discouraging. Also, once a long term removal has been affected and custody returned, don;t let anyone kid you...youre still on "the list". Unoffical perhpas, but I can also assure you, it is much easier to take the kids a second time.

You did good. The "eyes and ears" of CPS are the shcools, medical professionals, etc, so any call from anyone of them can trigger another investigation.

These people just dont go away. Legally, they cannot intervene anymore, but dont let your guard down the first 60 days.

Remeber too, that no matter how traumatized YOU are, your kids are three times that much. The healing doesnt even start until they are home. You would be wise to set up some srot of family therpay for at least 30 days. No matter what, it is a big adjustment for everyone, reagrdless of how much love there is...just dont be blind sided.

Dont know how old the kids are, but older kids (once removed) can k9inda hold some "leverage" over parents (they learn this crap in foster homes) by "suggesting" they might "tell on you". If your kids are 10 or older, expect some of this it is very normal.

But the GOOD thing is you all now have a cahnce to reinvent your family.

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good dad
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Postby good dad » Thu Apr 17, 2008 10:28 pm

How long before we can refuse to let CPS enter our home without a warrent?


Normally, CPS asks the court to keep the case open for 6 months after the children are returned, so they can "check up" on the family and the courts usually allow it.
Their will be a court hearing when the judge tells you the case is actually closed and CPS is out of your life.
*********************

My advice is my opinion and not legal advice

*********************

A bad lawyer is worse then no lawyer and bad advice is worse then no advice....

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Stitchwitch D
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Joined: Sun Feb 04, 2007 2:14 pm

Postby Stitchwitch D » Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:30 pm

The kids have been home for 6 weeks now.

The DHS building was damaged in the flood, and the family courtroom was in the basement of the courthouse in the middle of the river, which you probably saw pictures of last month. The parking ramp filled up with water and burst the doors of the tunnel into the basement.

We reported our son's daycare to CPS for neglect- he walked 15 blocks home by himself and they didn't even notice he was gone! He just grabbed his bag and walked out the door, and they assumed that an adult must have taken him because his stuff was gone.

Last year, he was placed in foster care because it took us 3 minutes to notice he was missing and then searched on our own and asked everyone we saw if they'd seen him instead of doing the "responsible" thing and calling 911 the minute we realized he was missing. The daycare knew that he had a history of wandering off, and they were supposed to have a 1-on-1 person whose main focus was keeping track of him, but he was missing for however long it takes an easily-distracted 5 year old to walk 15 blocks. This is CPS mandated "protective" childcare???


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