THANKS ALOT CPS!!!

A place for parents who have been through a termination of parental rights. Please network here on ways to reconnect with your children, cope with the trauma of separation, and promote advocacy against this cruel system of family destruction.

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Chris516
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2014 5:19 pm

THANKS ALOT CPS!!!

Postby Chris516 » Wed Dec 17, 2014 9:18 pm

Even though it happened 18yrs. ago when my son almost 3yrs.-old and my daughter was only 5mos.-old. It still hurts. My (ex)wife(I actually didn't divorce her until 2.5yrs. after she left with the kids) left me taking the kids and, she was a single mom FOR ONLY ONE MONTH!!!! :x Living at her (late)maternal grandparents' house locally. It was not until then. That her family stopped thinking that I was the only problem in the marriage. Because I felt like a single parent the entire time. She would just watch tv and not move from the recliner in the living room. She screamed at me about not letting her look at the finances. When I relented, she said she couldn't handle it. At least once, I had to clear up a mess with the bank account. That she didn't tell me about. Yet the whole time CPS was involved, they were only looking at me. THANKS A WHOLE BUNCH CPS!!!!

heavyaaron
Posts: 32
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 9:12 pm

Re: THANKS ALOT CPS!!!

Postby heavyaaron » Thu Dec 18, 2014 12:21 pm

Chris516 wrote:Even though it happened 18yrs. ago when my son almost 3yrs.-old and my daughter was only 5mos.-old. It still hurts. My (ex)wife(I actually didn't divorce her until 2.5yrs. after she left with the kids) left me taking the kids and, she was a single mom FOR ONLY ONE MONTH!!!! :x Living at her (late)maternal grandparents' house locally. It was not until then. That her family stopped thinking that I was the only problem in the marriage. Because I felt like a single parent the entire time. She would just watch tv and not move from the recliner in the living room. She screamed at me about not letting her look at the finances. When I relented, she said she couldn't handle it. At least once, I had to clear up a mess with the bank account. That she didn't tell me about. Yet the whole time CPS was involved, they were only looking at me. THANKS A WHOLE BUNCH CPS!!!!


Firstly, I hope this is read, not as hateful, but as an outsider hoping to help you see things more objectively and dispassionately.

Just a suggestion: you may want to consider revising your posting as it is difficult to read.

So, your wife left with the kids to life with your wife's grandmother.

Okay... then, CPS removes the children. You seem to be missing a step. They must have had cause for the removal. You are not flattering on your wife's parenting abilities. So, I'm not sure here if you consider the removal justified or not, but if a husband doesn't think much of his wife's parenting, I'm going to go ahead and believe there was a fair chance she was at least a few shades shy of perfect. (By the way, um... if she was such a terrible mother, why make another baby with her? Sometimes the decisions people make with their lives I find very confusing.) Regardless, you had an obligation to protect your children. If you felt your wife was not capable of doing so, you had a moral and legal responsibility to intervene on behalf of your children.

Then you missed another step. When they were removed from your wife, the obvious thing would be to have given you custody. That they did not means that they had concerns about you, too. You seem to acknowledge this later with "...they were only looking at me," which is, of course, false. If they were only concerned about your ability to parent they would not have removed the children from mom considering the fact that the two of you were separated at the time.

In your short rant, you blame your wife, your grandparents-in-law, and CPS for your troubles, but never even suggest that you had some responsibilities. I do not know all of the ways you screwed up. But your story already includes a failure to protect, and I'm guessing that there is quite a bit more. You have had quite a lot of time to reflect on those events. Have you spent any of it looking into a mirror?

You also seem angry. Perhaps you should find a therapeutic outlet to gather your thoughts and reflect on your life without the emotional baggage.

I'd also like to point out that your anger at CPS is explained by how it made you feel. The purpose of CPS and the fostercare system is not intended to protect the feelings of biological parents. The only people whose wellbeing counts is that of the children. Do you really feel that the *children* would have been better off in your care? (This is not a rhetorical question.) It is immaterial if you would have been better or worse off with the children. The right question is how they would have faired.

Lastly, this was long enough ago that your children are adults now. If they wish to socialize with you and you them, there is nothing stopping you. If a relationship with them is what you are after no one is stopping you; not CPS, not your ex-wife, not their adoptive homes, not their great grandparents. So, there is only one person left to blame if you do not have the relationship you want at this time.

Chris516
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2014 5:19 pm

Re: THANKS ALOT CPS!!!

Postby Chris516 » Fri Dec 19, 2014 12:59 am

heavyaaron wrote:Firstly, I hope this is read, not as hateful, but as an outsider hoping to help you see things more objectively and dispassionately.

Just a suggestion: you may want to consider revising your posting as it is difficult to read.

So, your wife left with the kids to life with your wife's grandmother.

Okay... then, CPS removes the children. You seem to be missing a step. They must have had cause for the removal. You are not flattering on your wife's parenting abilities. So, I'm not sure here if you consider the removal justified or not, but if a husband doesn't think much of his wife's parenting, I'm going to go ahead and believe there was a fair chance she was at least a few shades shy of perfect. (By the way, um... if she was such a terrible mother, why make another baby with her? Sometimes the decisions people make with their lives I find very confusing.) Regardless, you had an obligation to protect your children. If you felt your wife was not capable of doing so, you had a moral and legal responsibility to intervene on behalf of your children.

I am not flattering about my (ex)wife's parenting skills. Because, I felt like a single parent during the marriage. The second child notwithstanding, I tried to intervene. I sought help from family who refused to help me. But all the while, I get accused by CPS, my parents', and her parents' of being the problem. Just as she was ignorant beyond belief. When I told her I would take care of the kids because it was sadly obvious that she couldn't. She complained. When I told her that I would 'control' the finances, she complained. So, I relented only to be told by her that it was a 'heavy' issue that she couldn't cope with. So, I was getting grief for not letting her do things, and for letting her do those same things.
heavyaaron wrote:Then you missed another step. When they were removed from your wife, the obvious thing would be to have given you custody. That they did not means that they had concerns about you, too. You seem to acknowledge this later with "...they were only looking at me," which is, of course, false. If they were only concerned about your ability to parent they would not have removed the children from mom considering the fact that the two of you were separated at the time.

Even though my (ex)wife has developmental disabilities. I bent over backwards to take care of the kids while I was working. I even had to tell my boss(when I worked for the U.S. Government), that I could not work on the weekends to work the U.S. Government grant meetings held by SAMHSA. Yes, CPS was only looking at me. They were ignoring entirely, what my (ex)wife did. At one point, my (ex)wife's parents' n' (late)maternal grandparents were trying to get into a place for single mothers with kids. When I heard this. All I could think of was that the kids would be dead. Thankfully, She was never able to get into that place because my parents' went to court to stop her from being able to do that.
heavyaaron wrote:In your short rant, you blame your wife, your grandparents-in-law, and CPS for your troubles, but never even suggest that you had some responsibilities. I do not know all of the ways you screwed up. But your story already includes a failure to protect, and I'm guessing that there is quite a bit more. You have had quite a lot of time to reflect on those events. Have you spent any of it looking into a mirror?

Rant.....rant.....check your choice of words. She is my (ex)wife. Yes, I blame her, her parents', (late)maternal grandparents and CPS. I never said I was perfect. I was criticized for anything I did(or didn't) do. I have looked into the mirror. Even during the marriage as I already mentioned. Even when we went to couples counseling, she was still blaming me for everything. Never once in the couples counseling, did she offer anything. To her the problems were all my fault. The couples counselor bought what she said, hook, line, and sinker.
heavyaaron wrote:You also seem angry. Perhaps you should find a therapeutic outlet to gather your thoughts and reflect on your life without the emotional baggage.

Well, Emotionally when a person's car is repossessed for lack of keeping up with the payment's. It is far less of an emotional impact. Than when a parent's kids are removed by CPS.
heavyaaron wrote:I'd also like to point out that your anger at CPS is explained by how it made you feel. The purpose of CPS and the fostercare system is not intended to protect the feelings of biological parents. The only people whose wellbeing counts is that of the children. Do you really feel that the *children* would have been better off in your care? (This is not a rhetorical question.) It is immaterial if you would have been better or worse off with the children. The right question is how they would have faired.

I know that is their sole purpose. They would have been better off in my care, than my (ex)wife. But I have also found out, that my life-long physical health problems could have been used against me and my (ex)wife. In a report by the U.S. Government agency, National Council on Disability. Who said, more the 60% of the children with disabled parents', are removed from their custody regardless of lack of proof.

The only thing I could never get, was the income level of my parents'. But I guess, in the vein of your critique, that would have deemed me unfit to be a parent anyway.
heavyaaron wrote:Lastly, this was long enough ago that your children are adults now. If they wish to socialize with you and you them, there is nothing stopping you. If a relationship with them is what you are after no one is stopping you; not CPS, not your ex-wife, not their adoptive homes, not their great grandparents. So, there is only one person left to blame if you do not have the relationship you want at this time.

Yes, It was long ago. I have kept it pretty much bottled up all that time. The visitation schedule with my daughter is once a year. I proposed that schedule to her adoptive parents'. They had no problem with that. The initial schedule my (ex)wife had with them was, every week. She started annoying the adoptive parents' big-time, with her intrusive behavior. To where they changed her visitation schedule. I have tried countless times to see my son. So, It isn't for a lack of trying. As much as it is just giving up trying to see them. To where, I am just an anachronism to them. If I were something drawn on a chalkboard. I have been pretty much erased from existence.

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LindaJM
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Re: THANKS ALOT CPS!!!

Postby LindaJM » Fri Dec 19, 2014 4:55 pm

Heavy Aaron - this isn't a debate board. It is a support board for people who have endured a lot of emotional pain.

We welcome the point-of-views of foster parents, social workers, and others who are here to help and support the families. Just keep in mind we're communicating with people whose lives are filled with trauma, sorrow, and grief.
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Please keep in mind that none of us are lawyers and we can't give legal advice. We are simply telling you what we would do in a similar situation. It is to your advantage to get a lawyer.

"Evil flourishes when good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke ... so try to do something to change the system ...


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